1. Denial
I'm sitting in a Chipotle with a friend. I am lovingly getting to know my burrito. The sun is shining for the first time in a month. I've had a Beyonce song stuck in my head for three hours. Things are going pretty great. And then my friend says the worst thing he could possibly say:
"Oh! I heard the craziest bear story the other day."
I freeze. A bear story?? Bear stories are terrifying! I can't hear a bear story right now! Not in front of my burrito!
I do the only thing my burrito home- I mean, my body, can do. I deny this is happening.
So I look my friend in the eye and calmly say: "Oh, you DO have the best jacket on today!"
He is understandably confused at this sudden change of topic. But his confusion does not deter him, the composed sonofabitch. Instead, he laughs and continues with his story. I proceed to the next stage.
2. Anger
My friend has just started the exposition of the story and I know there is no way out. He is going to tell me a story wherein a bear creates a terrifying conflict and I know I'm a goner. Cue sudden, intense anger.
I bite ferociously into my burrito, avoiding eye contact. I internally yell "Why God! Why! Is this because I accidentally stole that water bottle from the deli?? I didn't know it was in my hand, I swear! It was such a blur! I don't deserve this! There has to be something else I can do to repent! Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!!!"
My friend has finished setting up the story. I look at him, my previously blue eyes now jet black. He proceeds with his terrifying tale and I enter stage three.
3. Panic
My friend is heading into the meat of his story. And I am in full on panic mode. I know I'm about to hear a bear do something scary probably and my burrito temple- I mean, my body, is freaking out. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing. I look to the door.
Will my friend notice if I run out screaming? Maybe, but maybe not! Maybe he'll be so into his bear story that he won't notice me yelling "have mercy!!!!" with a mouth full of burrito and then sprinting out the door into a better world.
But he also might notice. He can be very perceptive. So onto stage four.
4. Insanity
I am trapped. I now know I am trapped. But I am also a reasonable, capable adult. I've been in hopeless situations before. Like that time my plastic knife broke while scooping out peanut butter from the jar.
But I am only human. And before I know it, I am laughing like a crazy person. I have no other options but to face the reality in front of me and that makes me react with uncontrollable, delirious laughter. I am basically a cross between an evil villain and Pete Holmes on his podcast.
My friend is now very, very confused. And who could blame him? He just wanted to share this cool story with me, like humans often do. Is it so much to ask that I just listen politely, despite the nightmares I will suffer for months to come?
OF COURSE IT IS SO MUCH TO ASK.
But, I do have some sympathy for my friend. So, much like when faced with the broken knife incident of 2014, I went onto stage five.
5. Acceptance
I take a deep breath. I take another bite of my burrito. I smile because burrito bites make me smile. I summon up strength and remind myself that stories are just stories, and it doesn't mean I'll ever be confronted by a bear.
I am proud of myself. I have grown. I look to my friend and I await the end of his story.
He is almost to the end. And it goes something like:
"And then the bear waved back!!! Isn't that adorable??"
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