242 Things That Crossed My Mind While Watching The Season 3 Finale Of Orange Is The New Black
You've Got Time. (Spoilers)
1. Wow, the lyrics of the opening song are actually so poetic. Regina Spektor, you are queen.
2. AND YOU'VE GOT TIIIIIIIMMMMMMMEEEEEEE
3. But sometimes I don't have time for this theme song.
4. Wait, so Big Boo and Pennsatucky didn't shove a broomstick up that guard's booty? Darn.
5. Ok, Pennsatucky needs to learn the definition of rape. Not his fault? Maybe he felt bad afterwards? NO NO NO. MAKE HIM PAY FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE.
6. I forgot about Soso.
7. How could I forget about Soso?
8. Oh dang.
9. OH DANG. SHE'S STILL ALIVE. Taystee has so much wisdom, and maybe a little too much experience dealing with drug overdose victims.
10. YAS we get Soso's backstory!
11. Ahhhhhhhhhh. The classic Tiger Mother Situation. The TMS. Intense. Mrs. Soso doesn't mess around. I guess that would explain Brook's need to rebel.
12. Life at the Healy household really sucks.
13. Oh man. One mention of Lasagna Classico and I'm starving.
14. "I'm surrounded by women in captivity all day long, I don't need to come home to another one who feels like she's trapped in a cage." Healy is getting really deep with the metaphors. REAL deep. Wow. What a Negative Nelly.
15. But wait, it's fine if Katia doesn't even try to communicate with him, but when she doesn't bring him her leftover lasagna classico, that's the last straw? I will probably never understand men.
16. Wait so now we are back to Soso, is she breathing or not?
17. Oh my goodness gracious, am I really about to watch her vomit down a shower drain?
18. Yup. Yup, it happened. No chill whatsoever.
19. That might be the nastiest vomit I have ever seen. And it isn't even real.
20. Ok, this daddy's boy is just annoying. Danny, I think his name is?
21. Yes, it's Danny.
22. There's something about Caputo's mustache that turns me on, and that disturbs me.
23. So sad that Sophia is in SHU rn :(
24. I love Caputo, but this little heart to heart with Danny Daddy's Boy is irrelevant right now because all I care about seeing is RUBY ROSE AMIRITE
25. Every time I see Norma I just want to cry tears of happiness because of how adorable and sweet she is.
26. Leanne, please shut the hell up. Thank you.
27. Seeing Norma upset is literally the worst thing in the world. Like my heart is dying.
28. Ok here comes Piper…PLEASE SAY WE WILL BE SEEING RUBY ROSE NOW
29. Nope, not yet.
30. No, Piper, you are definitely NOT the godfather.
31. LOL this exchange between Piper and Flaca is absolute FIRE.
32. Poor Flaca. Is this story about her mother having lymphoma real though? I can never tell with her.
33. Oh snap, there's Alex looking all high and mighty in her bunk, observing this Piper/Flaca confrontation.
34. Also, what is that symbol under Flaca's right eye?
35. PIPER HAS A HEART EVERYONE.
36. OMFG. ALEX LITERALLY JUST ANSWERED MY QUESTION ABOUT FLACA'S EYE DESIGNS LOL. It's supposed to be a teardrop and that makes SO MUCH SENSE. Okay moving on.
37. Wow Alex, calling Piper gross and stupid is harsh. Even from you.
38. "Godfather knows best." Alex always knows how to get the perfect last word in in a convo. Someone get her a mic so she can drop it. Seriously.
39. Okay so we are like 15 minutes into the show and we still haven't seen Ruby Rose. This is wrong. This FEELS wrong.
40. I seriously feel so bad that the inmates have to eat that gobblygoop. That looks disgusting, even for a prison.
41. NO RED, NOT THAT KIND OF "MAN TROUBLES." PUT THE CUCUMBER AWAY.
42. OH MAN RED, COME ON. PUT AWAY THE ONION.
43. There's no excuse for Aleida spreading rumors about Sophia, but if Sophia hadn't jumped to conclusions about Mendoza's son right away this situation could maybe have been avoided. But what do I know? I'm no Jenji.
