1. The Acoustic Guitar Guy
I don't care who you are or what your father does, if you bring an acoustic guitar to my party, by the end of the night you're going to be wearing it. I'd rather play the new Creed album on repeat for my guests than listen to your 10 different versions of Wonderwall. I also have no idea why you're wearing a winter hat in 70 degree weather, I guess if I was that shitty at guitar, I'd cover my ears too. I'm really sorry your girlfriend just broke up with you, but I'm trying to facilitate a slopfest not a sobfest so I'd appreciate it if you'd take your longboard and peace out. Don't forget your hacky sack.
2. Mr. Politics
Dude we were just talking about our favorite Starburst flavor, how did you manage to transition into America's Foreign Policy? The plaid bow tie is starting to make sense now. And I'm civilized enough to have a conversation about serious issues, but I usually prefer those conversations before I've shot gunned a beer in honor of Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter (RIP). And I can't help thinking that you're talking down to me with your smug, "matter-of-fact" tone, like you're educating a thoughtless Neanderthal. And maybe you're right: I can't locate Syria on a map, but I can name all 50 states AND their corresponding capitals so suck it. Are you with me Bismarck, North Dakota?! So I'm sorry to bail on you, but I think I'm allergic to your tweed sports coat.
3. The Jacked Stranger
I'm a big fan of meeting new people so I don't mind you bringing your high school buddy to my shindig, except when he looks like The Rock. If someone's going to make me feel like a bitch at my party, I'd prefer it to be one of my friends. Even if he is a big teddy bear, his mere presence is a constant reminder of my 3 month hiatus from the gym. I can't just be having JJ Watt perusing around my apartment uncaged, it's unsettling. Granted I will be cornering him for a couple hours at the party asking him to critique my dead weight squat form and inquiring about his supplement intake, but that's me just being a courteous host. And by 'courteous' I mean 'insecure'.
4. The Phantom Farter
There's a crucial decision an innocent victim must make when a fellow partygoer selfishly passes gas and lets the rest of us marinate in it: weather the shit storm, maintain eye contact and confidently continue the conversation you were having OR acknowledge the elephant in the room. No one wants to transition from asking for someone's phone number to asking if they're currently inhaling poop particles, but if they beat you to asking the question, you are the perceived culprit. Gotta protect yourself, can't let anyone smear shit on your name. The worst part about this situation is that the guilty party is in the other room with a shit-eating grin on his/her face knowing that there are too many suspects and not enough evidence to convict. There's a fucking OJ Simpson at my party.
5. The Interrogator
"Hey where can I put my coat? What's your address? You got a liquor store around here? Mind if my cousin's friend's plumber stops by? What's the meaning of life?"
I haven't been asked this many questions since my mom found a lighter in the glove box of my car. As much as I'd love to make this entire night about you, I only invited you because I wasn't getting many confirmed guests on Facebook. You are nothing more than a space filler. You got that? You need clarification? Your cousin's friend plumber got weed?
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