Recently Reddit user Maxcipher80 asked the community, "What is one thing your parents did to you that you'll never do to your children?"
People didn't hold anything back and revealed some of the pretty toxic things their parents did to them growing up. And because they were so traumatizing, they refused to repeat these behaviors to their own children.
So, here are some disturbing things adults won't ever pass down to their children because of how it affected them as kids:
Note: Some submissions include topics of child abuse. Please proceed with caution.
1. "My parents used my brother and me in their ugly divorce, constantly telling us lies about the other parent so we'd hate the other parent and 'love them more.' I was four when they divorced, so you can imagine the impact. My mother went as far as to wave an unopened letter in front of nine-year-old me saying the letter contained my father trying to strike a deal so he'd get my brother and she'd keep me for a lot of money. She followed it up by saying I should be happy she loved me so much while he didn't. It took 20 years and a few confrontations about this letter for her to admit such a letter never existed."
"So yeah, no matter how much I end up hating my partner, I would never put my children in the middle of that; what happened between me and the father is between me and him. That's still their parent, and they're allowed to love them."
2. "Growing up, my parents often dismissed my emotions, telling me to 'stop being sensitive' whenever I was upset. I’ve vowed never to minimize my children’s feelings."
"My 'favorite' line from [my parents] was always, 'Keep crying and I'm going to give you something to cry about.' Now I cannot talk about my feelings without crying. I would always get in trouble for expressing my emotions.
Even now when trying to communicate with my boyfriend, I will cry and he will immediately get defensive. I constantly have to tell him that I'm not upset, I just cannot control it. Then I get frustrated with myself for crying."
3. "For my entire childhood, I was forced to kiss my grandpa on the lips and sit on his lap before we left his house. This was with the full support of my dad, even though he sexually abused him (along with four of his brothers and sisters). We haven't been in contact for 25 years now, and never once have I ever forced my child to give affection to anyone he didn’t want to."
4. "They never said, 'I love you.' They clothed and fed us, and even helped us financially when they could. But, it would have been nice to hear, 'I love you.' My children will hear it every day. They’ll probably get sick of hearing it."
"My parents stopped saying, 'I love you' at some point — I can't remember what age. My mum will text it, but not say it. I tell my kids every day. My five-year-old said yesterday, 'You don't have to tell me every day. I know you do.' But I said I'd like to anyway, and he said that was fine 🙂."
5. "Expose them to toxic family members. My mom's family was full of them, and she had them over literally every weekend and every holiday. So, I always had to deal with my aunt bullying me and constantly putting me down. It made me very distant from my mom because she didn't protect me from it and would guilt me when I complained or asked her not to have them over. But according to her, if she didn't have them over, my grandparents wouldn't get to see their grandkids because my aunts never visited their parents or took their kids to visit."
6. "I wouldn't share too much and make my kids my therapist. I'm not saying not to share at all, but limit it. I always knew how 'poor' my family was and how much we were struggling. I always knew when my parents were having marital problems and 'bedroom' problems. I know all about the trauma my mom has endured. I was so busy being a therapist for my mom that I never got to learn to process my own stuff. This has led to a big problem in my relationship with my mom years later. Now, if my mom tries venting to me or anything, I literally don't care. I don't want to hear it. I get mad — the entire time I just want her to shut up."
7. "They always acted like nothing was ever wrong. Now, don't get me wrong — my parents are amazing people, and I think they did a great job raising my sisters and me. I really wouldn't change a thing. They bent over backward to make sure our lives were as safe, stable, and comfortable as they possibly could for us. But, [acting like nothing was wrong] taught all three of us a very wrong lesson, 'Adults don't have problems. If they do, they have failed.' They didn't mean to do this and they meant well. I don't have children of my own, but if I did, I'd do it a bit differently."
8. "I never got 'the sex talk' from my mom. All of my older sisters were teen moms, and thank god one of them gave it to me. I still wish it was my mom, though, due to the history of my sisters. And then I overheard her talking to my boyfriend's mom, criticizing me for being on birth control. I still will never understand why. When I asked, she just swept it under the rug."