44. I really like Lorna with this other guy, Vince, or whatever his name is.
45. Okay yeah, it's Vince.
46. They seem like they are each other's spirit animals. They even talk the same. Something will probably happen that will change that though because nothing ever works out for Lorna. Poor Lorna.
47. HAHA wow yup. He's ending things. Poor Lorna. She was almost happy.
48. Lol, he referenced Jersey Shore. I forgot that was a thing once.
49. He makes some valid points. Just like Pauly D and J Woww, Lorna and Vince are two star-crossed lovers who, despite the passionate affection they have for each other, cannot be together due to other relationships and commitments. So heartbreaking.
50. I KNEW SHE ASKED HIM TO BEAT UP CHRISTOPHER. I KNEW IT.
51. Okay wait what?
52. He was literally just about to break up with her and now he's accepting her marriage proposal. I really hope she isn't just imagining this entire exchange.
53. Well that kiss was rather passionate.
54. Wait, is this Morello's backstory now? What about Soso?
55. Eat the bread, young Lorna.
56. Her parents seem really chill.
57. She's all about those dresses, about those dresses, no religion.
58. Oh I guess we are back at Litchfield now.
59. Red's voice is hot.
60. Lowkey wish I had her hair tbh.
61. I want to be part of Norma's little cult.
62. Wait what is happening with this piece of toast…?
63. "Oh My Norma." Angie, you brilliant meth-head you! "Oh My Norma" is going to become a thing. OMN.
64. I can't see Norma's face in that toast but maybe that's because I have a poor wifi connection at the moment and cannot see fine details due to low image quality on my screen.
65. Can they start selling Norma Toast at Kroger?
66. Norma's smile is so heartwarming it could bring Michael Jackson back from the dead.
67. So, Soso (sososo, so so sososo soso so) has turned to the Poussey Posse for help?
68. "Your skin doesn't have to be black as long as your heart is black." Crazy Eyes speaks the truth. This is eerily relevant to the Rachel Dolezal situation, which only proves the theory that Crazy Eyes can in fact see into the future.
69. OMN, another backstory. It's hard to keep all of them straight in this episode.
70. OMN wait, Daya didn't give her baby to Mama Pornstache?????????
71. Where is Bennett.
72. WHERE IS BENNETT.
73. WHERE.
74. IS.
75. BENNETT.
76. Daya holding her vajayjay and comparing the post-birthing pain to the pain of a black eye is just making me really question whether I ever want to give birth.
77. Daya and Aleida ☺
78. Oh snap, Caputo and Daddy's Boy Danny Whatshisname are sitting down with the big man aka Daddy's Boy Danny Whatshisname's Daddy.
79. So is Danny 40 or 4 years old?
80. OMN he quit. Daddy's Boy Danny Whatshisname QUIT.
81. Wait here's Piper again.
82. WILL WE HAVE A RUBY ROSE SIGHTING IN THE LIBRARY OR NAH?!?
83. Hey wait, they got their books back in the library, YAY!
84. Something has to happen in the library. Nothing PG-rated ever happens in the library.
85. No Ruby yet ☹ but Flaca is here again and Alex has Piper so paranoid about her lol this is great.
86. LOL Lolly please go away.
87. YES, COATES LOOKS JUST LIKE A YOUNG JACK NICHOLSON THAT IS SPOT ON! Maybe Lolly isn't so crazy after all…
88. Now all I can think about is Jack Nicholson's deranged face in The Shining.
89. REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM.
90. Commissary looks dope af. They've got a miniature 7/11 up in Litchfield, yo.
91. Chang is actually queen.
92. Who is Birdie Rogers? Are we supposed to know/remember who that is?
93. OHHHHHH right. Just kidding, she's that cool guard who taught the drama class. Sad to see her go.
94. Pause this Healy/Soso convo because WHERE IS RUBY ROSE?
95. WHERE IS SHE???
96. Oh snap, Soso with the shot to Healy's heart, telling him he sucks at his job. Well it's actually true so SUCK IT HEALY.
