62 Thoughts You Have When You Hate Your Birthday

AKA the longest 24 hours of your life.

1. One week before:

1. Oh god, my birthday is coming up.
2. I hope no one notices.
3. Wait, how old am I?
4. Whoa, that’s kind of old.
5. I think.
6. Does that mean anything?
7. Does anything mean anything?
8. No, no.
9. Time is just a social construct.
10. Ugh. This shit again.
11. Every damn year.

2. Three days before:

12. Here comes the planning.
13. “No, I’m sure I don’t really wanna do anything.”
14. “Seriously.”
15. “Yeah, I will enjoy my birthday. I promise.”
16. “Staying home and eating ice cream alone is enjoyable.”
17. “Yes, it is.”
18. Ugh.
19. “Yeah, I get you wouldn’t want a low-key birthday.”
20. But this isn’t your birthday…
21. STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME TREAT MY BIRTHDAY LIKE YOU TREAT YOURS
22. “Yeah, I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
23. *Slams head on desk*

3. The day before:

24. Ugh.
25. Okay, what’s my game plan for tomorrow?
26. I’m gonna have to figure out how to keep a low profile.
27. *Double checks birthday is hidden on Facebook*
28. *Takes a mental survey of how many people know it’s your birthday.*
29. *Takes a mental survey of how many of those people will wish you a happy birthday on social media.*
30. *Shudders*
31. I should turn off my phone before midnight.

4. On your birthday:

32. *Deep sigh*
33. Here we go…
34. I don’t feel any different.
35. Of course I don’t feel any different.
36. The social conditioning behind birthdays is just such bullshit.
37. I didn’t even do anything to earn attention.
38. Shouldn’t today be about my mom?
39. She’s the one who remembers the day?
40. Oh good, my first “happy birthday!”
41. “Thanks.”
42. Ahhhhhhhh.
43. *Nervous breakdown.*
44. *Second “happy birthday!”*
45. “OMG. It’s your birthday?”
46. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
47. Sigh.
48. It’s nice to have people who care about me.
49. I appreciate the attention.
50. I just don’t really want it.
51. Especially not all day.

52. Okay. I’ve made it through most of the day relatively unscathed.
53. The occasional “Happy Birthday” isn’t so bad.
54. “Nope. Still don’t wanna do anything.”
55. *A few hours pass*
56. Hmm. Why aren’t more people wishing me a happy birthday?
57. What? Snap out of it.
58. *Tenth “happy birthday!”*
59. Oh yeah. That’s probably enough.
60. Okay, it’s almost over.
61. At least this is only one day out of the year.
62. 11:59pm: I survived!

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