back to top

Mark Kermode's 10 Most Majestic Film Review Rants

He hates 3D, he hates Michael Bay, he hates Danny Dyer and he hates them because he loves film and it's glorious.

Posted on

10. Let's start off gently. He lambasts Tarantino's Kill Bill as "retrograde".

View this video on YouTube

9. Kermode nails an easy target in Danny Dyer's Run For Your Wife.

View this video on YouTube

He's got previous with Dyer, and his impression of the self-styled hardman is unlistenable but hilarious.


8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon gets absolutely assassinated.

View this video on YouTube

It's a film in which acting "is like a special effect", Shia LaBeouf is a "charisma vacuum" and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a "walking bottom".

7. Sucker Punch: "Zack Snyder is one of the worst storytellers in the world"

View this video on YouTube

6. The remake of The Wicker Man takes a pasting.

View this video on YouTube

"They've obviously made the film and realised how dull it is, so every five minutes Nicolas Cage falls through the ceiling."

5. Kermode is asked to find a positive in The Da Vinci Code.

View this video on YouTube

"On the plus side? No, nothing actually."

4. Hard to listen to this review of Fred: The Movie, but a necessary evil.

View this video on YouTube

3. "SO COMRADES, COME RALLY" - Mark issues a call to arms after watching Sex and the City 2.

View this video on YouTube

2. Kermode's take on Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is electrifying, and far more entertaining that the film itself.

View this video on YouTube

Keira Knightley gives a "lead with your best teeth" performance.

1. His masterpiece: Pirates... 3.

View this video on YouTube

He slates "the magisterial talent of Orloomdo Bland", Keira Knightley is a "petrified forest of woodenness" and when they're together on-screen they look like "chairs mating".

This post was created by a member of BuzzFeed Community, where anyone can post awesome lists and creations. Learn more or post your buzz!


Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!