The subreddit r/AmItheAsshole? is a popular place where people can go to ask fellow Reddit users if their actions deem them an a-hole or not. Today we have a 26-year-old pregnant woman who is seven months pregnant with her first child.
"My husband and I had already decided on what to name our baby depending on the gender, and upon finding out that she was going to be a girl, we announced that we would name her Adelaide. I first heard of this name when I was a kid and thought it was beautiful, and decided that if I ever had a daughter, I would name her Adelaide," u/BabyNameThrowaway931 explains in the thread.
However, after u/BabyNameThrowaway931 publicly announced the name, one of her close friends started becoming distant. "Throughout my pregnancy, I have tried to be sensitive to her feelings, as I knew it was a sore point for her. Two years ago, she tragically lost her baby girl to a stillbirth. I can’t even begin to imagine how heartbreaking this must have been for her and I made sure I supported her through this devastating loss," she said.
And, despite her friend's trauma, u/BabyNameThrowaway931 said she has never been anything less than kind and empathetic towards her...up until the day she announced her baby's name. "A couple of weeks later, she confronted us, suggesting we change the name of our baby, which we rebuffed. She kept on trying to convince us, suggesting different names, or saying that Adelaide was too old-fashioned or that it wouldn’t suit our child. We kept on denying to change her name until, eventually, my friend started crying and revealed that Adelaide was the name she’d chosen for her stillborn baby."
It is important to reiterate that u/BabyNameThrowaway931 never knew this. "When she was pregnant, she refused to tell anyone her baby’s name, as she wanted it to be a surprise for when she was born. After the stillbirth, she decided she would keep the name to herself because it was personal to her and we understood. Until recently, no one knew what her baby was going to be called."
"She claims that, by keeping our name, we are disrespecting the memory of her baby. She said that if I chose the same name then my daughter would be a living reminder of what could have been. I completely understand her grief, but I believe I should have the right to name my child without being burdened by someone else’s trauma. AITA?"
Well, this story has more layers than just someone stealing a name... Here is what the people of Reddit think:
"You wouldn’t be an asshole if you don't change the name, but you also wouldn’t necessarily be kind. It’s really a tough spot and I don’t envy it!"
"She doesn’t own the name, but I understand her grief. It’s ultimately your choice — you say you’ve had this name picked out for a girl your whole life so if it’s worth losing your friendship over, use it. But do understand that your friend will likely choose not to be in your life anymore. Is that a healthy reaction? Probably not, and I’m sure therapy would be very beneficial. But grief is all-consuming and your friend has indicated that this is a hard line for her. I agree that you shouldn’t be burdened by someone else’s trauma but when we form relationships, we choose to invite people — and their struggles — into our lives."
"Sometimes we have to stand for ourselves, but sometimes we have to choose others before us. Showing your friend that you can have empathy for her loss and that you have no desire to cause her more pain is a beautiful thing to do. You're not obligated to do it, and if you decide to maintain the name, please let this friendship go. Don't ask her to stay when she told you she's not mentally and emotionally capable of seeing the possibilities of what she could have. No, you're not an asshole. You will not be doing something bad by staying with this name but, at least in my opinion, this is not a hill to die on. A good friend is something to be cherished and is not easy to find."
"The real question here is: 'Will you see yourself the same if your friend regresses in her grief/depression because of this situation?' Make peace with whatever is your decision."
"Not an asshole. For you, life has moved on for the past two years and you are welcoming a new life into the world. You associate the name with life, hope, and the future. You obviously had no idea that your friend's deceased child was given the name. Be prepared to lose a friend, but neither of you is the asshole in this situation."
"For your friend, life has probably moved at a snail's pace and what happened probably feels like it occurred yesterday. Grief is funny like that. To her, the name is forever associated with someone who should have been. A future she should have had. Your daughter will forever be a painful representation of what she should have had. 50% of her DNA that she grew, loved, and carried for several months."
"In some situations, asking someone to change the name of their child would be an asshole move. But grief, especially when her daughter was stillborn, is tricky and I don't necessarily think it makes her an asshole to feel the way she does. Obviously, this is something she can come across at any point in her life with someone with that name, but I do think it's much harder when it's someone you're close friends with and who you know you'll interact with for years. I think I'm gonna go with 'not the asshole.'"
"Do what you feel is best, but just take some time to really think about how important Adelaide is as a name and how important your friend is to you."