Reddit user u/meeeeeeeeeeeeesh asked sex therapists of the community: "What do you wish more people knew, and what are some of the most obscure things people have come to you with?"
Well, they didn't hold anything back, and shared some juicy secrets I'm 99.9% sure folks don't know about.
So, here are some truly eye-opening secrets from sex therapists:
Note: Some stories were pulled from this Reddit thread by user u/HalcyonHysteria.
Warning: This post includes topics of sexual trauma. Please proceed with caution.
1. "In my sex therapy practice, I specialize in kink-aware counseling. You’d be surprised how many partners/spouses react negatively to their partner expressing an interest in BDSM. The stigma around sensory exchange (my preferred term for SM play) is huge. DS is only slightly better...the bias tends to be toward 'low self-esteem' as opposed to 'broken, traumatized person.' But neither mindsets are useful or accurate. I help people understand what and why people identify as kinky, and help people find common ground between 'vanilla' vs. BDSM in their relationships. BDSM doesn’t equate to abuse or domestic violence or imply a traumatic history."
2. "It's okay to practice sex, and give each other a break if you 'mess it up.' Starting a sexual encounter doesn't obligate you to finish it. You can't wait to have sex until your wedding night and then expect them to be a 'dynamo' — you can't bully someone into getting an erection or having an orgasm."
3. "Both men and women (in talking about and beginning things regarding intimacy) require emotional bits — not just women. This is a common misconception and can lead to some problems. If a loving, kind, supportive, and communicative relationship is the foundation, sex is going to be much easier, comfortable, and open. Communication is always key, and when it isn't, there's usually some deep-seated problem that needs to be mended (or at least addressed) before a couple can move into a flourishing sexual partnership."
"Dry spells can become cycles. Meaning, if a couple stops having sex because the husband becomes less emotionally available (as an example — a common one), a great fix for this can be sexual intimacy.
But on the other side, if problems aren't taken care of, a sexual relationship can be a Band-Aid when surgery was needed."
4. "A lot of older men come in requesting Viagra because they want to start dating again. Some of them have lost their wives, and some of them have had recent divorces. These men haven't been able to achieve an erection in quite some time. They get nervous when their friends set them up on dates because they believe these new women will not find their impotence attractive. So, they think Viagra is the answer. I always inform them of the side effects and tell them to take it easy at first if they aren't used to having sex. Regardless, at least once a month, it never fails. A man will come back to my office on Monday with his arm in a sling. I ask them, 'Mr. [X], what seems to be the problem?' and they tell me, 'My date didn't show up.'"
5. "Feeling sexy comes from leaning into 'being sexy,' so scheduled sex today can lead to delightfully spontaneous sex tomorrow. Too many people settle into the cold comfort of a minimally maintained relationship, and let the friendship and sexy side of a relationship wither. Schedule a date to go do something together, agree to a time to have sex, and things usually get better."
"I love scheduled sex. I get to anticipate it all day, and as someone who can take some time to get warmed up, it's really helpful."
6. "My professor is a sex therapist, and he said his most common problem is women who were raised super religious. They're taught all their lives that sex is 'evil' and 'dirty,' so they repress their sexuality. But then they get married and are expected to suddenly become 'nymphos' overnight for their husbands, but it just doesn't work like that."
7. "Sexual dysfunctions (like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, etc.) are the most common problems. The standard treatment for these (if the cause of the problem is not biological) is sort of a 'reprogramming' of the couples' sexuality. It's called Sensate Focus by Masters & Johnson. The convenient thing about this method is that you can adjust it to almost any sexual dysfunction and every couple's needs. Depending on the dysfunction, specific exercises can be added. For example, the start-and-stop technique for premature ejaculation, dilators for vaginismus, or masturbation training for anorgasmia. One reason why Sensate Focus works really well is that in comparison to other psychological treatments, it's actually pretty fun."
8. "People come in (usually people who never had sex before, or had some form of abuse in the past) who have a fear of sex, and some ideas they had were marinating for years about why it couldn't work with them or why they'd fail. I deal mostly with men with performance anxiety. They are the most frequent patients, and they typically believe they have very severe problems. There are also a lot of older men who are fearful that their sex drive is going away, and it causes undue stress. YES, I can tell that they are genuine, and they are NOT just using me like a prostitute."
9. "Never stick anything in your butt that you can't pull out easily. If something ends up stuck in the butt, don't try to get it out. You'll only push it in deeper (and prepare for a really weird poop). You need to wash your goddamned sex toys, and consider using condoms on them. They'll last longer, and be more hygienic. Never use a silicone-based lube on a sex toy."
"Also, female condoms have improved significantly over the years. They're a lot more comfortable, they cost less, and they give you a lot of control."
10. "Sex is just as mental as it is physical. Be in a good mood with no stress in the back of your mind, have a healthy meal, and focus on arousing thoughts and imagery (consistently) hours before sex (or even longer). This will make your sex life better, whether it's a relationship or a hookup."
11. "I'm a sexual health counselor. The best sex toys are either high-grade silicone, glass, or surgical steel (the latter two are also great for temperature play). Any of these three can be washed in the dishwasher. Also, as romantic as it sounds, never sleep inside your partner/have your partner sleep inside of you if you're using a condom. Between shifting and shrinking, all that semen will have a nice easy opportunity to work its way up the sides of the rubber."
12. "I'm a marriage and family therapist who specializes in sexual and LGBTQ+ issues. The first thing I tell many clients (and this is true about every relationship, be it partner/partner, parent/child, friend/friend, etc.) is that a lot of future issues can be spared if you take the time to communicate your expectations of one another. This is especially true (and hardest to do) regarding sex. Having expectations doesn't make you selfish or needy — it makes you a person. Sex is a big part of a relationship, and acknowledging its importance doesn't make you shallow. Furthermore, you are setting your partner up for failure and yourself up for disappointment if you are not making your expectations known."
"Making sure your expectations of one another are realistic, communicated effectively, and that each partner has a desire to meet them are all fundamental.
The amount of people who come to me for sexual dysfunction is tiny compared to the amount of people who are having trouble effectively communicating with each other."
13. And finally: "A satisfying relationship inside the bedroom starts outside the bedroom. I used to intern with therapists, and they'd always stress the importance of communication. One of the therapists loved The 5 Love Languages (which I believe started as a book), but she'd tell them to take a free quiz online to figure out their 'love language.' So many patients throughout the years would say how learning their 'love language' helped save their relationships. I've personally found it incredibly beneficial as well. If nothing else, it opens the door for communication with your S.O. on what's important and meaningful to you, which can lead to a much more satisfying sexual relationship."
"When I first met my wife, she would talk about this, and I thought it was silly. Then, I started to read the details, and it clicked that this was how she was opening the door to communication. We both were previously divorced from horrible first marriages.
That trust worked its way into the bedroom — it's the best sex we have ever had, and we are in our 40s. So, as silly as these 5 Love Languages sound, they really work as a springboard to how you might subconsciously express or want to be loved. The idea is so simple, yet the effects are pretty profound. I cannot sing the praises of The 5 Love Languages enough!"
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.