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28 Life-Changing Things Ryan Reynolds Tweeted In 2016

"No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy."

1. On birth control:

The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.

2. On Tinder:

Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

3. On the iconic film Frozen:

I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.

4. On his Olympic-level anxiety:

If pure anxiety was an Olympic sport, I'd feel really fucking anxious about all the gold medals I just won like a BOSS.

5. On Billy Ray Cyrus:

Just want to wish Billy Ray Cyrus the most special, magical birthday ever. I love you with all my heart. Also, Happy Birthday to my wife.

6. On dinner meetings:

I'm still trying to get out of dinner meetings I had years ago.

7. On drugs:

They should consider inventing drugs that make you feel better about everyone else too.

8. On chic foodies:

This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.

9. On the terrible reality of being an adult:

It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.

10. On the iconic boy band Hanson:

It's difficult... but not impossible to make love while singing MMMbop. I'm sorry for this tweet.

11. On king Zayn:

Zayn isn't on the Graham Norton show with me anymore. I'll still go... But obviously I got my lips done for nothing. #DeadpoolDoesLondon

12. On Fifty Shades of Grey:

My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.

13. On the real truth behind bridal parties:

Someone should bottle the unspeakable emotional terrorism between Brides and Maids of Honor. Then pour it on our enemies.

14. On breastfeeding:

It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.

15. On the stress of politics:

I sometimes confuse watching political coverage with swan-diving into a swimming pool filled with liquid rabies.

16. On fatherhood:

On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.

17. On Burning Man:

Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.

18. On bachelorhood:

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

19. On sex tapes:

Finally saw Batman V Superman. I misunderstood the marketing because this wasn't a celebrity sex tape.

20. On finding zen:

I can't tell the difference between meditation and silent inner shrieking.

21. On family:

I'm making an oil painting of my sister, Sarah. And it's more difficult than I thought because I don't have a sister.

22. On freezing temperatures:

It's cold in Paris, so the Eiffel Tower is smaller than normal, but still, so beautiful.

23. On taking a little break:

Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.

24. On chill and hip AF lingo:

My brother used the word, "fleek" in a sentence, and I had trouble listening to the rest of our relationship.

25. On birth control again:

No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.

26. On meaningful tattoos:

After this morning's diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face.

27. On being responsible:

Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.

28. And finally, on one of the world's greatest treats:

Boys... It's just a milkshake. Get outta my fucking yard.

Never change, Ryan.