1.
The happiest days of my life so far: 1. My wedding day 2. When my children were born 3. Today - the day I returned my sons trumpet
2.
daughter: can i keep the night light on? me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
3.
Is it fucked up or genius that I taught my kids to sing a clean up song to the tune of "my neck, my back"? 'Do it now Clean it good Clean this house up like you should Your books Your blocks Pick your shoes up, and your socks' Nevermind, that's definitely genius.🤷🏻♀️
4.
Doctor: When you give your child grapes, make sure you cut up each individual one. But don’t cut it in half, cut it the long way and not just into twos, you have to cut it into fourths. Cut each individual grape the long way into fourths. Me: Don’t give my kid grapes, got it.
5.
Yesterday my child tugged on my shirt. “What can I do for you?” I asked, exhausted. “Mommy is tired. She has nothing left to give.” She responded by looking deep into my eyes, and then snatching the last of my fries from my plate. So I guess I stand corrected.
6.
Watching my kid rip through her Birthday presents feels awfully symbolic of what she did to my vagina this very day, years ago.
7.
Me, 18 years old: My greatest fear is never having a family and dying alone. Me, 30, with a husband, three kids and a dog: I'd do some shady shady things to be left the hell alone.
8.
My marriage is at its strongest when we corroborate one another's lies to our children.
9.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry? Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
10.
[Being murdered] Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.
11.
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
12.
Sometimes the only way I can get my kid to eat is to pretend to eat his food and sometimes it doesn’t work so I just eat his food.
13.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
14.
This morning my son asked me if I lied a lot and that's why my nose is so big, but yeah I cherish every moment of parenthood.
15.
Me: I can’t believe we are actually early to something. Kid: I forgot my shoes. Me: Now I can.