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"Having a relationship with your grandchildren is a privilege, not a right."
"Boundaries isn't a threat. Boundaries isn't a dirty word. Every adult relationship has boundaries – scratch that – every relationship deserves boundaries, even ones between adults and children. My parents get to see my kids because they respect my boundaries. But if someone does get cut off from their grandchildren, it's a pretty good indicator that they didn't respect the parent's boundaries to begin with!"
"Firstly, there are no secrets allowed between a caregiver and my children. If a grandparent says, 'Don’t tell mom' – I personally would no longer trust that person. The same goes for disclosing accidents or incidents that may occur in their care. I’m either getting the whole truth of what’s happening with my children or I can’t trust you with them. Open communication and honesty is crucial. Again, all this comes down to respect. You either respect the parents of your grandchildren to make the best decisions for their family and raise their own kids, or you don’t. There are plenty of parenting choices that may not be agreed upon, but, at the end of the day, barring anything unhealthy or unsafe, a grandparent should respect a parent's right to raise their children in their way."
"At the end of the day, I want to feel comfortable with the people in my children's lives because they are going to help mold who these young people grow into. There are so many benefits to wider family involvement, but as the parents, we have to feel like we can trust those people and that our wishes for our children are respected."
"You have no rights in the United States of America* to your grandchildren. OK? Very likely, the proximity to which you have with your grandchildren reflects the relationship and the type of dynamic you have with your adult children. So if you love, care for, miss, and cherish developing or maintaining or cultivating a relationship with your grandchildren, you may want to start with the source: their parents, your children. And determine the ways in which you and your behavior may or may not dictate how close they want you with their kids," she concluded in her TikTok.
*There are certain situations where a grandparent can petition for visitation or custody of their grandchildren. But, in the US in general, the law protects parental rights. This means that grandparents' visitation is not mandatory because, under their parental rights, parents are solely able to decide what is best for their child.
"In a home where the primary caregivers are safe, loving, competent, and present, there is no need for grandparents to overstep their authority and take on the role of the primary caregiver. Instead, the grandparents can become part of a healthy and vital support system for their adult children in the form of respite, caregiving, financial, emotional, and physical support. Primary caregivers should be supported and empowered by grandparents to make decisions that they believe are best for their children, and grandparents should do their best to adhere to the parenting style and parenting plan of the primary caregivers."
"For many, following through with consequences when boundaries are overstepped is the most difficult part because the family system of either primary caregiver did not support articulating and asserting boundaries in childhood. Essentially, the interactions that adult children have with their parents and in-laws mirror those they had when they were children. This comes down to the tools and support parents have at hand to break generational patterns that are in the best interest of their children. Many clients that I work with are the only individuals in their family of origin who have attempted to break generational patterns. They often express how difficult and lonely the road is. To all those parents, I encourage you to keep going."
"What many have been socialized to believe are 'cultural differences' in parenting practices are [actually] unhealthy and abusive patterns of behavior and communication that are passed from one generation to the next through parenting practices. Two examples of this are spanking and emotional neglect. A few ways to address abusive generational patterns are through therapy, parenting education, improving communication skills, and implementing healthy boundaries. Therapy is a great tool to explore when parenting because it can help you identify unhealthy patterns of behavior and communication that were normalized, tools to help cope with parenting-related stressors, and to identify triggers brought on by parenting experiences and challenges."
"I also find that adult children struggle with how to communicate effectively when there is a conflict. This very often arises because there are unspoken rules in place in family systems that you grew up in, married into, or are impacted by as a result of having a child with a person. These rules are also called family scripts where each family member plays out their role in the family system without any conscious awareness.
Another way to address this is through education. How can we expect our in-laws to utilize a different set of parenting skills if they never learned what to do differently and why the parenting practices they implemented are harmful? In cases where in-laws are open-minded and willing to listen, educate them on the ways in which they can parent differently. Teach them some of the tools that you use with your children. And use negative experiences as teachable moments for active and open grandparents."