Hi, Diana,

Another gif-list letter.

Two Things:

#1 I got an e-mail from Ms. Belinda last, last Monday saying that I'm not on the list of alternates

#2 I didn't feel bad about getting the e-mail.

No, seriously, I'm not upset. I'm not just saying that to convince myself or other people. I really wasn't upset about it. I'm still not. I read that e-mail and thought, "Hmm, okay."

I only started to feel bad later that day, when I started to think about how I didn't go to A&M because of the FASTS program/I just devoted 7+ years of my life to something that isn't working out/I don't know what I'm doing now/this feels like failure/what is even going on anymore?/being pre-med was my life and now it's gone so what am I now?/I feel strangely disconnected from my pre-med friends (everyone)/I feel directionless, and it was only then that I started to feel bummed out.

I'm over it all now, but it still feels weird to be at this place. I mean, I'm okay with it, but it's weird for my life to be so far away from the plan I had for it.

Also, it almost feels like this huge chunk of my life has been invalidated. There's so much of my life - books, decorations, a Pinterest board, my summers in SA, this program, all the people I know, my college classes, HOSA, that CNA program in high school, Med-Ed activities, the Aesculapius painting in my dorm - that revolved around this and now it's gone. It reminds me of that quote, "If who I am is what I have and what I have is gone, then who am I?"

Like I wrote in that first gif-letter last year, I've had doubts about this path for a long time, and, while I was able to abate them, they never quite went away. I figured if I was accepted, I wouldn't be happy with my doubts and fears. If I wasn't accepted, I'd be off my path and directionless. Either way, things looked bleak.

However, when I read that e-mail, I didn't feel upset. I only started to feel stressed later, and I've gotten over it now. Honestly, I feel a bit relieved. If I was accepted, I wouldn't have been at peace with it. I had too many doubts about whether or not I was ready for this in my life. If I had been accepted, I would have gone because it would've felt like the only thing to do and not because I really wanted to. I'm actually content that I didn't get accepted this year. It reminds me of a child who picks a fight with another child and is secretly glad that his mother calls him away; he can leave "because someone made him leave" and not solely because he lacked the strength to leave on his own.

Actually, this is a better running gif.

I don't know if this door is closing forever or if it's going to open in the future, but I'm okay with it being closed now because it's the sort of door that you can't really close once you go through it.

I feel like I need this extra time to step back and . . . grow/reassess/think things through. I feel like I'm not the person I need/want to be, and going to med school may not be the best thing for me now.

It's weird, having this goal for so long and now having such ambiguous feelings towards it. It's medical school - not the sort of thing you want to have doubt in your decision for. During high school (and for about 1/2 of college) it felt like the right thing to do. It was what I wanted to do. It felt like God was opening doors for it to happen.

I don't know if those doors are ever going to open again. Am I going to want this goal again? If not, what else could I do? If this wasn't what I'm supposed to be doing, why didn't God close the doors a long time ago?

I have no idea.

And that's okay.

I know God's got a plan. One of my big problems throughout life has been my control-freak mentality. I'm always making plans about what I want to accomplish. Pretty much, I bound through life ignoring Proverbs 3:5-6. The past year has been one huge exercise in trusting God. Oftentimes, I feel like He's had to pry my fingers off of the things I want. I'm still not where I need to be. Not yet. That's one of the reasons I'm glad I wasn't accepted.

Thankfully, one thing hasn't changed - I still want to get an MPH.

Right now, I'm going to pursue an MPH through online courses from the school of public health in Brownsville (I still haven't decided which concentration - epidemiology or health promotion and community health). I'm going to apply to the graduate certificate program so I can start taking courses in the summer. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I'll finish the program and can start the MPH in the Spring (the certificate courses count as the core).

I'm really looking forward to this! It gives me a direction to go in, and I really do enjoy learning about public health. Also, it gives me more time with my dog at home (human-yorkie study-buddies!!!).

I really am okay with the way things are turning out. I think there are so many ways to look at this negatively ("Why is this happening?""My life is over," etc.,), but I know God has things covered. Even though I really don't know why things are the way they are now, I have a peace I haven't felt in a long time knowing that He's got everything under control.

Maybe I'll reapply to medical school, maybe I won't, maybe I'll become the 21st century Dorothea Dix, maybe I'll move to Africa - who knows at this point?

Whatever it is, I'm okay with it.

Once again, this all felt easier to write down; vocalizing everything is hard - so many thoughts, so little time to organize sentences.

Sincerely,

Kaysey

P.S. Obligatory Supernatural gif section!!!!!! :D :D :D

Not gonna lie . . . I want to see more of Cas in the next season.

Speaking of cats, I found this one that reminded me of Alice's cat.