26 Things Every Pregnant Person Has Secretly Done
There comes a point in every pregnancy where you just say, "Fuck it."
1. Went the whole day with your jeans unbuttoned and unzipped.
And most days you didn't even bother with a bra.
2. Didn't shave...
...anything below your belly button.
3. Went to the drive-thru alone to order a #2, #5, and #7 with a milkshake.
Hey, the baby was craving it, not you. All you wanted was the milkshake.
4. Dropped something and didn't pick it up.
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Welcome to the world of covering spills instead of cleaning them.
5. Put a mirror between your legs because you wanted to remember what it looked like BEFORE.
Farewell, sweet princess.
6. Not worn certain shoes because...cankles.
Swollen pregnancy feet are the worst.
7. Blamed your hormones for your behavior.
Just one time. All the other times it really was the hormones.
8. Purposely held your hand under your belly so people would know you were pregnant, not fat.
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You rubbed it, too. Just in case they couldn't tell.
9. Snuck some stuff for yourself on your baby registry.
You needed that stretch mark cream (and those alcohol test strips for your breast milk).
10. Peed a little in your pants.
How were you supposed to hold your bladder with the weight of a human on it?
11. Dyed your hair.
Experts say it won't harm the baby, but you still pretend you didn't.
12. Cried alone.
Due to one (or all) of the following: bacne, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, or a comment someone made earlier in the day.
13. Been so constipated you were scared the baby was going to come out if you pushed any harder.
But when you finally did go, it was literally a shitshow.
14. Squeezed your nipples to see if breast milk would squirt out.
And were tempted to taste it.
15. Exaggerated the pregnancy "waddle" to look more legit.
Because you're F#$%ING pregnant, ladies and gentlemen!
16. Drank caffeine.
It was only a little.
17. Forgot to take your prenatal vitamins.
Vitamins aren't birth control. You took two the next day.
18. Had full-blown adult conversations with your belly.
BFFs 4 LIFE.
19. Ate ice cream out of the carton. All of it.
Okay, fine. You did this when you weren't pregnant, too.
20. Got disappointed if the sex of the baby wasn't what you wanted.
It's okay, you got over it pretty fast.
21. Experienced discharge that was just weird.
What she said.
22. Used your pregnancy as an excuse to not have to do something.
Sudden movements, like getting off the couch, could induce early labor.
23. Passed gas in public.
Walk away! Walk away!
24. Spent way too much time getting the perfect angle for that nine-month-preggo selfie.
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Bigger is better!
25. Planned a sex marathon to induce labor.
GET IT OUT.
26. Psst! One last secret: You weren't really listening during any conversations because all you thought about was food.
This was you on the reg.