9. "My parents turned every single one of my opportunities down for me, and now they complain that I haven't 'purchased property' yet. Well, no shit: You turned down all the opportunities for me since I was five years old. They literally called in and turned ALL of these down over 20 times: Free private school, a LOT of job opportunities and paid fellowships when I was in my teens, and a mentorship from a top-notch lawyer (I was scouted through my school). I would never do that to anyone, not just my children. I don't want anyone to create failure for them like this."
10. "My parents 'stayed together for the kids,' which was way worse for us than if they’d just gotten a divorce. I would never stay with a spouse just 'for the kids.' The mental toll constant fighting parents takes on a developing brain is severe."
11. "I got a call from one of my parents on my 18th birthday and after the obligational 'Happy Birthday,' I was informed that I was now 'on my own.' I’m not saying my parents are required to provide for me until I die, but that hurt so much because I was already in college, hours away from everyone I knew, and I already felt alone."
"I've made it very clear to my kids, 'You can always come back home. We are here to love and support you until we're gone.' 35 and going through a divorce? Come home. Lost a job/house/car? Come home. Are you a person addicted to drugs and are working towards becoming sober? Come home."
12. "Smoke while [my kids are] in the room or in the car. It's probably not surprising I am a non-smoker anyway."
"I was in the car with my father once and had been diagnosed with a nasty case of bronchitis the day before while also having asthma. He decided he couldn’t hold off on having a cigarette any longer and told me, 'I’m sorry, I need this. You’ll be okay if we just roll down a window, right?'"
13. "My mom would often compare me to my cousins. I struggled in math, and according to my mom, that was 'the end of the world.' She would compare me to them with my struggle in the subject, including comparing me to them by my appearance. She often said, 'Why can't you be like your cousins? They don't struggle in math.' I'm now 26, and it still upsets me, and I promised myself that if I have children I would never compare them to a family member or friend."
14. "My mom was great growing up EXCEPT for making us sit at the table until we ate all our food. If we did not, we were punished. I understand her parents went through The Great Depression, so I don't hold this against her. But, as a parent, my dinner rules are completely different. I refuse to argue about food — period. Mealtime should be calm, family time. If that means I throw on a grilled cheese or something for a child who didn't like what I was cooking, fine. It takes maybe five extra minutes. Our lives were so busy when the kids were young that I made sure dinnertime was peaceful."
15. "Saying, 'I love you, but I don't like you.' I make sure my kids know they are loved and appreciated every day, even when things get difficult."
"I'm not sure [my parents even realize they do this]. Growing up, I caused the least amount of trouble (the worst was not doing my homework), but I'm different enough from my siblings that I'm bottom rung."
16. And finally, "I was raised in a more traditional household growing up. As a man, I was taught certain values, some of which I now know weren’t any good at all. I was bullied pretty extensively as a kid. I would frequently come home crying after a good day’s worth of getting picked on. Eventually, my dad’s approach to this became telling me that I was getting bullied because I was too easy to bully and too sensitive. I was crying too much, and my bullies were having such an easy time getting that satisfaction out of me that they kept 'coming back for more.' My dad was essentially teaching me, 'Boys don’t cry.' 10-year-old me took this entirely too hard. I stuffed my emotions way down and felt a lot less. To nobody’s surprise, the bullying didn’t stop, and I just stopped talking about how it made me feel."
"My dad apologized profusely later in my young adulthood for this and said this is something he would change about my upbringing. The result is still set, though, in that I’m one of those guys who has approximately two emotions: calm or angry.
Truthfully, though, this isn’t something I’m ready to change about myself. I have a strong sense of 'right' and 'wrong' that doesn’t constantly get clouded by emotions (though I know I can be stubborn and get angry to my own detriment).
I’d consider myself a sort of 'modern man' — no anti-gayness or misogyny. At least, I hope my bisexual spouse (who is a woman and a feminist) would agree with that statement.
Still, this is not a lesson I would wish for my children if we had any. I think it’s important to be in tune with your emotions, but the distance has worked for me personally."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.