A Ranking Of 40 Halloween Candies From Nastiest To Raddest

Gummy teeth need to burn in hell.

40. These Nasty-Ass Pumpkins No Fucking Clue What They’re Actually Called

Pure tasteless sugar blechhhhh.

39. Tootsie Rolls

Poop-shaped boringness.

38. Candy Corn

CANDY CORN IS THE DEVIL. You always have to have a taste each season, but even three candy corns later, it’s regrettable.

37. Peanut Butter Kisses

Wrapped in those shady no-brand wrappers? I wouldn’t trust the person who gave you these.

36. Marshmallow Peeps

Peeps belong at EASTER. Not Halloween. BYE.

35. Gummy Teeth

The worst is when you trick-or-treat at some old lady’s house and she offers you these from a dish and just howwww many people have touched them before you? Ew.

34. Pumpkin Balls

The fuck are these things anyhow? Baseballs? Basketballs? Pumpkins that look like basketballs?

33. Dubble Bubble

If you are handing out this chalk-tasting bubble gum that HARDLY EVEN BLOWS BUBBLES, then you best be giving out some Pixy Stix as well.

32. Mini Hersheys

The people who give out these tiny chocolates are the Scrooges of Halloween and do not deserve to participate in Halloween AT ALL. These are disappointments wrapped in decorative foils.

31. Caramel Apple Pops

Otherwise known as your dentist’s worst nightmare.

30. Smarties

These should be called Stupidies. Because no child looks forward to these on Halloween.

29. Cadbury Scream Egg

This is just a Cadbury Egg with green or blue stuff in the middle. Cloyingly sweet but then you have a blue or green mouth after.

28. Russell Stover Chocolate Pumpkins

These are like the knock-off version of Reese’s pumpkins. Not buying it.

27. Candy Corn M&Ms

Blech. Take the candy no one likes and try to disguise them as M&Ms? Nope.

26. Caramel Apple Twizzlers

Twizzlers with a creepy green color and a poop center. No thanks.

25. Starburst Candy Corn

These are like Starbursts that got peer pressured into being candy corn. JUST BE YOU, STARBURSTS.

24. Milky Way Caramel Apple

Inventive, but not as good as a normal Milky Way.

23. Dots

So deceptive because when Halloween candies come in little boxes they are supposed to be the best ones, right? WRONG.

22. M&Ms

Snooore. M&Ms exist only for trading for things slightly better than M&Ms when your stash gets low.

21. Tootsie Fruit Rolls.

These are kind of nasty, but kind of like fun fruity surprises you find at the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag.

20. Skittles

Skittles will always be a standard when it comes to the mix. TASTE THAT MOTHEREFFIN RAINBOW.

19. Jelly Beans

Oh my god, you are a classy motherfucker if you hand these out.

18. Sugar Babies

A slightly rarer, caramel item to be treasured.

17. Rolo

An even rarer caramel item to be treasured.

16. Baby Ruth

This is like the more sophisticated Snickers.

15. Pumpkin Patch Pop Rocks

Do they taste good? No. Are they fun? YES.

14. York Pumpkin Patty

Refreshing and cool but so much cooler because they are shaped like pumpkins.

13. Crunch/3 Muskateers/Milky Way/Snickers

These are like the basic bitches of Halloween candy. They’re standard and good but kind of unexciting.

12. Whoppers

Malt: An acquired taste. Those who revere the Whopper deserve credit.

11. Starburst

YES. Starbursts that comes in twos — it’s the perfect packaging. Provided you don’t get two orange ones in a row.

10. Butterfingers

Ubiquitous. But possessing of higher value in the spectrum of Fun Sized snacks.

9. Almond Joy

So delicious. And it tastes even better in miniature. I know that makes no sense but it does make sense because HALLOWEEN BITCHES.

8. Junior Mints

Yesss. You are totally going to save this for a day a couple weeks from Halloween, pack it in your lunch, bring it out and people are like, “Whooaaa whattt where did you get that?”

7. Twix

Twix is Halloween royalty.

6. Milk Duds

If you give out Milk Duds at Halloween, it means you are well liked and you understand the needs of people.

5. Sour Skittles

Holy shit these are Skittles but EXTRA EXTRA SPECIAL.

4. Spooky Nerds

There are never enough of these at Halloween. NEVER.

3. Sour Patch Zombie Kids

What flavor is the Zombie Kid? No clue, but it’s probably Yum-Flavored, ‘cause that’s how it tastes.

2. Halloween Kit Kats

Orange you glad these exist?

1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins

Any other variation of a fun-sized Reese’s can go fuck itself. NUMBER ONE BEST HALLOWEEN CANDY END OF STORY GOODBYE FOREVER.

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