97. OH MY NORMA. RUBY ROSE HAS ARRIVED. I REPEAT RUBY. ROSE. HAS. ARRIVED. MY HEART JUST RAN A MARATHON AND STOPPED FOR A SECOND BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE RUBY ROSE IS ON THE SCREEN NOW AND SHE IS GOING TO GIVE PIPER A TATTOO MAYBE
98. Can't. Handle. That. Smile.
99. Miley Cyrus + Justin Bieber = Ruby Rose.
100. Ruby Rose's accent gives me eargasms.
101. Current thoughts:
a. *Elizabeth Banks as Gail Abernathy McKadden voice: "John, this girl could turn me"
b. Considering getting a tattoo just because Ruby Rose has like a billion of them
102. On the real though, getting a tattoo in prison does not seem like a good idea. There is so much that could go wrong, Piper.
103. But then again, if Ruby Rose were to offer to give me a tattoo I can't say I would decline.
104. Oh yeah, I forgot that Ruby Rose…I mean Stella…is leaving Litchfield ☹
105. Okay that scene with Ruby Rose was way too short.
106.At least Mendoza is showing some remorse for her role in sending Sophia to SHU.
107. "It's never too late to do the right thing" that's a bit ironic coming from the ex-nun prison inmate, don't you think?
108. OMN SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOPHIA OUT OF SHU PLEASE.
109. Another. Freaking. Backstory.
110. Too much could have gone wrong with Mendoza and that woman holding a lighted match over her stomach. Her PREGNANT stomach.
111. Okay I guess we are back at Litchfield again.
112. Cindy is such a boss ass bitch with all of this conversion business. You go girl.
113. Lol at that Rabbi, he's just like "Who is dis bish and why does she want to be jewish?" Then he's probably like "I am currently sitting in a prison with someone who wants to convert to my religion. This is definitely not what I expected to be doing with my liberal arts & sciences 4-year biology degree."
114. Yup, here we go. Another flashback. Young Cindy is adorable.
115. Aaaaannnnndddddd we're back at Litchfield again.
116. So apparently Morello was not imagining that whole marriage thing.
117. And there is definitely an attraction between Red and Healy. No doubt.
118. Piper's brother is possibly the most underrated character on the show.
119. The fact that Piper's tattoo says "Trust No Bitch" makes me even more obsessed with Ruby Rose, I mean Stella, the ultimate badass.
120. This show teaches its viewers valuable life lessons, especially ones about how to survive in prison. You know, very relatable.
121. Piper telling her brother "I'm quite gangsta" has about the same level of believability as Kim Kardashian saying she does actual work to earn her money. LOL JOKES.
122. Can we just take a second to think about how actually disgusting this whole used underwear prison company thing is? Like actually. These writers hold nothing back. I'm still watching the show though, aren't I? This show makes me question my morals, or lack thereof. Whatever.
123. FLACA YOU MANIPULATIVE GENIUS BISH WHY WOULD YOU TAKE PIPER'S MONEY???
124. Dumb question.
125. Why is Poussey taking out her anger about Soso on innocent Norma?
126. Please just talk, Norma. PLEASE.
127. POUSSEY I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST THREW TOAST NORMA ON THE FLOOR. TRAITOR.
128. Ugh. Coates, you are a despicable excuse of a man. Doing it under an overpass? Really? No thanks.
129. Lol Pennsatucky with the "lady time" excuse. You go girl.
130. OH MY NORMA WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU PENNSUTUCKY? oh my GOD IS SHE HAVING A SIEZURE? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?
131. Okay wow. That was probably THE WORST TIME TO CHANGE SCENES, JENJI.
132. Still can't believe this Caputo and Fig thing. Pennsatucky just died probably and now we have to watch these two go at it. I don't know how much more we can take.
