24 Things You Wish You Could Put On Your Resumé

Why isn’t quoting Harry Styles an applicable life skill? We would all be mega-employable if Facebook stalking was a job.

1. Your impressive number of Tinder matches

Your friends might be jealous that you matched with a professional athlete but adding it to your CV might be a little overboard.

2. How long you can keep an iPhone without breaking it

Two years is an impressive length of time to keep a phone. Now try keeping a job that long.

3. Your ability to start a successful rumor

Not many employers care that you were able to convince people that Emma Watson was going to transfer to your school, even if it traveled far.

4. Your ability to produce satisfactory work when hungover

Okay, this may come in handy once you land a job but it’s not something you want to mention while trying to find one.

5. Your secret to getting the most out of Chipotle

You have spent years perfecting the double-bean, double-rice, extra corn order without suspicion. Is that not real world experience?

6. Your arsenal of One Direction knowledge

If only knowing the entire dance from the “Best Song Ever” video was a listed requirement for any job.

7. Your parallel parking skills

Learning to parallel park is something that most licensed drivers have accomplished. Even though you want to high-five yourself every time you do it, it’s not as big of a deal as you may think. Unless you’re applying to deliver pizzas, don’t write about it in a cover letter.

8. All of your high school leadership positions

Remember when your list of club involvement and leadership positions got you into your dream college? If only those carried over to the job search and remained impressive.

9. The fact that you only wore sweatpants once this week

And it wasn’t even to class?! Look at you, dressing for the job you want.

10. Facebook as a software competency

It totally counts, RIGHT?!

11. That you would (probably) be a Gryffindor

A Gryffindor has all the traits an employer is looking for so describing yourself as a Gryffindor seems like a good idea, right? But then again, part of you wonders if you would actually be a Hufflepuff.

12. That one time Katy Perry favorited your tweet

It was really exciting. Everyone should know about it. Maybe it shows your social media skill?

13. Your ability to keep up with more than one group chat

This shows aptitude with multi-tasking, yeah? And an interest in current events?

14. That you liked that one band before they were cool

This was the only band you found before your friends. You want your future employer to know that you can be cutting edge.

15. How quickly you can finish a season of “How I Met Your Mother”

Unfortunately, this does not demonstrate your loyalty and dedication to a project. It just kind of makes you seem like a bum (in a good way).

16. Your ability to quote Mean Girls at the perfect time

Why isn’t “making fetch happen” a skill?

17. Your ambidexterity

Not everyone can paint both of their hands with precision. Not everyone can sign their name while holding coffee in their right hand. Not everyone can drive a stick shift AND use left-hand scissors.

18. Your flawless bend-and-snap

Attempting to show this off at a job interview would be borderline sexual harassment.

19. Your tolerance of haters

Dirt off your shoulders. You don’t let haters get you down and are better for it. That is a life skill that should be boasted about.

20. That you have never fist-pumped in public

You went through the entire “Jersey Shore” era while resisting the fist-pump. Doesn’t that show resiliency under pressure? Not even Emma Watson could do that.

21. You can talk to your parents on a Saturday night without sounding drunk

This skill has no application for a job but, damn, has it proved useful otherwise.

22. Your fluency in the language of nicknames you made-up

You have a lexicon of names for people in your life and are able to keep track of them in conversation. It’s just like being fluent in another language.

23. That you can order wine without embarrassing yourself

This is the true mark of an adult and an adult needs a job so by the basic laws of logic, the ability to order wine makes you ready for any job.

24. How you can avoid washing your hair for days

And it only starts to look greasy after day four. Maybe this shows resourcefulness?

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