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Mark Kermode's 10 Most Majestic Film Review Rants

He hates 3D, he hates Michael Bay, he hates Danny Dyer and he hates them because he loves film and it's glorious.

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10. Let's start off gently. He lambasts Tarantino's Kill Bill as "retrograde".

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9. Kermode nails an easy target in Danny Dyer's Run For Your Wife.

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He's got previous with Dyer, and his impression of the self-styled hardman is unlistenable but hilarious.

8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon gets absolutely assassinated.

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It's a film in which acting "is like a special effect", Shia LaBeouf is a "charisma vacuum" and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a "walking bottom".

7. Sucker Punch: "Zack Snyder is one of the worst storytellers in the world"

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6. The remake of The Wicker Man takes a pasting.

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"They've obviously made the film and realised how dull it is, so every five minutes Nicolas Cage falls through the ceiling."

5. Kermode is asked to find a positive in The Da Vinci Code.

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"On the plus side? No, nothing actually."

4. Hard to listen to this review of Fred: The Movie, but a necessary evil.

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3. "SO COMRADES, COME RALLY" - Mark issues a call to arms after watching Sex and the City 2.

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2. Kermode's take on Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is electrifying, and far more entertaining that the film itself.

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Keira Knightley gives a "lead with your best teeth" performance.

1. His masterpiece: Pirates... 3.

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He slates "the magisterial talent of Orloomdo Bland", Keira Knightley is a "petrified forest of woodenness" and when they're together on-screen they look like "chairs mating".

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