133. Wow, he really just called Fig a "dead-eyed, anorexic crone." Caputo, you really know how to give compliments. I can't believe you are single.
134. Caputo's mustache should have its own twitter account.
135. There has not been enough Ruby Rose in this extra long episode. An extra long episode should mean extra Ruby Rose.
136. This silent banishment of Leanne by Norma may be the most emotional scene the world has ever watched.
137. Walk away, Leanne. Just walk away.
138. OMN. Pennsatucky acted out her entire seizure episode?!? That was not fair to all of the viewers at home, Jenji.
139. Oh no. Poor Maritza.
140. Wait who is this other girl who just got electrocuted in YET ANOTHER BACKSTORY?
141. Last name is Black…Black…okay yeah that must be Big Boo.
142. So that's all for that backstory I guess.
143. Ruby Rose…er…Stella…IS BACK FOLKS.
144. Wait.
145. OMN.
146. STELLA STOLE PIPER'S FUNDS?!?
147. Stella, is this true?
148. Well I guess that's the end of THAT blossoming romance.
149. Felonious Spunk never had a chance, Piper. You are running a criminal business from INSIDE A PRISON for crying out loud.
150. Okay, Lorna and Vince (that's his name, right?) really do seem perfect for each other. Nothing like a classic prison wedding to kick off a strong marriage.
151. Lorna Muccio. Sounds nice.
152. Yup his name is Vincent Muccio.
153. LOL O'Neill and his blue Kodak disposable camera. Haven't seen one of those since 1992.
154. I saw that "gazing into each other's eyes" thing, Healy and Red. Nothing gets past this girl.
155. Oh wow. Lorna and Vince are really going at it on the vending machine. Okay cool. Don't hold anything back it's not like the world is watching you. I too have often dreamed about my honeymoon location being in a public, federal prison setting where snacks are present.
156. Another backstory…Healy this time?
157. Oh great, more puke.
158. The sex and violence is fine, but vomit? Really Jenji? I thought you would at least try to keep things somewhat classy.
159. I guess we are back at Litchfield now.
160. Ruby Rose is back.
161. Be still, my heart.
162. So, obviously, Piper has forgiven Stella as evident by their makeout sesh.
163. Uh-oh. Maybe not.
164. Guard sighting.
165. Sure guards, search all you want. Stella doesn't have anything. She's getting out in two days, remember?
166. OH SNAP. THAT REALLY ISN'T STELLA'S STUFF. THAT'S NOT HER CHICKEN WING OR JOLLY RANCHER SHANK OR HER CIGARETTES.
167. PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER TO MAX!!!!!!!!
168. This can only mean one thing.
169. Piper.
170. I can't believe she would do that to Stella.
171. Actually I can, because she's a psychopath.
172. Stella trusted a bitch (Piper) and now she's going to max. She didn't even follow her own motto.
173. Piper must really not want anybody to like her. We'll see how that goes for her during the rest of her time in prison.
174. At least this means Ruby Rose will be coming back for season 4, right? RIGHT?!?
175. But actually that doesn't mean anything. We haven't seen Nicky since like episode 2.
176. I feel a Caputo character shift coming on in this meeting.
177. Yup, he's an asshole.
178. "The Year of Caputo" sounds like it could be a blockbuster film title starring Sylvester Stallone or something.
179. Man. That disgusted snort that O'Niell just gave Caputo was intimidating.
180. Alex has been left unattended in the greenhouse.
181. I REPEAT.
182. ALEX HAS BEEN LEFT UNNATTENDED IN THE GREENHOUSE.
183. Oh shoot.
184. Oh.
185. Shoot.
186. That's one of Kubra's men, isn't it. And he's now a guard at Litchfield? WHAT?
187. I don't know what it is that he has to do that she doesn't seem to think he needs to do, but I'm assuming it isn't good.
188. Bye Alex, it was nice knowin' ya.
189. Okay, Katia, you've got to stop with the mixed signals. You can't just tell a man you want to move out and that you essentially don't love him, to then sending him Lasagna Classico from The OG!!!!!
