Dear NASA in general,
For the past year and a half the Curiosity rover that you believed was on Mars has been analyzing rocks and investigating the climate of my backyard. I want to make it clear from the get-go, this is not the rover's fault. I live in Arizona, a state that prides itself on its resemblance to the red planet, and ever since the rover landed near my ranch, I've tried my best to convince the rover that it was on Mars like it wanted.
I didn't want the rover or you guys at NASA to get in trouble over a slight mishap. I figured if word got out that your 400 million dollar mission landed a rover just outside of Phoenix instead of on another planet, your funding would be severely cut. Perhaps cut so much that it went into the negatives and you'd owe the government money, and that's just not fair. You guys get enough guff about not finding aliens and wasting your time creating memory foam mattresses.
I know you think Curiosity has been researching the area near Mars' Gale crater, but really it's just been driving around a small penned in area whose walls are plastered with pictures of martian landscapes I found on your website (great site, by the way). I had a few hours after it landed but before its cameras went online to dash off to Kinko's to create the pen. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask to be refunded the $54 it cost to print the pictures.
I figured the rover would have a tracking device that would quickly reveal its true location, so I sprayed its biggest antenna with a hose. I guess that worked, or you thought the tracker was malfunctioning. I hope you didn't fire anyone over that. If so, please rehire him or her. Also, I'm sorry, but that's why you found recent evidence on water on "Mars."
My neighbors did happen to see the rover right after its rather loud landing, but I quickly made up a story about how I was building a BattleBot in the hopes that the TV show would be rebooted. The ease at which they believed me leads me to think I'm the weird guy in the neighborhood. But, hey, I still get trick-or-treaters.
I honestly wanted to keep up the charade for as long as the mission lasted, but the excitement regarding the rover's findings that the geology and atmosphere of Mars is essentially the same as Earth's, specifically that of the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, has forced me to reveal the truth. Sure, all of your published discoveries about my backyard's soil content greatly benefited my herb garden, but I can't have NASA sending astronauts to Mars expecting them to be able to live and breathe normally like on Earth. They'd die and I don't want astronaut blood on my hands. That's the thing I want the least. Also, I'm trying to sell my ranch and the fact that I have a mysterious pen in the backyard is hurting my chances. I say it's a pool shed, but people get suspicious since I don't have a pool. I suppose you could buy me a pool, but that'd only solve the problem temporarily.
I think the best thing to do would have you come down and pick up the rover, preferably before next Tuesday when my real estate agent wants to hold an open house. Maybe then you could secretly send it to the actual planet Mars? I feel bad for the poor rover. It was made to be on Mars. Right now it's out of place, like a toaster on a planet without bread. Can you imagine? But look at me talking about what you scientists should do. You're one the ones who work for NASA. I just make bulletproof vests for dogs.
I hope this letter gets to who it needs to get to. To prove this is not some silly prank, attached is a picture of the rover's playpen and the receipt from Kinko's, but once again I don't expect to be refunded the $54. You guys at NASA are doing a great job, so don't let this uncharacteristic shortcoming get you down. Nobody makes mattresses like you guys.
Yours truly,
Clayton Carlisle
P.S. If anyone at NASA is looking for a reasonably priced ranch house near Phoenix, bring them when you pick up the rover. It currently has no pool.
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