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13 Secrets To Surviving Life With A Toddler No One Tells You About

It’s only a couple years of hell.

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Here are some tips from the book you'll need to know to survive the toddler years:

1. If you're not careful, your toddler WILL injure you.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

You need to properly shield yourself from injuries because even napping isn’t safe. But the potential injuries don’t end there! Your toddler will pull your hair, scratch your face with their razor-sharp toddler talons, and perform the backward headbutt during tantrums. Stay alert, parents.


2. Your toddler will probably mispronounce words like “truck” and “fork" in a VERY embarrassing way.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

Your toddler's babbling about their toy truck may sound innocent to you, but to everyone else it could sound like a flurry of f-bombs. You'll want to jump in and clarify any words that sound inflammatory, but actually aren’t, ASAP.

3. Unfortunately, once your toddler becomes intelligible they will embarrass you on the reg.

If you fart — or worse yet have diarrhea — you can expect your toddler to tell everyone about it ALL DAY LONG. And if they spot a man wearing an eye patch, you can bet your ass they’ll be shouting, “It’s a pirate!” To survive this, you'll want to master the “oh my gah, I’m so sorry, I don't know why my kid is saying this" laugh.

4. Bathing a toddler may be a pain in the butt, but you don’t want to fall prey to “bath denial.”

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

Bath denial is when you and your exhausted partner convince yourselves your hopelessly dirty toddler is actually clean enough to skip yet another bath:

You: “He doesn’t need a bath, does he?”

Your partner: 
“Nah. He looks fine to me.”

You: “Agreed. I mean, we just gave him a bath. When was it? 
Last Thursday?”

Your partner: “Monday, actually. But he smells okay if you don’t get too close.”

You: “Absolutely. Clean as a whistle.”

5. If you fly with your toddler, you should expect to join the Mile High Club for parents.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

Now don’t get too excited. This is very different from the other Mile High Club. To join the parents club, you must successfully change a diaper in the tiny airplane bathroom. This isn't easy, so you'll want to go in with your supplies handy and a game plan.


6. If your toddler is talking too much somewhere they shouldn’t (like the library), ask them what they like about vegetables. This will render them mute within seconds.

7. Toddlers see the world very differently than you — especially when it comes to candy.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

Yes, toddlers can spot a single piece of candy from a couple cities over, but you'll want to try to spot the sweet stuff in public before they do. If you don't, you'll either have to tell your toddler no and deal with the resulting tantrum, or let them have it and ride out their sugar high (and crash).

8. Toddlers can be picky eaters, but there's one type of food they'll want to eat EVERY time — your food.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

Telling them your food is "spicy" or "hot" may put them off it — at least for a little while.

9. It's best to avoid talking to your toddler using “baby speak.”

This will not only help to improve
 their verbal development, it will lower your chances of getting caught saying “wee wee” or “nappy poo” in front of another adult.


11. Your toddler will try to extend their bedtime routine, but agreeing to it is a big mistake.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

You're going to want to put off your toddler's pleas for extra stories, tickles, and other bedtime staples because — if you don’t — you will eventually find yourself crying at 11 p.m. as your wide-awake toddler acts out the last verse of “Five Little Monkeys.”

12. To survive parenting a toddler, you'll want to take as many "mini vacations" as possible.

Ted Slampyak / Via Quarto Group

What's a mini-vacation? Those brief, stolen moments when your toddler isn’t hanging on you or whining for something to eat. Pumping gas, for example, is a great time to unwind. Take a nice, deep breath (but not too deep on account of the gas fumes), and entertain yourself by watching the cars zoom by.

13. Once your child completes toddlerhood, you may suffer from POFT (parents of former toddlers) disorder.

POFT sufferers continue to only eat out at fast food restaurants long after their kid is able to handle something a little more formal, and still wake in the night humming Yo Gabba Gabba songs. In order to live freely again, you must let go of these things. If you don’t, the toddlers will have won!