1. She teared up when she heard the daughter from The Queen of Versailles had died.
2. She worked at Sesame Place for 6 weeks and then stopped showing up - as adult humans do.
3. She spent her first day back in America at the Middletown Athletic Association fields drinking an iced tea from Dunkin Donuts.
4. She traveled to a small mining town in central Pennsylvania to fail her driver's test.
5. She wore an all-white bathing suit to a swim class with 15 fifteen year old males and defends that decision TO THIS DAY.
6. She was implicated in a plot to sue Miller's Ale House
7. I think she grabbed my butt in a graduation photo?
8. She saw Toy Story 3D and went to karaoke night at The Pub on the same night with L&L
9. She once cooked a three course feast for the neighborhood children
10. She posed with a stranger on Halloween who was dressed as a naked mole rat
11. She claims to be a slut for bowling, but I beat her whilst drunk
12. She! Tripped! Over! A! Bench! In! Colonial! Williamsburg! When! No! One! Else! Would!
13. She gave half of her life to the sport that takes and takes and never gives back
14. Look at this cute picture we're so wasted
15. She created and copyrighted the Sad Wonky Face emoji coming to a keyboard near you by 2045
16. She took me to a pro-choice party while I was wearing a silver sign that said "life"
17. She once met a famous person, doesn't matter who
18. She tried to throw me a surprise, penis-themed funeral instead of a birthday party....
19. She fights for my honor in frat (improv group?) bathrooms
20. And finally, she wears matching gray/grey dresses with me because she is my one true love
Congratulations on being 20 years old, I'm so glad I got to warm it up for you for a few months. What you lack in years alive on Earth you make up for in the unearthly way you carry yourself. I think you may have invented feminism and I wouldn't call it a stretch to say you liked Brie Larson before it was cool - you started the Brie Larson liking movement thing. What you have contributed to the world and to me in your first twenty years can only be rivaled by your next twenty. And that's probably all you'll get because someone who drinks like you scientifically cannot live beyond the age of 40 you just can't it's not gonna happen.
The only things that I allow to be romanticized are baseball and my friendship with you, because in the words of Lena Dunham (via Hannah Horvath's computer screen):
"A friendship between college girls is grander and more dramatic than any romance."
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