In this recap, I tend to focus more on my analysis of the Limited Edition Cookie Dough Oreos than my analysis of the conversations among the Bachelor and contestants. You're welcome.
7:04 Pretty much any episode for the next couple weeks will start with a montage of beautiful scenery, girls walking in said scenic locations, and glamorous resorts. Change locations, cut and paste.
7:06 "I can feel the pressure building and building and I feel like I just might erupt." Is Clare talking about her orgasms again?
7:07 I feel like Renee is now qualified to open her own counseling office for single moms and women in distress. Has there been a single heart-to-heart this season that didn't involve her?
7:14 After a boat ride into the middle of nowhere, JP and Andi disrobe and wade into the water. I've said this before, but I'm really impressed with Andi's ability to rock a one-piece swimsuit. Mostly, though, I'm concerned about the water temperature because it's not exactly a hot and sunny day in New Zealand.
7:17 Very relieved for Andi and any potential THO that they ended up in a hot spring.
7:18 Making out under a waterfall.
7:19 "I hope tonight we just have a breakthrough and feel it with one another." I'm just going to leave that here without comment.
7:26 I am so sick of Clare, y'all don't even comprehend. She gets another one-on-one date while the rest of the girls will go on a group date.
7:27 What do Andi and Juan Pablo even have to talk about? He doesn't have enough between the ears for a prosecutor, in my opinion. She can only pretend to understand what he's saying for so long.
7:29 If I had a dollar for every orgasm metaphor this episode, I would have over $7.
7:36 Sorry, I've been distracted by tasting the Cookie Dough Oreos my mom sent me for Valentine's Day. Our focus group decided that they would taste best frozen or crumbled on ice cream, and we detect hints of coffee and maple. Verdict: I like them and I will eat them, but I wouldn't go out of my way to buy them. Thanks Mom!
7:37 Lots of cows. Hopefully the date is cow-tipping cows down the hills.
7:38 It is not cow tipping, but it's close. The daters will be rolling down hills in giant inflatable balls. I have to give these Bachelor date planners credit, they come up with some implausible scenarios and somehow make them work.
7:39 I like Nikki a lot more after she said "comin in hot!" before entering the "Ogo."
7:39:10 Siri, how do you spell "Ogo"?
7:43 We have our first Hobbit sighting after 43 minutes, which is longer than I expected. Sharleen is "geeking out." #dontgeek
7:48 Nikki and Juan Pablo just did the equivalent of what I thought a French kiss meant in 5th grade- literally just sticking their tongues out and touching the tips. Ew.
7:49 I love that Sharleen has taken it upon herself to teach Juan Pablo all the American idioms she can while on the show. Probably because that's the only thing she feels comfortable talking about when they aren't kissing, as is painfully obvious from her attempts to talk about something other than the American language.
7:55 If you've ever wanted to see beautiful women impersonate Gollum, this episode is for you.
7:57 Literal laugh out loud moment when Sharleen accepts the group rose by saying "Yes sir!" and bowing.
7:58 Ominous music is playing in my head as JP calls Cassandra back for a talk, and it's not just to wish her a happy birthday. Actually he does the opposite of that by sending her home. As if 22 wasn't a shitty enough birthday, Juan Pablo, gawd.
8:01 Farewell, Cassandra. Although I really loved making jokes about your NBA baby daddy at the beginning of the season, you actually grew on me, and I realize you are much more than just Former NBA Dancer and now, Former Bachelor Contestant. Sure, you were a little bland at times, but you have a good heart and you're a good sport for getting sent home on your birthday yet maintaining your dignity. Peace and blessings, Cassandra. Go Pistons.
8:09 No one's Skype sessions are that intact and non-blurry. No one's.
8:11 Clare and Juanny Pab are talking about how he called her a slut. He doesn't have much of a defense lined up, but their color coordination is on point. They look like they're about to have a family photo taken.
8:13 Clare has crazy eyes.
8:19 We just collectively realized that Clare and JP's date consisted of just sitting on the beach with a picnic basket near them. I guess the producers put all their effort into the Ogo date.
8:20 Clare is now thanking Juan Pablo for calling her a slut. It shows that he cares, apparently.
8:22 So many questions about these sweatpants. Are those zippers on the back pockets that I see? Why are there back pockets in the first place? Are the sweatpants supposed to taper after the knee like that, or did she roll them up? Is MC Hammer turned on right now? Does MC Hammer watch The Bachelor?
8:34 Do you need to throw up? Here, let me help.
Nikki: "I like a man in pink."
JP: "I like pink a lot."
Nikki: "I kinda like you a lot."
JP: "Why?"
Nikki: "I just do."
*~KiSs~*
There is also a lot of back and forth with JP and Nikki asking each other how much basic quantities are and as usual I tuned out because Nikki is boring and there are Cookie Dough Oreos in my midst and I know how to prioritize.
8:44 "If I were to get a rose, that would leave Kat to go home, and that's a good feeling." Who knew bubbly Chelsie could be so conniving?
8:52 Sharleen looks uncomfortable, which could mean she's contemplating going home, or it could just be another normal night. It's hard to tell with that one.
8:53 To recap, Andi, Clare, and Sharleen have roses. In order: Nikki, Renee, and…Chelsie. Kat the salsa dancer is going home. Can we take a minute to remember that Clare entered the show wearing a fake belly bump, and she's still here?
8:56 Highlights from Kat's farewell schpiel: "I think the problem is my whole life people have been telling me how great I am and what a catch I am, yet here I sit." Ego burst, check.
8:57 Stop me if you've heard this before: Sharleen feels weird and guilty and inorganic for still being here. I think next week is going to be make it or break it week for Sharleen.
8:58 Next destination- Juanny Pab is taking them home to Miami! Stateside we go. Previews for next week include: Sharleen hemming and hawing, Clare and Nikki getting in a catfight, and Juan Pablo looking tortured in a button down with some serious chest showing.
I have to note that the end credits show Juanny Pab and the girls, bikini-clad, running through the hills chasing sheep and having a sheep poop fight. "That was great," says Juan Pablo. His grasp of the English language is really a struggle.
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