To the most beautiful pain I've ever known,
It's been 597 days since you left us. It hasn't been any easier than swallowing glass either. Facing your second birthday without you, I can say I have made such progress. I can walk down the roads we did where we both lived and not cry, I can talk about you and find myself laughing and smiling, I can look people in the eye and tell them how you died and follow it up with something positive. I can finally be honest with you, well… with myself, about you.
Without God, I couldn't have made it. I've come to terms with the fact that in this life, on this earth, I will never see you again. I won't get another date night, another night of back roads, nasty beer and singing country music to each other at the top of our lungs looking as silly as we could without a care in the world. Since you have been gone I looked for you in everything I did. I begged for just one sign that you were with me and that you forgave me and that you loved me, but now I have this to say…you don't have to linger any more. I have found my peace with your leaving.
Along with asking God to bring me peace in your passing I have had to overcome the guilt and despair I came to know very, very well from broken promises and realizations that came to light in the wake of your death. I couldn't make myself go to the hospital when I heard, I convinced myself that you would be okay and I would see you when you got home. I couldn't walk up to your casket and see you until the second day of your funeral and I don't go to your grave to talk to you. These things bothered me about myself, but what bothers me even more than that are the things I did to you while you were alive. I laughed when we had our first kiss, hysterically, you did too, but I know it hurt you. I ditched you at that party you brought me to sophomore year to go to another one and I never asked you if you wanted to come, I downplayed our friendships closeness and you'll never know how sorry I am that I wasn't as proud of you as you were of me.
You were so much more than a friend to me and so much closer than family. I know my whole entire family thought we were going to get old and see the light and get married. We both laughed at the thought. None of us knew that your old would be nineteen. A romantic love wouldn't have been better or worse than what we had found together, but what we had is something I will never find with another soul on this planet. I'll find more friends, I'll have more boyfriends. Those relationships may last longer on Earth than ours did, but nothing could ever compare to what we had. You stuck by me through the toughest parts of my life and the stupidest decisions I always seemed to make. You made me who I am today.
Despite the way I looked up to you, I have to admit that you cross my mind now more than you did when you were alive. It's scary how inevitable it is that things will start to fade. Though some things will always be scarred in my mind and on my heart, like your smile, the warmness of your hugs, the smell of your dip, the taste of the beer you left in your truck all day but we could resist drinking, the sound of your laugh, the fear that I may not remember them right is one of the scariest ever. It's frightening how the reality is that some of you will be stuck in today as we move onto tomorrow. What if one day, I go a whole 24 hours and never stop to reminisce on the beauty you showed me life has with your bright outlook on life and your kind ways? As you have taught me, life is full of the unknown.
You, my best friend, have changed the lives of so many and opened the hearts of so many more to the grace of God. You are truly an angel and the best human I've ever had the pleasure of calling my own something. I want to say that I'd bring you back if I could, but that would be selfish. As scary as it is to wonder what life will throw at me next, with you and God I am prepared to take every challenge whole heartedly and to accomplish more than I ever would have without having to learn to breath and walk again as my life fell apart not having you in it. You made me play the game of grief and now I am prepared to coach the others who find themselves playing. You were, and ARE, and ALWAYS WILL BE the best friend I ever had. You taught me to look into the face of tragedy and fight till I was back in control. Here I am, back on top, making my peace.
I would have never chosen it to be this way, but finding a positive and motivation is the best thing I can do. I hope I still make you proud. That's all I have to say to you for now, and just know that today I will drink a beer and listen to all the Kid Rock and classic country I can for you. Happy 21st and enjoy the view from your side.
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