11 Reasons Being An Adult Is The Worst

Being an adult is mostly terrible.

1. The Freedom to Eat Whatever/Whenever

Lindsy Van Patten

When they said "You can eat cereal for dinner when you grow up!", they didn't mention that you'd be paying for the cereal and then when you wake for breakfast, you'd be out of cereal. Also they don't mention you'll get hyped on sugar, stay up too late and be late for work. BS. And sure, I can eat burritos every day but they failed to mention that my thighs would get so big that they'd start a small fire when I wear corduroy.

2. I Got 99 Problems and They're All at Collection Agencies

Bills are a total suckfest. 'Nuff said.

3. Turn Your Head and Cough, Please

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Doctors appointments get so much worse the older you get. Now I have to get fucking Pap Smears and Mammograms? No one gives me a lollipop anymore either. And why is it all of the sudden everyone wants my fluids? Whether it's blood or urine or plasma, whatever the fuck. JUST LET ME KEEP WHAT'S MINE.

4. Everybody's Working for the Weekend

Working. Work to live, live to work amirite? It's fucking bullshit. But there's no way to avoid the system. You have to work to make money to pay rent so that you can keep working and making money and paying rent. It's a vicious circle but there's no way out. That's adulthood. It's like a staircase that never ends and my fat ass is huffing and puffing because I don't do cardio.

5. No Longer Saved by the Bell

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No more recess. Why don't we get a break midday to play anymore? Remember when lunch was a time to eat square pizza and play kickball? Or to walk around with your friends listening to angsty music?

6. Body Maintenance

Upkeep. Everything gets hairier, lower and more complicated. If I drink a milkshake my ass jiggles more for like a week, but if I eat nothing but lettuce for a month I don't lose an ounce. I've gotta pluck my eyebrows constantly to avoid looking like a damn cavewoman. And I don't even want to get into my facial hair right now. I could have a glorious mustache if I should choose. Back in the day, I didn't have dark upper lip hair! I didn't even have dark leg hair. AND NOW I HAVE TOE HAIR. LIKE A GOD DAMN HOBBIT.

7. Assault is Super Serious Now

You can't just hit people randomly and get away with it anymore. Time out has become much more serious. I can't just hit someone because they pissed me off or ate my string cheese. And if I like a boy, I can't just kick him and run away.

8. Constant Exhaustion

I have no fucking energy anymore. I took my nephews to a place filled with fucking trampolines and after about 6 bounces I was weezing like an 80 year old coal miner with a black lung. I remember playing tag, running bases and playing hopscotch. But now when I have to climb the stairs in my house more than once in 10 minutes I'm taking a break and sitting down like, "SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKING WATER, DAMN IT."

9. The Big Comfy Couch

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If you fall asleep on the couch, you don't magically wake up under the covers in your bed. Now, if I fall asleep on the couch I wake up sore and cold. I have to drag my sad, tired, and probably hungover ass to bed. WHY DOES NO ONE CARRY ME ANYMORE?!

10. It's Hip to be Square- NO REALLY, IT IS

Suddenly nothing I like is cool. Why is it uncool to watch the Titanic alone in the dark? When it came out, it was the shizzle. I'M NOT COOL EVEN BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

11. I Just Wanna Stay Home and Watch Cartoons

Felix Vasquez Jr. / Via popoptiq.com

I can't use my parents as an excuse anymore. "Mom said I can't go." "I'm grounded." "Mom says I have to clean the kitchen." Now I'm responsible for my own bailouts. People know when I'm lying. I'm like, "Sorry, I have to do laundry." That's not legitimate. Whenever I hear that I know it's bullshit. LAUNDRY ISN'T AN INVOLVED PROCESS. THAT EXCUSE IS HORSE FEATHERS. "Sorry, I'm tired." Not valid anymore. People will tell you to nut up and drink a Red Bull. AND THEY'RE RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

There are a few things I love about adulting. I discover new ones every now and again but these are my top 3:

1. Booze
2. Sex Without Shame
3. Concerts With No Supervision