How A Breakup Feels Like To An Insecure Person Living In A Strict Culture
Strict parents, insecurities, heartaches and a tumor. Life just does not get any better does it? But despite that, Hakuna matata!
I met this guy at 13. He was tanned, short, had a silver framed rectangle glasses perched on his nose with a blue cast on his left arm. I attempted to start a conversation but he killed it immediately. "What an antisocial person" were my first thoughts.However, odds would have it, somehow, this seemingly cold dude in class soon became friends with me. We had our fair share of laughter, texts and calls. We dated once and it didn't work out but by 15, we were back together again.
I never knew he was the kind of guy that i would get attracted to. But when i met him, i went "oh heck it. He's good enough!" He was almost the complete opposite of what i dream of having. He grew taller of course. He was an introvert, but once you get to know him, there's no containing him back. He love playing basketball, something i really liked too. He was not rich but he was caring. He was not charming but he was funny. He was a straight As student and he was really hardworking. He got me like i got him. Coincidentally, we had almost the same kind of dream occupation - he wanted to be a Cardiologist whilst i wanted to be a Obstetrician. Although we had our similarities, we had our differences too and our differences sometimes tore us apart but other times, it held us stronger.
However, it all ended at when i was close to 18. Being in an Asian country, i would say generally, parents are more strict and aren't as warming as the Western culture are. Particularly for my family, they were not very happy about me dating at such a tender age. When the break up happened, I found myself swimming in a sea of strange unfamiliar emotions that no one could enlighten me on. I couldn't turn to my parents as years of rigid rules and culture has changed us into being cold and distant people. I couldn't turn to my friends because they were of the same age as I am... which would essentially mean the blind leading the blind. No, i needed someone mature, someone like a mentor, someone who could tell me what to do, what can be done and what should i have done. And yet, I had none.
The first few weeks i was in denial and i stubbornly refused to acknowledge that it was over. However, when the truth began to sink in, that was when i started crying day and night. I cried myself to sleep at night, i cried on the way to anywhere and i cried on the way home. Reason being, I couldn't cry at home because it would spark off questions from my parents and God knows what that might lead to.
I started skipping classes because I was emotionally unstable. I stopped eating, i started exercising almost daily, i sleep in the day and stay awake at night. I changed a lot. I started doing some of the things i said i would never have done. I picked up drinking, staying out late, wearing contacts etc. Not all my changes were bad, but they were not particularly good either. Unfortunately, I even picked up a bad habit I used to have and started inflicting self-harm. It is rather scary, how such a thing can impact us on such a big scale. Everything about me changed, from the biggest and visible things such as my looks (I started losing a lot of weight) to the simplest of all things such as favourite colour.
One month after the break up, I even did up a video montage and proposed to get back together since we did not end with a clean break. Sadly, my proposal failed and i was thrown into another bottomless pit again. It felt like there was a pit after another pit. Each time i felt like this must be the worse thing ever, it always proved me wrong. Next, i started doing things he loved doing. I picked up playing Dota 2, i picked up more sports and i even started wearing dri-fit shirts with sports shorts because 'I couldn't care less' and this, i assumed, was his kind of girl. But yet, nothing seemed to be able to reign him back in. He was gone.
As days, weeks and months passed, I felt a bit better. The pain that I felt initially were like huge slashes across me, stabs after stabs at my heart. But later, it felt like just slashes. I started picking myself up and did what i want and love to do - Lead. I was involved in so many different events and lead so many different groups of students. I felt wonderful despite having such a haunting experience at the back of my mind. I was described as cheerful, bubbly, sunshine and all the positive words you can imagine. I became a better person, but still not one who coped emotionally well.
I remember it's tough going through a break up, but it's even tougher when you go through it alone with no one guiding you. My academic results suffered greatly and so did my health. I was always sick and each time i was sick, i miss him a little bit more. What kept me going was "It's just a break up, everyone goes through that." I'd like to think of myself as an independent woman and not one who would end up bawling, crippled by an emotional challenge. So this break up was an eye opener too because apparently, i was who i hoped I was not and that sucked so bad.
