1. Throw 20 bucks at a pigeon each week
Do it every week and by this time next year, you'll have spent a thousand. Tip: soak the bill in mustard and the pigeon is sure to fly away with it, never to burden you with that capital again.
Level Of Difficulty: 4. Soaking money in mustard is no marathon of RHONY, but it is possible. The trick is to slide the bill over a large patch of mustard spread evenly across a dinner plate.
2. Start Smoking
I mean, duh. It's not exactly healthy, but it is a no-brainer. A smoking habit is a huge drain on your wallet. This year, the average cost of cigarettes was $18.70 per pack. Starting might not be easy, but it will cost money, and that's the point.
Level Of Difficulty: 5-6, if we're being fair to the virgin smokers out there. The good news is there are tons of douches around who'd like to get you hooked on the habit, even bum cigs from you once you're 30% you've started carrying your own packs.
3. Switch Water for Soda
Soda alone costs the average American household $850 annually. Consider that against the $100/year most people spend on bottled water, and you can see that with soda you'll burn enough benjis to be broke in no time.
Level Of Difficulty: 2. Depending on your current habits, replacing a drink with soda may cause you to jitter/pee excessively, but caffeine levels vary across many selections and you can easily adjust.
4. Burn Coupons
While it's easy to dismiss coupon-burning as mean, savvy spenders know that when other people have to spend more to get basic necessities, it's likely you will too. You could lose as much as $1-2K per year if you burn enough of these bad boys. So grab a copy of Village Voice and strike a match - you're carrying a lighter now, right?
Level of Difficulty: 6. Last time I tried this an angry mob of Kate Gosslin-types swarmed my Camry and I had to call for a police escort even though I tried to explain that it was for their own good.
5. Buy Coffee
82% of American workers buy coffee every week. Let's make it 100%. On average, they spend $1,092 on the beverage every year. With these numbers, you'll be shacking up in the basement of the Detroit YMCA in no time. Plus, coffee stimulates your impulses, increasingly the likelihood that you'll buy a hundred dollar hat on your lunch break.
Level Of Difficulty: 5. Depends on your bathroom situation at work. How comfortable are you there? What's the acoustic situation like?
6. Set Up An Automatic Transfer From Your Savings
This takes the pigeon trick and steps it up a notch. Take a look at your bank statement and see how much you can drain from your precious savings over the next year. You could pay off you student debt, because that MFA was expensive, but why not blow it on candles at Anthro instead?
Level Of Difficulty: 0. Literally 0. You'll be begging your landlord to trade babysitting for rent by the end of the month.
7. Eat Out Every Meal
Obvious, right? Eating out is the #1 money-spending habit that's helping everyone scrape the bottom, like a mop made of broken dreams. More than half of Americans claim that ordering lunch is their biggest spending pitfall during the workday. Great! Most of us order at least three times per week, at a cost of $10-15 per lunch. Imagine what would happen to your future if you dropped into Dean and Deluca twice a day?
Level Of Difficulty: 3-6. There's a big difference in the time it takes to wait for a sandwich at Panera and boeuf bourguignon with cranberry reduction from the Ivy. You'll have to commit to opulence to make it count.
8. Always Use Credit
For a number of reasons, people typically spend more when using cards versus cash — like, 20% more. Financial and psychological studies indicate that our brains are simply more willing to part with money we can't see. Turn up the heat and attempt to make 2015 the year you never see a single piece of physical money (except, of course, when you're feeding it to birds).
Level Of Difficulty: 7. Some places don't take plastic for smaller purchases, but it's worth it if you're willing to commit. Handing over six twenties for five pairs of Hanky Panky is a lot more difficult than the good ole swipe-n-dash.
9. Create A Spend/Spend Match
Choose something you regularly spend money on (gas, taxis, bagels, whatever) and create a spend/spend match. For every late-night cab home, buy something of an equal value on the Home Shopping Network. Simple as that.
Level Of Difficulty: 4. The best part of this trick is that it's adaptable because HSN has an enormous variety of products. It's a doubled edged yay sword: you'll be out of money and have enough shamwows for the second coming. If you consistently do it, in no time you'll be as wiped out as Kim Jong-un's browser history.
10. Have A "Going Out" Month
Each year, the average American spends $500 on booze, $2,700 on dining out, and almost $3,000 on recreation. Combined with things like transportation, tips, etc., going out is — drumroll, please — really fucking expensive! Do it more often, and your pockets will literally contain nothingness so empty and vast Stephen Hawking will get in touch to discuss the singularity happening in your bank account.
Because this time of year kind of sucks, blow it out good for your friends and rent a room at Ruby Tuesday just to say hi. Without the holiday season forcing you out of the house, you'll have to make your own opportunities to run up a bar tab.
Level Of Difficulty: 5. If you're a stay-in-er, this might be tough at first. But, staying in is the most likely way you'll die with money, completely alone and caught up on Homeland with no personal memories to speak of. 'Tis the season for Sunday mimosas, multiple candle-lit dinners in one night, and buying out the entire theater to watch 50 Shades Of Grey in masturbatory peace. Let's be real: Netflix will never love you, but the people you spend money on might.
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