Some people learn at a young age, some at not so young of an age and luckily enough some never have to learn that not all parents have unconditional love for their children. It sucks to be part of the few who have to wonder why they aren't worthy of their parents time, love and passion. When you have a parent who is too afraid to step up to the plate and be who God intended them to be it leaves you sitting there yelling at yourself in the mirror asking "Why? Why am I not good enough and why do I have to watch my little brother and sister hurt so badly? Why do I have to watch the family I love be hurt and torn apart by someone who I thought I knew so well? Why do I have to give up my innocence and freedom to step into the shoes you they didn't want to wear?" When you have biologicals who don't look at you and see their whole world like they should, it leaves you questioning everything you ever thought you knew, and you question your value as a person and your worth in the world. I've gone through all these emotions and I've hurt and grieved and screamed and cried and coped and healed and then went through it all over again and it felt so lonely going through it all. Now though, I've had time to be alone and sort out my feelings and emotions and I've only got these last words to say to you.
Dear Parent who is incapable of loving,
There is nothing wrong with me. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am okay. I, as well as my brother and sister, are just fine. When you decided that to love us was not what you wanted to do with your life, to not live with us and support us and be our parent, we hurt, but we grew together. You lived your life as we learned to be without you. You adjusted quicker than us to your new life, especially since you walked in and out of ours, we wanted you so badly, but you didn't want us. That's okay though, because we ARE okay now and that's all we ever needed. As I tried to play parent and sister and cope on my own with the fact that my best friend and mom couldn't love me I only saw the flaws in myself. Soon, I hit the next phase in my grieving, I hated you. I, literally, couldn't even hear about you without it making me so angry it brought tears to my eyes. Now though, I see the situation in its entirety.
There is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing wrong with the other two children you walked out on, and there is nothing wrong with the husband you convinced otherwise, there's not even something wrong with you. Surprising to hear right? Well, I've come to realize that you are just utterly incapable of loving. You had such a beautiful and perfect life, but now that I look back I see all the signs. The sleeping all day, the staying up all night, the avoiding of people, and the times you even avoided eye contact with me when I would tell you I loved you in the most sincere ways but you just can't love. I still hate you for it. It still hurts us all that we aren't "worthy" of the love you're so easily able to give to your new life. The way you can be so obsessed with something so disgusting and vulgar and then look us in the face and not feel anything. It's actually pretty pathetic. It's cowardly that you're taking the easy way out instead of stepping up, facing what you've done, asking God to forgive you and to help you love, instead you continue to be the coward you are giving into the devils wishes. That's fine "parent" because I see now that it's not me, it's you.
I am done hating myself and I am done living in anxiety wondering what you're going to do to tear our lives apart again. You can't love me but that's not because of me. That's because you're scared to fully devote yourself to the things that matter because you're scared of failing in small ways, so you fail in a big one. But when your old and when you lay down to go to sleep and your alone and have no one to call because the people who actually love you and care for you have all come to terms with the fact that you don't love them I want you to remember me. I want you to remember the amazing times we had working on my school projects, and getting ready for homecoming. I want you to remember my first boyfriend and my best friends who also considered you theirs. Then I want you to think about the things you can't remember because you weren't a part of them. Like getting ready for my black belt test and my senior night for softball. My first semester of college and grieving the loss of my best friend, someone you at one time considered your son. How about getting ready to walk down the field with the man you left when I made homecoming court? He NEVER stopped loving me. I guess it's not true when they say blood is thicker than water. When you remember all these things, when you finally decide you want to try to love us, I want you to think about selfish you were, you'd think I would want you to mourn the loss of us the way we mourned our loss of you, but no, I don't want you to feel the way we have, you are still my parent, I do still care for you, but I don't need you back and frankly, I don't know if I even WANT you back. Who would I be getting? Do you even know? Think about that.
Even though this is such a terrible situation, we were able to find people who loved us to no end and cared for us unconditionally and took care of us. I was able to turn to God who gave me the strength to handle this situation greatly and help me feel things I never thought I could. And who also helped me forgive you, but that's not to help you, that's to help me. Now I think its your turn to start begging God for what you need.
You couldn't love us, and that's your fault, but we're over the grieving, as you turn your back this time, don't think about turning back around.
Wishing you the best peace you can find with the decision you made to leave.
Sincerely,
The daughter who's accepted your goodbye.
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