After a whole semester has gone past (mind you, that's 6 months) i decided to be a better person for myself. I stopped self harm and started eating healthy and exercising to be healthy; not because i wanted to look like the other girl i always see him around with but because i genuinely wanted to be healthy. Gradually, i saw that i was once a statue and it was shattered but now, i'm picking up the crumbled pieces and sticking them together. I tried sticking them back the way it used to, but it would never fit anymore. Then i realize, I would never be who i used to be ever again. But that's okay; because now i am new. I am Me. I started studying and took measures to finally cut him off from my life. I was feeling like i could finally handle everything. I thought i knew my way out.
Things were a tad better for my life. I had my number of suitors but i knew i was never ready because although i am single, i am not available. Besides, i had too much other priorities that needs to be taken care of first. Then one day at a chalet with our clique (he was present), i found out that he liked someone else. Once again, i was thrown into another bottomless pit. That day I decided to grab 2 bottles of Vodka and drank myself to my fill even though I am never a drinker. I cannot even take a full can of beer without even feeling slightly tipsy. I felt that i really worked my ass off to be a better women without him but somehow, i am always affected. And that day, i decided to let go of those hard work and quit. I passed out in the toilet and he was the one who found me and carried me out. When i was sober, we had a talk and he said some stuffs that made me cringe because they all sounded like words that would give me false hope. When the chalet ended and i returned home, as you would have it, i acted as if nothing happened in my life in front of my parents.
Life goes on. After some time, my parents eventually found out the break up and we never spoke about it at all. I headed off on a school trip to Australia that i had signed up for out of the blue and it made me feel alive again. When i returned, i felt like yet another changed person. School started and one day, I met his parents in school who told me he went for a surgery. I broke down after awhile because the thought of him having gone through a surgery frightened me so bad. Thankfully, he was okay. Shortly after, we regained contacting again and he told me he had feelings for me but he did not dare to return. I told him it was okay, let's give each other some time and focus on what needs to be focused on first - our exams.
But as life would have it, we did not end up together because when exam period drew in, i watch him hang out with a new girl. I watch him sit with her and study together, i watch him text her and i watch them progress from plain friends into close friends and finally, one day, i don't even know what were they anymore. I was afraid of finding out and I couldn't deal with feeling insecure all the time anymore. Friends approached me about him and her and it killed me each day. She looked like me, some said. Her personality was similar to me, another bunch said. The girl and me, we had much similarities and I felt unfair. How could this world hold 2 girls so similar at once?
In an attempt to pacify my self-worth, i started digging up me and her differences. Once i started, i couldn't stop. Each time i look at her photo on social medias, it degrades me and i die a little inside. The differences i found out didn't make me feel better that we aren't the same. On the contrary, it made me feel worse than i have ever felt before. These differences were so over bearing that i constantly felt like i'm not good enough. She was smart, she was skinny, she did not care about dressing up, she can sing (i love to sing too but i was never good at it), she was the committee of her CCA and she was good with a lot of things. Slowly, i slipped back into not eating, insane exercising, doing lots of things I shouldn't have had been doing.
In fact, in the past when i was insecure, i attempted to 'morph' myself into the other girl. I would write in the way she does, speak in her manner, walk in her patterns and wear her kind of style. I was basically someone else and my happiness was the least of my problems. I just wanted to be someone else so badly because that someone else seemed much better. That someone else got his attention and I couldn't.
On top of all these, I started having more problems with my health. First i was low on iron. Followed by low on blood pressure, flu every now and then, feeling dizzy and one day, i was hypoglycemic too. As if that was not enough, I was identified as being depressed and finally one day, I found out i had a tumor.
I went for check ups, i had needles drawing out samples, i had numerous consultations and I did a biopsy. It was all a blur and it felt so surreal. Like, how can my life be so dramatic? Thankfully though, my tumor was benign and i went through a surgery to remove it.
