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The Bachelor Recap: Week Eight

Why was this episode even necessary?

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You may have noticed that I did not recap last week. I started to, I really did. I was all the way to 7:37pm, despite running on three hours of sleep and a full weekend of overnight babysitting. But then I accidentally clicked out of the post, and all was lost, and well, I was bored and unwillinging to rewind my DVR. So I'm back tonight to recap, but I claim my right to quit if this episode gets boring. And with two hours to fill and no rose ceremony... that's a distinct possibility, especially when I have Friday Night Lights lined up on my computer. Tim Riggins, you complete me.

7:02pm- Nikki is from Kansas City. I anticipate Juan Pablo being very confused that the city is not actually located in Kansas.

7:04- JP also expresses confusion that they are at Oklahoma Joe's Barbecue, but still in Kansas City, and also simultaneously in Missouri! He has broken the space-time continuum!

7:05- Okay, no snark here. I have great respect for mechanical bull riding. On my spring break senior year in Key West, I entered a mechanical bull-riding contest with my best friend. We were the only two not to flash any body parts and we were also super awkward, and therefore we did not win, place or show. Three months later I was at home one night and started getting a lot of text messages from people saying they had seen me on TV. I rushed downstairs and realized that maybe I should have read those papers I had signed a little closer, because I was featured on a Travel Channel show called "Florida Spring Break Travel Fever." My family DVRed it and we watched it with great hilarity many a time, and I have never been more mad at my father than when he accidentally deleted it from the DVR a few months later.

7:15- Nikki visibly gulps as her dad starts in on questioning her and Juan Pablo's compatibility.

7:17- Nikki is ready to drop the "I love you" hammer as they kiss goodbye outside her doorstep. This is just as bad as watching Chelsie try to jump off a bridge. The limo driver not-so-subtly revs the engine to hurry the canoodling couple along... and... she chickens out.

7:23- Ah, Atlanta, Andi's hometown. I've been Atlanta once. I went to Hooters, saw the Kentucky Wildcats lose to Duke, and stayed out til 4am at sketchy bars like Johnny's Hideaway (cougar bar) and some random 24-hour karaoke diner. I do not like Atlanta.

7:25- Oh man. Juan Pablo with a gun is just a bad, bad idea.

7:27- "I didn't shoot that well, I guess." Between his shooting skills and his poor English, I'd say Juan Pablo can safely cross "international secret agent" off his list of potential careers.

7:35- Andi's dad is a very concerned Jabba the Hut and I like him.

7:37- Is Andi's mom openly hitting on Juan Pablo by asking him to dance with her? Bold move.

7:38- I LOVE this question of "Why in the world did you go on this show?" That is a phenomenal question. I missed the answer because my roommate asked me a question, but I imagine it was in garbled English and made only a little bit of sense.

7:45- Andi's sister proves that good genes run in the family.

7:46- "Physical attraction is there, but I'm still trying to dig deeper." Wait, did Sharleen's voice just come out of Andi's mouth?

7:49- Juan Pablo's voice gets higher when he lies. "How'd it go with my dad?" "It was so much fun! It went great! **squeaaaaakkkkk*"

7:56- "I'm going to literally eat my son when I see him." This needs no further comment.

7:57- Update: Renee does not eat her son, but it is a pretty damn cute reunion.

8:04- At first glance I thought Renee's mom had tattoo sleeves. Wishful thinking.

8:07- "We can love our pets, but you need to be in love with the man you want to be with." I kind of like that wisdom.

8:10- We're 0-3 on girls telling Juan Pablo they love him, in case you were keeping track at home, folks.

8:19- Clare is talking about her dad and I'm watching Friday Night Lights on my computer. I do not support Becky and Tim Riggins' relationship.

8:24- Sixteen seconds left in the game! The Lions are down. but they're so scrappy that with Luke Cafferty's pain-medicated help, they win their first game! Clear eyes, full hearts, CAN'T LOSE!

8:25- Well, that was the end of the episode. Friday Night Lights, not The Bachelor. I know, I'm disappointed too. I'm also hungry. THESE TWO HOUR EPISODES ARE SO LONG.

8:27- "That's a lot of swimming. That's a lot of bikini." One of Clare's sisters is hitting dangerously close to ocean coitus territory.

8:34- I went to go get a snack and I missed the drama between Clare and her family but I can surmise that Clare's family isn't sure about Juan Pablo and this displeases Clare.

8:50- I've spent the last 16 minutes eating a snack, texting, and now I see that there is a rose ceremony tonight? And we're having another episode tomorrow? I'm so confused.

8:54- Renee is going home. That's what happens when you don't ocean coitus, girls. Why are we having another episode tomorrow again? Literally, I would not watch if it were not apparent that something disastrous happens with Andi in the fantasy suite. I can only hope it doesn't involve a misfired gun.

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