I Finally Watched The First Episode of "Teen Mom," And Now I Understand Why I Wasn't Allowed To Watch This

    There's a lot to unpack here.

    Kelly Martinez
    by Kelly Martinez

    BuzzFeed Staff

    You may remember a little 2009 reality show called Teen Mom.

    MTV

    I was unfortunately not allowed to watch it, probably due to being in seventh grade at the time.

    Nickelodeon

    Now that I am officially an adult,™ I decided to watch the first episode...and holy crap, guys, there is just SO MUCH to unpack. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on the pilot:

    So, first up we have Farrah, Sophia's mom. Farrah is getting ready for a date with this new guy, Cole, and her mom is taking it veryyy seriously.

    Farrah's mom says this isn't the right situation for Sophia
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    Like, I get that you don't want her dating when she just had a baby...but also, sheesh, they're just getting ice cream.

    Next up we have Catelynn, who placed her baby for adoption. Now she's at the doctor's getting an IUD and I...I don't really know why her boyfriend Tyler is here...

    the doctor asks if they use protection, they just sit there in silence for a moment
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    Again...why exactly is her boyfriend here?

    Tyler makes a face as the doctor explains the IUD
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    Then there's Maci. She's engaged to her baby's father, Ryan, but literally, neither of them looks happy about it. Like, seriously, I'm not even sure they like each other.

    photo of Maci and Ryan captioned "I do" crossed out and replaced with "do I?" over Maci's head
    MTV

    And finally, there's Amber and Gary and their daughter, Leah. They seem to have a tumultuous relationship, to say the least.

    a picture of Amber and Gary ripped up and labeled "I heart Gary" with several tears and the heart crossed out and drawn again
    MTV

    Okay, back to Farrah! It's time for her date with Cole — is it just me or does he look a LOT like a young Liam Hemsworth?

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    We're 30 seconds into this date and I already wanna throw my shoe at the TV.

    Cole says he's studying to become an optometrist and Farrah asks what that means
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    I...I can't handle this, guys.

    Cole tells Farrah she's gorgeous, she replies "I know"
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    Okay, now it's back to Catelynn and Tyler and— HANG ON. Did Catelynn just say that her mom is married to Tyler's dad??

    MTV

    Why is Amber so shocked that babies cry a lot?

    Amber complains that Leah always cries when they go out
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    Oh man, now Cole is meeting Farrah's parents. TBH, if someone's mom grilled me about my entire relationship history like this, I think I would simply just get up and leave.

    Farrah's mom asks Cole how many relationships he's been in and why they broke up
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    I truly do not have the words to describe how awkward this is. Emily Gilmore would be easier to meet.

    Farrah's mom tells Cole she "won't go for being ruled by your crotch" and says they believe in abstinence
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    Farrah's mom just invited Cole to church and said she would love it if he went to heaven with them. I am not making this up.

    Wait, so Maci and Ryan are supposed be getting married in less than two months, they haven't done any wedding planning, AND Ryan is leaving for work for a month? I don't even know these people and I'm stressed for them!

    MTV

    Well, things went south for Farrah and Cole pretty quickly. Apparently a girl messaged her and said that Cole spent the night at her house recently...seems sketch. So now Farrah is driving two hours to go confront him.

    Farrah asks Cole if he knows a girl named Tara and he responds, "You mean Tina?"
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    Couldn't you, like, do this over the phone? Also, Cole, that is NOT the proper response in this situation.

    OMG, Farrah just straight-up called this girl and asked if she and Cole hooked up. Oop...

    Farrah calls and asks Tina if Cole stayed at her house last Friday
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    Aaaand Farrah and her friends just stormed out of the restaurant. Welp, that didn't last long.

    Farrah and her friends: "we are NEVER coming back here again"
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    I mean yeah, you live two hours away, so why would you come back to this restaurant?

    Wow, that first episode was a LOT to take in. If I'm gonna get through the rest of this season, I think I'm going to need a glass of wine...or three.

    "I feel like binge-watching a TV series until my eyeballs fall out of my head"
    TeenNick

    UPDATE

    This post has been updated to meet BuzzFeed's editorial standards.