After the tumor scare, I started being me again since i have went through such an ordeal by myself. I am strong and i am Me. I stuck up motivational post its everywhere in my bedroom to help me combat both insecurities and break up heartaches. I devoted myself into my part time job and to my friends and family. By now, it was almost a year and a half after our break up.
What made it particularly hard was that we did not end off clean. Plus, he was like family and he was my first love. I still see him around in school and i always attempt to avoid eye contact. But behind all these avoiding, i catch myself checking out his grades after each and every semester exam to know that he's still doing fine. From our mutual friends, i ensure that he is doing well, healthy and safe. I visit his facebook at times and visit his whatsapp at other times. In the past, i would stay in whatsapp, watch him come online and wonder who he was talking to. But despite everything, i have never made the first move to breach that silent tranquil river between us.
Some nights i miss him a lot in a heart wrenching painful way. Some times i dream of him consecutively. Sorrows came in waves after waves and at different frequencies. Sometimes i could go on a month without ever feeling sad but sometimes, one day is all that i could afford to not feel sad.
I watch the big bang theory and i think of him, what is he doing, would he introduced TBBT to that girl and would they talk about their favourite character like we once did. I wonder if he plays with her the way we did, i wonder if she understood him like how i once did. I wonder if they play basketball together, have their families met and whether she made him smile more than i ever did. I wonder if he still likes the life size mickey mouse he has in his room, i wonder if he still uses the yellow floral blanket that i liked so much. I wonder if they shared a cartoon couple together like we did. I wonder if he took her to places we once went. I wonder if he calls her nicknames he used to call me. I wonder if I ever still cross his mind.
I wonder a lot about him, about them. But most of the time, i counter back with " I'm also watching Grey's Anatomy and Game of Thrones now" or " I am playing Dota 2 now but not with him, with my other friends. " etc. I lead my own life now and we have went our separate ways. Seeking out to his recent activities was unhealthy and it killed me each time i 'stalk' him but i would kill myself anyway. However, it dawned on me that i need not be so harsh on myself and make life so miserable.
In the end, my parents did not aid in my moving on and i have never ever did talk to them about anything at all. In fact they were who i was supposed to hide it away from. I lived my life as it was and i motivate myself with the quote "Hakuna Matata". I picked up basketball once again and learnt frisbee, paved out my future and went on hikes, dates and outings. I started living for myself even though i may do silent checks on him from time to time again. I also changed away all my bad habits for myself.
Thankfully though, I don't feel the hurtful emotions in slashes anymore. Sometimes they might still stab me a little but most of the time, it has turned into this dull fire burning at the back of my heart.
I suppose that when you love somebody, it never really does go away. When you see him safe, healthy and happy, you feel thankful they are well. And when they fall sick, do badly or change for the worse, you worry for them too. I pray for him every night despite being as if we are strangers now.
I read or heard this from somewhere that as teens, we can love. But we are not mature enough to handle what comes after if it fails. We think we do, but we don't. I was there and i have done that.
At the end of the day though, i took away with me a bunch of lessons that i learnt the hard way. I also gained more friends, support, gained independence and took God into my life. But above all, i am still grateful that i had at least spent a parcel of my life with this amazing guy. It was a glorious period of my life and it's amazing that i am capable of loving someone.
I would also urge parents to be there for their child if ever they have to go through such an unpleasant phase in life. It was really tough going through it all alone and teens get lost so easily. To girls out there struggling with self image, self harm and insecurities, leave those influences immediately. If you're constantly dwelling on negative things, occupy yourself with something positive. If you're constantly on tumblr looking at emo pictures and quotes, leave immediately. Binge watch a television series, it beats putting yourself down constantly. It's not going to be easy, but you will be tougher than that. Tough times don't last if you're tougher. Lastly, to people out there going through a break up, don't let that kill you nor dull your sparkle. Your life is worth much more sparkles than dead.
HAKUNA MATATA! ;-)
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