1. First off, how do you clean IT?
ABC
Yes, you mean the baby penis and balls.
2. And then there's the question of circumcision.
jezebel.com
Just saying the word sounds painful.
3. And while we're on the topic, what are you going to teach him to call his "thing"?
java_queen_ / Via instagram.com
You could go traditional here with "penis" or make up your own word, like "Beanee Weenee" or "Frank N' Beans."
4. How should you style his hair?
Paramount
Of course you think about these kinds of things.
5. Wait, wait. Back to the penis. Does putting on a diaper hurt him or smash it? Or worse yet, stunt its growth?
NBC
You don't want to be responsible for any permanent shrinkage.
6. And once he is potty trained, how will you ever keep your toilet seat clean?
Fox
Face it. You will never be able to keep the toilet clean for as long as he lives at home.
7. Is your grocery bill going to double?
Nickelodeon
No, it will probably triple.
8. At what age will he start getting facial hair?
View this photo on Instagram
And when should he shave it?
9. When will his voice change?
memes.com
Come on, the only kind of puberty you know about includes periods and boobs.
10. What age do you start talking about condoms?
sean.lavelle.161 / Via instagram.com
Or have the "talk" in general?
11. And what if he dates someone you hate?
Columbia
Things could get ugly.
12. Will he get boners?
Disney
YES.
13. What do you do when you find lotion in his bedroom?
kreshtacevallos / Via instagram.com
And what if it's a really BIG bottle?
14. More importantly, what do you do if you find his porn stash?
Universal
You can't even deal with that.
15. Are you even equipped to handle things like ~wet dreams~?
NBC
The answer is no.
16. And there's also that fear of not knowing when he'll be taller than you.
jeaninedixon / Via instagram.com
Just because he's bigger than you doesn't mean you can't punish him.
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