190. WHAT ABOUT RED, SAMUEL HEALY???
191. Healy's like, "well, I could be with a sultry Russian woman who truly cares about me and has feeling for me…but on the other hand, you can't beat lasagna classico. The OG is where it's at, yo."
192. Who is this guy knocking on Cesar's door?
193. OMN it's probably Bennett coming back for his baby!!!
194. Nope, just kidding, apparently he is another Cesar. Haha how funny! What a coincidence!
195. Nope, just kidding again, he's with the DEA! Cool. This is great news for Daya and her baby!
196. Piper giving herself an infinite tattoo proves that she has officially gone insane.
197. Or that she is a boss.
198. Or both.
199. LOL, Judy King is back!
200. Dang, she doesn't mess around. This lady is all business.
201. Where are all the prison people at her assigned prison?
202. Oh snap…I think I know what this means…LITCHFIELD?
203. Red is not going to like this. Another cook in the kitchen, and a famous one at that.
204. Now let me ask one question. What would ever lead a person to believe that removing the chain-linked fencing surrounding a prison field – where there are currently inmates in said field – is in any way shape or form a good idea?
205. There can only be one explanation: Norma is truly a miracle worker.
206. "Look, let's just be free for a second. It's going to be the last time in a long time." YAS POUSSEY. FLY AWAY LITTLE BIRDS. FREE YOURSELF FROM CONFINEMENT.
207."Oh Shit" is right, you dumb fence worker person man!
208. Someone is going to get hit by the workers' truck. This can't end perfectly for everyone. It's OITNB.
209. It's going to be Crazy Eyes.
210. Lol jk. The truck is just casually parked by the fence. Not even in drive.
211. Luschek is just like "lol nah fam imma just stay inside and let everyone else deal with the hundreds of inmates that are currently escaping" while Gerber Guard is actually trying to stop them LOL.
212. Wait but they can't even go anywhere because there's a random lake behind the prison.
213. They could try to swim I guess.
214. Is Crazy Eyes drowning in that lake??
215. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GO IN AND GET HER???
216. Nevermind she's just fine.
217. SO MUCH FEMALE EMPOWERMENT RIGHT NOW. MANY HAPPY.
218. It would be so great if the season ended with this.
219. But there's still 10 minutes left so that's not going to happen.
220. All this hugging and playful splashing and water shenanigans is all a hoax.
221. Piper is missing all of this right now, sucks to suck. I hope that tattoo was worth giving up your FREEDOM.
222. Awwwww Poussey and Soso? I could roll with that.
223. Poor Daya has no idea what is going on with her baby.
224. This moment with her and her mom is pretty touching, though.
225. Why haven't any guards tried to round all of them back up yet? They've been out there for a good 10 minutes, probably longer.
226. The beauty of this whole scene is that they are not even trying to escape. They all know they will be punished for this, yet they still do it anyway. Tissues, please :,)
227. Lol Taystee, you can't forget about that hair of yours. Gotta wrap that up before you go into the water.
228. Aw, Soso is finally being accepted into a group of people :,) Pardon me while I grab a tissue or twenty.
229. From all of us to you – Mazel Tov, Cindy.
230. Norma has never looked so regal, sitting atop of that dock like Daenerys Targaryen atop her dragons.
231. Wow…only 3 minutes left and everyone is still happy and nothing has gone wrong yet. Maybe this really will end well…
232. Looks like all of the new bunks are being moved into Litchfield. Could this day get any better?
233. Wait, yeah, Ruby Rose could be celebrating with the rest of the inmates.
234. But she isn't.
235. Because PipER SENT HER TO MAX.
236. So many noobs walking into Litchfield. If they only knew…
237. WAIT WHAT?
238. THAT'S IT?
239. SERIOUSLY?
240. What am I supposed to do with my life now? I don't remember how the world functions outside of Litchfield Penitentiary...
241.How am I supposed to wait until NEXT JUNE for season 4 :(
242. I guess I could rewatch all three seasons.
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