“Governmental photographs at Gauteng hospitals are neglected and are in a dire state of disrepair”. The Health Minister was addressing a crowd of Mopani worm vendors spread eagled on the floor outside casualty.
To keep fit I like to fill out at least 50 phleb forms daily, bench press two oxygen tanks (3 sets of 10) and piggy back my patients to CT scanner. I choose to sprint up the stairs to the ninth floor, not because the lift has an 'out of order' sign on it, but because I'm doing 'legs' today. If I can make it through this workout without vomitting up blood, I will reward myself with a Fresubin shake and a B12 injection into one of my massive glutes. I am a fit medic.
A replica of Kim Jon Il’s urinary system has been inaugurated as an official presidential must have this Chrismas. The paperweight was launched at a public synchronised execution at Phallus Square in Pyongyang earlier this week...
Darwin Award nominee Halle Berry has taken the manufacturers of the antipsychotic Haloperidol to court over alleged copyright infringement pertaining to the popular Halle Berry Doll toy range. The actress turned toy designer turned tricks on West 63rd street alleges that the drug ‘stole’ its name and marketing campaign directly from the popular toy for ages two and up. The dolls, which are said to be ‘as ubiquitous as skinny jeans in Darfur’ are manufactured under licence in North Korea and sold by Walmart in the light artillery section...
The grade 5 diary of Osama Bin Laden was among the items discovered in a rusty locked receptacle in ward 596 at the Gem Hospital in Johannesburg.
Mickey Pyjamason (7) used to enjoy eating Oreos and playing ‘cops and robbers’ with his Teddy before he became addicted to pethidine. Now he and Teddy are on the run from the real cops. It all started when Mickey was initiated into an Anaesthetic Gang while undergoing a reverse tooth-whitening procedure in the Main Operating Theatre. “I had no choice”, says Mickey. “They asked me if I liked dinosaurs and then they told me to count to ten. When I woke up my mommy was gone and I was scared.” Anesthetic Gangs often prey on the hemodynamically and emotionally unstable. ‘Spider Nevus’ (not his real name) is a member of the infamous 0,9% gang and says that his gang controls three quarters of the crystalloid market. He wears a scrub top with the sleeves torn off and the trademark puppies and skulls bandana. He points to a tattoo of a cat with its eyes crossed out on his cubital fossa and says “We all have needs, aspirations - reasons to wake up from a coma. We think of ourselves as ‘incentivised consciousness'.” Spider explains how they exchange Meowbags (Ketamine + Voluven + Orange juice) for sexual favours, cigarettes and Crocs. “If we haven’t put you under, you’re going down”, smirks Spider as he tightens his Finding Nemo touniquet.
Today hospital IT technicians unveiled the Tiddy Bear 2000 Personal TV – a revolutionary device that will bring the FIFA World Cup games to the bedsides of hundreds of sick and lazy patients across the country. Norman Moosepelt who has developed products like Hair in a Can, The Underwater Bedazzler and Thighmaster of Ceremonies says that Tiddy Bear is the next level of entertainment. “Patients often waste away in their various corners with nothing to keep them busy but the drone of Jenny Chrys Williams’ voice punting the latest self help book for disenfranchised game rangers. Now we have Tiddy Bear”, glints Moosepelt. The Tiddy Bear console weighs a mere 40kg and is powered by a 3 litre diesel engine (to save on electricity). “If you were more than satisfied with 2D Television, you will be moderately satisfied with 1D television and you will receive a free Small Mouth Billy Bass. We’ve really managed to cut costs by removing what we think is an unnecessary dimension. The broadcast quality is somewhere between homogenous static and the Hannah Montana for DOS video game”, says Moosepelt. “We’ve also got delays down to less than 3 hours for that ‘near-live’ experience.”
South Africans sing the national anthem at the Mary Fitzgerald Square fan park ahead of the first match of the tournament between South Africa and Mexico.
‘Feel me, I am here’ is the slogan of Marsupolony - a new hospital FIFA World Cup mascot who has been introduced to improve dwindling morale and help with bed bathing in ward 260. Due to the chronic shortage of beds, patients are often forced ‘to earn their keep’ by doing piece jobs such as cleaning bedpans, dispensing medication and dressing up as 2010 mascots to entertain the hospital staff.
A new hospital wellbeing campaign seeks to weigh obese patients daily to reinforce the danger their overabundance poses to themselves and the lives of others. “Each weigh-in is preceded by a group therapy session where members share their caloric crimes as they pass the ceremonial Twinkie around the circle”, says Weight Warrior Hilda Hindenberg. “Of course the Twinkie is ultimately flushed down the drain. Nothing is ever eaten in the Urine Room”, emphasises Hindenberg. The Urine Room, which gets its name from the abundance of urinals, urinating men and puddles of urine that colour the inside landscape of the room, was chosen by Weight Warriors as a meeting place for its appetite suppressing properties. “It’s very hard to be hungry with all the dripping, flushing, wafting and splashing that goes on in here”, grimaces Hindenberg who has shed a Backstreet Boy in weight since she joined the program. “Being in charge means I can reward those who have lost weight with celery vouchers. Those who have gained get the hose”, squints Hindenberg gesturing to a rusty fire hydrant. The room has been fitted with floor to ceiling mirrors to ‘give the illusion of space and anonymity’.
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