The Ten Kids You Meet in Your College Facebook Group
Congrats. You’ve finally been admitted to your dream school (!!!), so after you've read, re-read, and re-re-read your acceptance letter, ordered your college sweatshirt, and plastered university paraphernalia all over your walls, you head to the interwebz to meet your future classmates. You're not alone. It's a hot mess everywhere else too. Congrats. #acceptedco2018
1. Overly Attached Classmate
"It's hard to describe this feeling, but every time one of you posts something in this group that makes me smile, I realize you could possibly be one of my closest friends in the future. There's so much potential in the Class of 2018- I really cannot wait to meet all of you."
2. Typical, Unoriginal, Looking for a Roommate Type
"Hi! I'm [teenage girl name]! Michigan is one of my top choices and I'm not sure if I'm going yet, but want to try to find some awesome girlfriends!
1. I'm really social! I'm definitely going to try to make friends at college!
2. I'm rushing (of course)!
3. I LOVE to eat food!
4. I still want to work out and be active!
5. I'm not a neat freak but I don't want to live in a messy dorm!
6. Netflix is my LIFE! I love watching movies!
7. I listen to any and all generic pop music, and some alternative stuff to stay unique!
8. I'm a big sports fan! Go Blue!
9. I played a couple sports in college and want to stay on a club team if I can!
10. I can't wait to meet everybody this autumn! Yay!!"
- Literally Every College, Ever (satire courtesy of UofMichigan)
3. Future Frat Bro
"What up champs, my legal name is Borja, but when you direct me, you refer to me as "Admiral, Baller, CEO: Morales." Lost my virginity at age thirteen to the senior prom queen dime that lived in the big ass house down the street, a clear indication that I know how to work my way into the primest of pussy. My dad owns a company, a yacht, and chances are your dad as well. If you couldn't tell by my confidence and radiating superiority, I'm a two sport 4-year varsity athlete, All-Conference Lacrosse and captain of the hockey team. If any of you poors want to be my roommate, I suggest you try to impress me in comments or just call me at 262*555*7825"
- Saint Louis University
4. Man With A Massive Ego
5. Socially Awkward and Unacceptable
"So we had our Spring Break in Mexico this last week (I'm so ready for the street now) and there was this group of Yale students staying in the same resort as us. Needless to say they thought they were all that - cocky little mofos. One night my guy friend had a few (nay, a lot) in him and kind of wanted to fight them. He says to one of the Yale kids and points at me "She's going to Princeton! Princeton is better than Yale so suck it!" and kept going on and on, and I felt so empowered. Even drunk people know it's a fact :D"
6. Lost and Confused
"Anybody else excited for living in Chicago??"
7. Super Nerd
"The only thing I like more than pussy is science"
8. The One That's Only There For The Parties
9. The Innovative Genius
"I can't be the only one who plays Supermodel by Rupaul when they need to stop procrastinating, right?"
- WashU in St. Louis
10. The Poets
"So after the intense philosophical conversation brought up this morning….I thought I'd lighten the mood a bit. My freshman health teacher saw me today and gave me a copy of a crazy poem I wrote for her in sex-ed, and I just wanted to share it with anyone who wanted a good laugh. It's one of my proudest works hahaha please don't judge me too hard — It's called "Just Leave Me Be" ..
My shelter is ripped away
Leaving me unshielded from the light.
I shiver in the startling chill
Oh, how I liked my old home
All dark and cozy…
Suddenly I feel my master's hands
A strange sensation flows throughout me
As I feel my many cells filling
To the point of bulging.
What's going on?
No longer am I resting
On the skin of my master…
Now I point straight out,
Stiff and straight as a board.
I hear the tear of paper from far above.
A foreign, ring-like object
Is pushed atop my head.
Only a tiny pocket of air is left
Between me and what I now realize is latex.
Is this some tool of suffocation?
My master reaches down
And unravels the strange ring of latex
All the way down my stiff body…
An odd, soupy fluid
Eases me into my newfound shell.
I can barely breathe…
For this shell, oh, it's very tight.
At least, I tell myself,
I can still see.
But then all is lost.
My master guides me into a dark, confined space.
I begin bobbing back and forth,
Back and forth…violently.
I'm jostled to no end.
Able to take no more of this maltreatment I vomit:
Right into my shell.
Soon after, I realize,
I've been removed from the dark cave.
It seems my work here is done.
Please master, I beg you…
Just leave me be."