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    Posted on Nov 20, 2014

    18 Things Only Food Perfectionists Understand

    Don't you fall apart on me, sandwich.

    1. Having a sandwich fall apart as you eat it is basically the END OF THE WORLD.

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    Sandwiches are meant to be walls of bread that safely contain their contents. CONTAIN THEM I SAY!

    2. And burritos are basically just disasters waiting to happen.

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    Do not be fooled — tortillas are NOT blankets of strength.

    3. It will piss you off to no end if you've made a sandwich, only for it to fall apart when you cut it.

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    FUCK YOU, TOMATOES.

    No, seriously. Your sandwiches must. be. cut. perfectly.

    4. It gives you severe anxiety to see fruit salad on a plate with other savory items.

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    Must. Not. Touch. Salty. Parts.

    5. When ice cream starts to melt — even a little bit — it severely decreases your enjoyment of said ice cream.

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    Stay frozen, cone-y boy!

    6. The thought of the smell of ketchup on your hands gives you shivers.

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    Need soap now. Gimme soap immediately.

    7. If the handle of your fork has gotten food/grease/sauce on it, you're gonna need a clean fork.

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    Sticky hands sticky hands.

    8. If the cheese layer slides off the top of your pizza, you might just cry.

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    Nooo, cheese! Don't go away! I didn't mean to hurt you!

    9. If a perforated cracker doesn't break on the goddamned line, you'll just break through the entire box until you get a perfectly uniform cracker.

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    Writing an angry letter to the cracker company.

    10. Also, when the cheese-to-cracker ratio is not proportional, you're going to want to talk to the manager.

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    Yeah, um, this cheese is offending me. Please take it away.

    11. And of course you've wondered why they can't make goat cheese that WON'T break a cracker when you spread it on.

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    Impossible.

    12. You know what's almost as awful as getting sauce on your face? The napkin that becomes the slimy receptacle for your sauce.

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    Why can't the sauce stay in the sandwich, and go straight into my belly like it's supposed to?

    13. You don't trust apple pie.

    14. When it comes to food you have to eat with your hands: You'll probably find a way to use a utensil.

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    Or ... can I eat a drumstick by holding it on both ends with a napkin?

    15. Of course, you will eat some foods with your hands — provided they are dry and bite-sized.

    16. Overdressed salads are the things nightmares are made of.

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    And that is the truth.

    17. And watching babies eat and get shit all over their little faces and hands is pure torture.

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    Despite the fact that you were one once.

    18. Above all, you won't settle for anything (especially in the sandwich department) that's less than flawless.

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    NOW THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT. GOOD NIGHT.

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