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1. Finally you’ve decided you’re sick of spending afternoons alone in bed watching YouPorn and trying to summon distant memories of the one time you almost climaxed.
2. But the time has come. To have sex…wait for it…with an actual person.
3. Surely you can find someone to have some with. Everyone’s doing it.
4. It may not be the best, but it’ll have to do.
5. You hope the encounter will be something like this.
6. But you know it'll most likely be something like this.
7. But your friends call you an optimist, so you make your “Sexy Times” playlist anyway hoping for the best.
8. No more sexting. Instead you take the leap and invite your crush over.
9. Nervous? Of course you are. You can't hide behind your phone screen.
10. Time to prep. Shake out any anxiety you might be feeling.
11. Seriously, you don't want to say anything weird so get it all out right now.
12. Now you're feeling mighty good. It's on like Donkey Kong!
13. Once your crush is there a while you wonder when it's going to happen.
14. You're barely listening because you just remembered you ate Chipotle for dinner.
15. So you figure now is as good a time as any.
16. It starts off great. You're on the same page and everything.
17. But after the initial electricity, some oddities start to take shape.
18. You think, what is this?
19. Is this real life?
20. At this point you're praying it'll be over soon.
21. You try getting back on track, but there's just no use.
22. Your mind is made up. There's no turning back.
23. Mind if I spend the night?
24. But you don't get a wink of sleep the whole night.
25. When you finally say goodbye you act like this.
26. When you're really feeling like this.
27. Maybe being alone isn't so bad afterall.
28. At least you know what to expect.
29. They say happiness comes from within. Or that thing with batteries anyway.
30. So maybe next time you'll cut out the middle man altogether. Amen.
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