Reddit user u/meeeeeeeeeeeeesh asked the sex therapists of the community: "What do you wish more people knew, and what are some of the most obscure things people have come to you with?" Well, they didn't hold anything back, and shared some pretty revealing secrets.
So, here are some truly eye-opening secrets from sex therapists:
Note: Some stories were pulled from this Reddit thread by user u/HalcyonHysteria.
Warning: This post includes topics of sexual trauma. Please proceed with caution.
1. "A lot of problems couples have in bed result from unrealistic ideas about how 'good sex' should be. For example, there was this one guy who told me he suffered from premature ejaculation. He was afraid that his girlfriend (who he was dating for about two months) would leave him because of it. He was pretty reluctant about details, so I started questioning him about previous relationships. I was pretty surprised that he never considered his stamina a problem before, so I talked to his girlfriend. When I asked her how long her boyfriend would last, she told me in an embarrassed and desperate manner: 'You know, he always finishes after only 25 minutes or so.' So, in that case, a little sex ed did the trick."
2. "For couples with mismatched sex drives (which is the majority of couples), ask yourself whether or not when you really get things going, you enjoy having sex. If the answer is yes, remind yourself of that when your partner makes advances. In a lot of cases, you will find that you don’t want to start having sex — not that you don’t want to be having sex."
3. "I'm a marriage and family therapist who specializes in sexual and LGBTQ+ issues. The first thing I tell many clients (and this is true about every relationship, be it partner/partner, parent/child, friend/friend, etc.) is that a lot of future issues can be spared if you take the time to communicate your expectations of one another. This is especially true (and hardest to do) regarding sex. Having expectations doesn't make you selfish or needy — it makes you a person. Sex is a big part of a relationship, and acknowledging its importance doesn't make you shallow. Furthermore, you are setting your partner up for failure and yourself up for disappointment if you are not making your expectations known."
4. "Feeling sexy comes from leaning into 'being sexy,' so scheduled sex today can lead to delightfully spontaneous sex tomorrow. Too many people settle into the cold comfort of a minimally maintained relationship, and let the friendship and sexy side of a relationship wither. Schedule a date to go do something together, agree to a time to have sex, and things usually get better."
"I love scheduled sex. I get to anticipate it all day, and as someone who can take some time to get warmed up, it's really helpful."
5. "I worked with teens — they didn't feel confident standing up for what they wanted or needed from sex. If the guy didn't want to use condoms, they didn't. If the guy wasn't interested in her orgasm, she didn't have one. The girls wanted to have boyfriends, and it seemed like they thought that meant they had to have sex on the guy's terms. I encouraged them to demand respect, and to ask their partner for what they wanted."
6. "A satisfying relationship inside the bedroom starts outside the bedroom. I used to intern with therapists, and they'd always stress the importance of communication. One of the therapists loved The 5 Love Languages (which I believe started as a book), but she'd tell them to take a free quiz online to figure out their 'love language.' So many patients throughout the years would say how learning their 'love language' helped save their relationships. I've personally found it incredibly beneficial as well. If nothing else, it opens the door for communication with your S.O. on what's important and meaningful to you, which can lead to a much more satisfying sexual relationship."
7. "I work in pelvic floor physical rehab. Consider physical health (pelvic muscle weakness and/or tightness) as a thing to overall health. It also isn't 'normal' for there to be pain with/after intercourse (unless that's your thing). Many things can result in this happening, but it's not healthy."
8. "If you feel satisfied during sex, there's nothing wrong with your sex life. Two minutes, 30 minutes — whatever works best for you. We're talking averages (also timing yourself) — I used to swear it was 15–20 minutes. But the actual time? Eight to nine minutes. Sex can distort your perception of time."
9. "It's okay to practice sex, and give each other a break if you 'mess it up.' Starting a sexual encounter doesn't obligate you to finish it. You can't wait to have sex until your wedding night and then expect them to be a 'dynamo' — you can't bully someone into getting an erection or having an orgasm."
10. "Sex is just as mental as it is physical. Be in a good mood with no stress in the back of your mind, have a healthy meal, and focus on arousing thoughts and imagery (consistently) hours before sex (or even longer). This will make your sex life better, whether it's a relationship or a hookup."
11. "I see so many women who struggle in the bedroom with their spouses because of sexual abuse/trauma in their past. I know men experience sexual trauma as well, but they just aren't a large part of my clientele. Once you educate both parties how trauma like that affects you physically and mentally, you really start to see some growth."
12. "Everyone needs to learn about 'sexual concordance.' What a body does, and how you feel/think about it, are often two different things. Understanding how sexual concordance happens is probably the single-greatest gift you can give yourself and your future/current partners. Generally, for men, they tend to be more sexually concordant than women. Generally, women are not quite as sexually concordant as men. For many people, a 'sexy situation' doesn't always equal arousal. Sometimes, for men and women, something that shouldn't (for whatever reason) be arousing is, and vice versa."
13. "I'm a therapist specializing in gender and sexuality, and I work with adolescents and families (though I've worked with all ages). One of the things I wish everyone knew (particularly young people and their parents) is that it's okay for your identity to grow and change as you grow and change. You can identify as gay now and later start identifying as bisexual. Lesbian might make more sense right now — and even if you later feel that something else describes you better in the future, that doesn't mean any of your feelings then or now are illegitimate (or that changing a 'label' makes you a 'liar'). Your attractions, sex drive, and body image can change (though usually not drastically) as you age. That's fine. Roll with it."
14. "Sex isn't only about penetration. Try focusing on what makes both of you feel good — the old cliché of 'it's the journey, not the destination' is really useful when it comes to sex."
15. And: "I'm a sexual health counselor. The best sex toys are either high-grade silicone, glass, or surgical steel (the latter two are also great for temperature play). Any of these three can be washed in the dishwasher. Also, as romantic as it sounds, never sleep inside your partner/have your partner sleep inside of you if you're using a condom. Between shifting and shrinking, all that semen will have a nice easy opportunity to work its way up the sides of the rubber."
Note: Some stories have been edited for length and/or clarity.