BuzzFeed Parents Editor Mike Spohr and his wife, Heather, (creator of the blog The Spohrs Are Multiplying) know a thing or two about living with toddlers.
Their new book — The Toddler Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Whiny Unfed — is a guide for parents on how to make it to the other side of toddlerhood in one piece.
Here are some tips from the book you'll need to know to survive the toddler years:
1. If you're not careful, your toddler WILL injure you.
2. Your toddler will probably mispronounce words like “truck” and “fork" in a VERY embarrassing way.
3. Unfortunately, once your toddler becomes intelligible they will embarrass you on the reg.
If you fart — or worse yet have diarrhea — you can expect your toddler to tell everyone about it ALL DAY LONG. And if they spot a man wearing an eye patch, you can bet your ass they’ll be shouting, “It’s a pirate!” To survive this, you'll want to master the “oh my gah, I’m so sorry, I don't know why my kid is saying this" laugh.
4. Bathing a toddler may be a pain in the butt, but you don’t want to fall prey to “bath denial.”
5. If you fly with your toddler, you should expect to join the Mile High Club for parents.
6. If your toddler is talking too much somewhere they shouldn’t (like the library), ask them what they like about vegetables. This will render them mute within seconds.
7. Toddlers see the world very differently than you — especially when it comes to candy.
8. Toddlers can be picky eaters, but there's one type of food they'll want to eat EVERY time — your food.
9. It's best to avoid talking to your toddler using “baby speak.”
This will not only help to improve their verbal development, it will lower your chances of getting caught saying “wee wee” or “nappy poo” in front of another adult.
10. If someone says hi to your toddler but your toddler doesn't respond, try using one of these excuses to break the awkward silence:
11. Your toddler will try to extend their bedtime routine, but agreeing to it is a big mistake.
12. To survive parenting a toddler, you'll want to take as many "mini vacations" as possible.
13. Once your child completes toddlerhood, you may suffer from POFT (parents of former toddlers) disorder.
POFT sufferers continue to only eat out at fast food restaurants long after their kid is able to handle something a little more formal, and still wake in the night humming Yo Gabba Gabba songs. In order to live freely again, you must let go of these things. If you don’t, the toddlers will have won!