1. Cuss. Like ever again. You have a young mind to mold!
2. Have sex in any other position besides missionary. Unlearn all the kinky stuff you did before marriage – you're a mom now.
3. Go out at night. You will melt.
4. Wear jeans that are below your belly button.
5. And no shorts. Your legs are for walking, not showing.
6. Take time to be alone in your own thoughts. Your thoughts are only of PTA and what to make your kid for tomorrow's school lunch.
7. Watch trashy shows. Cancel cable and Netflix. Oh, and turn off any reality TV. Your DVR should only have HGTV and Dr. Phil now.
8. Post any pics that aren't of your kids on social media. How dare you even think of taking a selfie where you look "sexy!"
9. Have long hair. Proper "mom" cuts do not go below the shoulders.
10. Wear sexy underwear. Thongs are for people on Tinder. Slap on those all-white, full coverage undergarments, and call it good.
11. Get tipsy. You may have an occasional half-glass of pink wine, but only if the kids aren't watching. Hard liquor is off limits.
12. Have a messy house under any circumstance. You must follow your kids around every day, making sure every single thing is put back in its proper place.
13. Wear heels over an inch tall. A mom's feet are meant for sneakers, flats, or crocs.
14. Wear anything tighter than a sweatshirt. People can't know what's under there!
15. Order take out. Prepare wholesome meals for the family at home or go to Applebee's.
16. Buy unhealthy snacks. Make it your duty to keep anything with sugar out of the house.
17. Spend money on yourself. Moms don't need things — they have kids.
18. Watch R-rated movies. Just say no to movies like Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey.
19. Have a career. Making sure your house is spotless is your career.
20. Wear trendy makeup. If your eyeliner is too thick or your lips look too plump, you might look like a "beautiful woman" instead of a "mom." That would be a tragedy!
21. Have a girl's night out. You may take group painting classes, but they can't go later than 7:30 p.m.
22. Workout to get a "hard" body. You can do Jazzercise, but don't sweat.
23. Go out in public in sweats. Who do you think you are?!