To avoid a nasty showdown, you've so far been putting up with your roomie's antisocial friends and love for food of the two-minute-noodle variety. Fear not: there are other ways out of this uncomfortable (and unsanitary) situation.
These are your ten best options for getting the housemate from hell to leave of their own accord. No messy confrontation required.
1. Master the art of the passive aggressive note.
Become an expert in angry letter writing. Then leave these poetic masterpieces on your housemate's bedroom door. Aim for one a day for at least two months. If it doesn't stop, take it up to two per day. We all know how effective this method is. Especially with mature young adults who respond well to criticism.
2. Give them a taste of their own sloppiness.
Dealing with a particularly filthy roommate? Two can play at that game. Start leaving your dirty socks in unexpected places – under a pile of university books or inside a cereal box. Leave piles of dirty plates by the sink, by the sofa, in their bedroom, making sure they can't avoid the mess. As a bonus, this provides hours of entertainment as a game of cat and mouse.
3. Suddenly develop great taste in music.
Play Mariah Carey's entire back catalogue on repeat. At full volume. All day long. And night. If nothing else, this is an effective method of drowning out your housemate's excellent music choices. We highly recommend the album Daydream. What a masterpiece. If that doesn't work, practice your singing to some of Whitney Houston's high-pitched classics.
4. Throw out all their instant noodles.
Every last packet. Because hell hath no fury like a hungry person scorned.
5. Take away the luxury of sleep.
Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes between the hours of 3am and 10am. Accidentally leave your alarm clock in the hallway near their bedroom. Put your earplugs in and settle down for the night.
6. Invite your parents’ pet dog/cat/snake/tarantula to come and stay for a week.
Insist that you promised to pet-watch whilst your parents are on holiday for a week, and invite a furry-legged or slimy friend to stay in the living room. Should the pet spider happen to escape and turn up in their bed, well that's just unfortunate.
7. Decide to learn a musical instrument.
Has anyone ever told you that the drums is a great instrument to learn? Not very sociable though. It's often suggested you need a soundproof basement or outhouse in which to practice. That is unless you're trying to get rid of your housemate. In which case, your bedroom or living room will do nicely - whichever happens to be closest to their room.
8. Become needy.
Become your housemate's shadow. Ask where he or she is going every time they leave the room, whether it be from the living room to the bedroom or bathroom, follow their every move. If your roommate isn't home, call them and ask where they are and when they'll be home. If they don't respond, try crying. If they leave the room, or tell you that they're going out, break down in tears and tell them how much you'll miss them.
9. Water, water everywhere, but none of it is hot.
Get up early, before your housemate, and take your usual morning shower - perhaps make it slightly longer than usual. Then turn the heating off. Whether it be a hot day in July or a freezing cold day in December, nobody likes starting the day without hot water.
10. If all else fails, be an adult about it.
You could, you know, consider talking to them in a calm, non-confrontational way. Although it's probably not worth the effort. Any attempt to ask why they haven't washed their bed sheets in six months is pretty much doomed from the beginning. Now get back to writing that passive aggressive note.
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