10 Things That Are Only Okay When I Do Them

A hypocrite lives in all of us.

1. PDA

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I guess I just do it better and more tastefully than everyone else because I see absolutely no problem with making out with my boyfriend at the movies.

But that lip-smacking sound is just so crude, so watch your saliva or I will heckle and possibly throw popcorn.

2. Call my sister a tramp

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You can bet that I've insulted my sister in every way possible before she got out the front door of the house, but I pity the next person who dares to say even one negative thing to her.

3. Get sloppy at the bar

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Sometimes I need to let off some steam, dress inappropriately, and get drunk on blue raspberry jello shots. Anyone else who tries that is most likely a skank and I hate them.

4. Make noise in a movie theater

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Movie theater snacks should really be redesigned. Why would you put the loudest material around snacks intended for a silent environment? Sometimes I think if I open them really slowly that it'll mask the sound, but in reality it just draws it out for those long, painful seconds.

That said, either eat your popcorn quietly or not at all. Why, for god's sake, do you need to rummage in a tub full of identical pieces? Rude.

5. Have sex on the first date

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Sure "manluvin234" and I met on OKCupid and yeah, maybe he didn't have a helmet for me to wear on his moped, but I really needed this.

Anyone else is probably going to hell.

6. Move someone else's laundry

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No, I don't WANT to touch your delicates, but if you insist on leaving them in the only open dryer for ten years, then yes, I will be forced to remove them.

Real talk though, if I find my wet towels on the top of some dryer again, I'm going to have to strangle someone with them.

7. Leave dirty dishes in the sink

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Just because my pot of macaroni and cheese remnants needs to soak for three days before I even want to think about picking up a sponge doesn't mean you can leave your cereal bowl in the sink with it. Common courtesy, jeez.

8. Be my best friend's best friend

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Sharing is not caring. Sharing is trying to split friendship necklaces three ways and I'm not about that life.

9. Joke about my physical appearance

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Since when did "You look tired!" become something acceptable to say? When was looking tired ever a good thing? I don't care if I go on an hour-long rant about the epic fight I had with my curling iron, do not even hint at the bags underneath my eyes or may be you should pack yours and leave the building.

10. Sext

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Except Jennifer Lawrence, she is a goddess and perfection in human form, so she can do whatever she wants.