1. We're starting off with a Ned Stark flashback on the "previously on." This episode's gonna be good.
2. Or it's going to be horrible/heartbreaking. It could really go either way.
3. Damn. I miss Ned.
4. I feel like Ser Jorah is a bit off his rocker.
5. He's trying to bring Tyrion to Dany like he's bringing her a vase of flowers.
6. Dang. He just threw Tyrion into that boat like a sack of potatoes. Poor thing.
7. The sapphire island looks like the island from LOST, tbh.
8. "Your niece?" LOL at how bad Jamie and Cersei covered up their incest.
9. "It has to be me." AKA my sister won't sleep with me anymore unless I fix this.
10. But really, Jaime looks so hot this season.
11. Why is the Iron Bank so scary?
12. Harsh how Cersei doesn't even give Mace Tyrell the courtesy laugh for his dad jokes.
13. I really can't look at the High Sparrow as anyone other than Governor Swan from Pirates of The Caribbean.
14. Oh yeah, a faith militant... this is going to go well.
15. Oh shit. Who is Cersei about to rat out?
16. So is the Faith Militant's job to walk through the market fucking shit up?
17. For guys who are supposed to be bros with the Lord, they're getting way too much of a kick out of hurting people.
18. Oh no they're going after gay men. :/
19. Run Loras, Run.
20. OK, I preferred Lancel Lannister when he was a dweeb being seduced by Cersei and not being branded by this cult.
21. Margaery is about to put Tommen in his place.
22. Boy better hope Grandma Tyrell doesn't hear about this.
23. "But aren't you and mother getting along?" Feel free to come out from under that rock anytime, Tommen.
24. I feel bad for Tommen. He's trying to impress his cougar wife and run a kingdom at like 14. I could barely talk to my crush on AIM at 14.
25. Tommen also looks like he's going to cry in every scene he's in.
26. "Will you come back later?" Bruh. You're not getting laid tonight. No way.
27. Sam just tries to low-key slip in a letter to Roose Bolton like he's trying to get his mom to sign a note to get him out of gym class.
28. Every time Sam sees a girl it looks like it's the first time he's ever seen a girl.
29. Oh great. Melisandre trying to sneak into Jon Snow's office for some one-on-one.
30. Girl's thirsty.
31. "You gonna show me some vision in the fire?" Nah, just her tits I guess.
32. HOW IS THIS RELEVANT THOUGH? WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING HIM?
33. "Do you feel my heart beating?" I think he's a little distracted right now.
34. After he said "I swore a vow," Melisandre looked at him like, "Is that just your cellphone in your pocket, then?"
35. "You know nothing, Jon Snow." OH SHIT. That was freaky.
36. Pour some out for Ygritte.
37. Shireen is so cute.
38. "She told me, 'I don't want to bring you," ... and the "Mother Of The Year" award goes to Selyse Baratheon.
39. "You are the princess Shireen of House Baratheon, and you are my daughter." I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.
40. I dig this new all black punk look Sansa Stark has going this season.
41. I would not be chilling in that basement full of tombs alone.
42. I cannot get on board with the people who find Littlefinger hot. I can't do it.
43. Sansa braces herself for Littlefinger's kiss the same way I brace myself for a shot at the doctor.
44. Yeah I think waking up with a snake might fall onto my list of worst fears.
45. "In the arms of the woman I love." ... I was waiting for Bronn to say, "So, with your sister?"
46. Oh shit. Bronn is about to get his workout for the day.
47. I always forget Bronn is sexy until he starts fighting.
48. Jaime's fake hand sure came in HANDY... ha. ha. ha.
49. Wait, is that the girl from Whale Rider?
50. Oh shoot. Hey Keisha Castle-Hughes.
51. Ellaria is a boss ass bitch, though.
52. Anddd so are Oberyn's daughters.
53. Casual dude hiding under a barrel with scorpions.
54. Spear through the head. Not a great way to go.
55. "Do you have wine?" would be the second question Tyrion asks when his gag is removed.
56. Tyrion just called Ser Jorah out so hard. Those deductive reasoning skills, doe.
57. Bitch-slapping someone who's hands are tied is NOT very knightly.
58. Danny and Ser Barristan have an adorable father-daughter relationship.
59. Yessss. Hello Daario. Missed you.
60. "All men must die." Maybe I should make that my Tinder bio.
61. OK but the Sons of the Harpy's masks are scary as fuck.
62. That prostitute is such a scheming bitch.
63. No. Not Grey Worm. Don't you dare take Grey Worm.
64. Not until him and Missandei confess their undying love for each other, please.
65. But damn he's badass fighter.
66. Ser Barristan PLEASE GO HOME.
67. All men must die EXCEPT them.
68. OK Ser Barristan is like 80 and fights like he has the body of a 20-year-old on roids.
69. NOOOOOO. Why?
70. Why must everyone I love die?
71. Why much I have non-fictional feelings for fictional characters???
72. Excuse me just going to blow my nose/eat a pint of ice cream/curse George R.R. Martin and the show producers.