1. Because you don't have the college credentials to be a dick rater.
2. Because you fucking HATE vanilla ice cream.
3. Because the Bang Academy is not a real place.
4. Because you had a buy one get one free coupon to Victoria Secret anyway.
5. Because you only really ponder this question at wine tastings.
6. Because if you wanted something shitty to sit on you'd go to Ikea.
7. Because you've already seen all the way to the bottom of this goldfish bowl.
8. Because you're an actual scientist.
9. Because this paltry pube offering didn't appease the sex gods.
10. Because not all those who wander are lost, but this bitch definitely is.
11. Because you already aced this test.
12. Because no one wants an existential fuck. No one.
13. Because this is a real medical condition called straight white boys texting.
14. Because moms.
15. BECAUSE.
