75 Thoughts I Had While Watching "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"
1. Oh, shit. Oh. The blue font.
2. Oh, shit. Oh. The crawl.
3. I'm officially leaking from every orifice of my body.
4. Luke ghosted?! Ghosting is a thing in every galaxy, I guess.
5. STAR DESTROYER! This got ominous real fast.
6. BB-8! I'm already so concerned for your well-being, you adorable sphere.
7. Gotta start things off with an old white dude in a brown robe. Hello, Obi-Wan's twin.
8. Helloooo, Poe Dameron.
9. I can already feel I'll spend most of this movie deathly afraid for BB-8.
10. Is it wrong that I'm more attracted to Kylo Ren than I am Poe Dameron?
11. What does that say about me, psychologically?
12. WOAH, HOW DO YOU STOP A BLASTER MID-AIR?
13. Ahh, Captain Phasma, AKA Disco Stormtrooper.
14. There it is. The lowercase "t" lightsaber.
15. Why did that Stormtrooper mark the other Stormtrooper with blood like Rafiki did to Simba in The Lion King?
16. Oh, that John Williams score. We're home.
17. Was that a little doll of Luke in his flight uniform sitting in Rey's hut?
18. Is that Luke's helmet?! Does Rey have Luke's helmet?
19. I would pay big money to live in an abandoned AT-AT. Big money.
20. OK, Rey is totally Luke's daughter.
21. YOU LET BB-8 OUT OF THAT NET. HE IS A PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL AND WE DON'T DESERVE HIM.
22. Can Kylo Ren read minds?
23. Imagine the sexual possibilities.
24. What the hell is wrong with me?
25. Ahh, John Boyega is the Simba Stormtrooper. One day he will be king.
26. Nothing can tie a TIE fighter down! Haha. Kill me.
27. General Hux, why do you always look like you just smelled a fart?
28. General Hux, why is the air between you and Kylo Ren always thick with sexual tension?
29. Garbage, hunk of junk, the Millennium Falcon gets no respect.
30. I bet Kylo Ren gets hangry. I bet he's the hangriest.
31. CHEWIE AND HAN. I am, again, officially leaking from every orifice of my body.
32. Rey, don't be such a townie. Just leave Jakku for good.
33. Supreme Leader Snoke is literally a hologram.
34. I do not understand how a hologram can wield so much authority.
35. Could you not just...turn off the projector? War over.
36. OH GOD HAN IS HIS FATHER.
37. FIND THE PROJECTOR. TURN THE BAD HOLOGRAM OFF. MAKE THIS STOP.
38. HAN SOLO CREATED A SITH LORD.
39. Rey must be his sister. Twins, just like Luke and Leia.
40. Han would only ever entrust the Falcon to family.
41. Look at the way Han looks at Rey. She has to be his daughter.
42. Maz Kanata, so wise and charming, and so similar in appearance to a dried apricot.
43. OK, but maybe Rey is Luke's daughter, because she just touched the lightsaber and had that Dagobah-level flashback...
44. Is the only decoration in Kylo Ren's room Vader's melted helmet?
45. I could work around it, we could definitely make a relationship work.
46. Is Vader's head still in there? Luke cremated him, but...
47. I could work around it, we could definitely make a relationship work.
48. It's very difficult to accept that Bill Weasley is the new space Hitler.
49. Congratulations to Finn, the first Stormtrooper in history to ever successfully hit a target.
50. The deep, dark, secret part of me wishes they'd brought back Leia's iconic buns.
51. I'm not sure my heart can handle R2-D2 and BB-8 in the same room. The cute would be too much.
52. HELLO, KYLO REN'S FACE. Wow, good face.
53. OH HELL YES, REY MIND-INVADED HIM. This is some Occlumency-level shit!
54. I really do ship Rey and Finn, but I ship Kylo Ren and General Hux more.
55. Han, no. Stay hidden. I know what's coming.
56. Ben?! As in BEN KENOBI? Oh, that sucks.
58. Well, Luke fell off the bridge and survived, right? Right.
59. Leia knew. My heart is broken.
60. YES, FINN. PICK UP THE LIGHTSABER.
61. SHIT, FINN. WHY DID YOU PICK UP THE LIGHTSABER?
62. YES, REY. PICK UP THE LIGHTSABER. SHOW HIM THE WAYS OF THE FORCE.
63. If Rey and Kylo Ren are siblings, this is some serious sibling rivalry.
64. Did she cut his face?! Is his face cut?! He's becoming Vader.
65. Luke? LUUUUUKE.
66. Is a Jedi's beard length directly proportional to his emotional distress?
67. How long has he just been standing on this mountaintop?
68. What has he been eating on this tiny, desolate island?
69. How has he kept his beard so trim? LUKE, ANSWER ME.
70. Take it, Luke. Take the lightsaber. LUKE. COME ON.
71. That's it? THAT'S IT?
72. But who are Rey's parents?! NOOOOOOO.
73. COME BACK. MORE. MOOOOAR.
74. Also, can we get an Oscar nomination for BB-8?
75. Alright, let's all go to sleep until 2017. Then we'll wake up for Episode 8.