Mark Kermode’s 10 Most Majestic Film Review Rants

He hates 3D, he hates Michael Bay, he hates Danny Dyer and he hates them because he loves film and it’s glorious.

10. Let’s start off gently. He lambasts Tarantino’s Kill Bill as “retrograde”.

9. Kermode nails an easy target in Danny Dyer’s Run For Your Wife.

He’s got previous with Dyer, and his impression of the self-styled hardman is unlistenable but hilarious.

8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon gets absolutely assassinated.

It’s a film in which acting “is like a special effect”, Shia LaBeouf is a “charisma vacuum” and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a “walking bottom”.

7. Sucker Punch: “Zack Snyder is one of the worst storytellers in the world”

6. The remake of The Wicker Man takes a pasting.

“They’ve obviously made the film and realised how dull it is, so every five minutes Nicolas Cage falls through the ceiling.”

5. Kermode is asked to find a positive in The Da Vinci Code.

“On the plus side? No, nothing actually.”

4. Hard to listen to this review of Fred: The Movie, but a necessary evil.

3. “SO COMRADES, COME RALLY” - Mark issues a call to arms after watching Sex and the City 2.

2. Kermode’s take on Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is electrifying, and far more entertaining that the film itself.

Keira Knightley gives a “lead with your best teeth” performance.

1. His masterpiece: Pirates… 3.

He slates “the magisterial talent of Orloomdo Bland”, Keira Knightley is a “petrified forest of woodenness” and when they’re together on-screen they look like “chairs mating”.

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