1.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains? "Actually that's a myth-" This part is useless *stabs fork in head* See? Now florble arble guh
2.
Person: *treats me kindly and actually wants to spend time with me brain: they have an ulterior motive Me: what brain: they hate you
3.
I keep forgetting Trump has children. I think it's because my brain links them to 'Trump had sex' and deletes the memory for self defence
4.
When your therapist asks you to find the root of all your anxieties:
5.
I have a nightmare of a future in which people only talk in 'neuroscience' terms. "Hello, how's your brain?" "Pretty well activated, yours?"
6.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can't get the smell out of my hair
7.
Had a brainstorm, 32 neurons dead, 104 missing.
8.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
9.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to a waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."
10.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
11.
Don't look at phone in bed it messes up circadian rhythms. Make sure you lie in the dark thinking about everything you've ever done wrong.
12.
Why do we believe in stupid evolutionary psychology just-so stories? Because our hunter-gather ancestors killed anyone who thought otherwise
13.
[friend asks me to read an article] brain: "am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god" me: [hands it back] "very interesting"
14.
*me, in kitchen* Brain: hey your hand is in the garbage disposal so how about some related horror movie scenes Me: NO. Brain: bzzzzzzzzzzzzz
15.
Somewhere in the brain, a fantastic pirate treasure lies buried. This is why neuroscientists are so interested in brain mapping.
16.
BRAIN: it's 4am u up? ME: leave me alone B: who was our grade 5 teacher? M: stop B: why's our eye itchy? M: I'm ignoring u B: engage bladder
17.
stop for a minute n realize ur a 10lb brain piloting a slab of meat