25 Things That You Should Know About Becoming A Mum For The First Time

I mean, don't let this turn you off procreating or anything...

1. That people no longer come to visit you, they come to visit your baby.

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In fact, without a thought, they will often make a beeline for your baby without acknowledging you. Just try to take it as a compliment, because your baby is definitely the cutest and your guests are just under their spell.

2. That not all your friends will want to hold your baby.

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And you’ll find this rather insulting, despite the fact that you probably weren't that maternal pre-baby either. Were you really that good of friends though? Kidding...kind of.

3. That often complete strangers will try to touch your baby.

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And that you’ll have to stop yourself from yelling, “Get your filthy paws off my baby”.

4. That everything will make you want to cry in the first two weeks.

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Those post-partum hormones are a bitch! And whoever ate that last row of chocolate was just poking the bear. Take it easy, Mamma — you got this.

5. That leaving your baby for the first time will be a traumatic ordeal.

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You’ll be itching to get away and have some “you time”. Then, two minutes down the road, the waterworks and mum-guilt kicks in. But trust me, it’ll get easier each time and taking a break is great for the soul.

6. That you could bleed for up to six weeks after labour.

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People rave about how great it is to not get a period for nine months, but no one mentions how you’ll make up for it in spades post-partum, while shedding aaaall that uterine tissue. This is what maternity pads are for.

7. That you’ll probably not be able to sit either.

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Round cushions, cooling pads and ibuprofen will be your best friends. Best stock up on those ice packs that most Aussie hospitals offer you, too.

8. That labour is, in some ways, the easy part.

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Despite all those labour horror stories people delighted in telling you, the whole birthing thing soon becomes forgotten. And all you’ll want to do is get through the night and have some sleep. But remember, this too shall pass.

9. That your first bowel movement will be almost as scary as labour.

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You’ve just pushed a small human out of your cha cha, but even still, the thought of this will make you quiver. Get it out of the way and avoid clogging yourself up.

10. That suddenly everybody will become a parenting expert.

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It’s usually coming from a loving place, but it can still be very annoying. Like, c’mon people, keep your opinions to yourselves.

11. That you may never catch up on the sleep deprivation following pregnancy and labour.

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Imagine you’ve just run the City To Surf and then you’re told you can’t sleep more than two hours at a time for the next few weeks, months or possibly even years. It’s just plain torture, really. Take advantage of day naps whenever possible!

12. That daylight savings will ruin your life.

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Back in the day, you used to hang out for long, hot, summer days. Then all of a sudden your baby thinks it's party time at 5am and those bright, sunny mornings become literal hell. Do yourself a favour and invest in some good quality block out blinds.

13. That your baby may not sleep much during the day.

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It’s incredible what you can achieve while your baby has a 40-minute catnap. Lucky we're damn good multi-taskers.

14. That as soon as your baby starts to sleep well, they may go through a sleep regression.

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Right when you start to get a bit cocky about your baby’s recent sleep habits, they will likely decide to take you down a peg. Sleep regressions are usually only temporary though, so hang in there.

15. That your new shower time will become "anytime after midday" (if you shower at all).

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The postman definitely thinks you live in your pyjamas. However, it’s totally socially acceptable — you’re bringing up a small human, after all. A baby bouncer will become your new bathroom companion (plus baby, of course).

16. That breastfeeding is hard.

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"I mean, don’t they just latch on and feed?" Ahhh no, not always! Think cracked nipples, baby learning to latch and your milk coming in ebbs and flows. A lot of women do come to love it though, so hang in there if this is something you want to do.

17. That your boobs may become painfully engorged when your milk comes in.

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Waking up in pools of milk is just the best...said no woman ever. Some Aussie mums swear by freezing cabbage leaves and inserting them into your bra. And trust me, you’ll try just about anything to calm those bad boys down.

18. That you’ll often resent your partner for not having lactating boobs.

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It’s 3 a.m, your baby starts to cry and you look over at your peacefully slumbering partner with pure resentment. Try balancing out the parental duties by delegating certain parts of the routine to them — basically, anything to keep your sanity!

19. That bottle-feeding is also hard work.

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Preparing bottles of infant formula on-demand, anywhere and everywhere, requires much skill and organisation.

20. That all you’ll want to do is talk about your baby.

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Namely their poos, wees, sleep routine and milestones — regardless of the fact that no one has a great deal of interest in this information but you. It’s okay, this is what mother’s groups are for.

21. That you will think your baby is a real-life prodigy.

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And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

22. That it will now take you an hour to leave the house.

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And every time you do, it will be like a military exercise. Bottle *check*, dummy *check*, spare clothes *check*, bib *check*, favourite toy *check*, baby *check*, "Oh man, did you just do another poo?"

23. That you’ll probably have to prepare for four seasons in one day.

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Depending on where you live in Australia (Hello, Tasmania and Victoria) there’s a very real possibility that you’ll encounter four seasons in one day. Always have a beanie, cardie and hat stashed somewhere handy for sudden weather changes.

24. That your baby will always time their poosplosions for when you’re in public.

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And wearing that expensive, light-coloured outfit that you’ve been saving for a special occasion. ALWAYS have a spare outfit (or two) on hand wherever you go.

25. And finally, that despite all the ups and downs, you’d still do it all again.

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As you love that little cherub unconditionally (poosplosions, sleepless nights and all) and wouldn’t have it any other way.