We asked the BuzzFeed Community, "What's a major relationship red flag your partner has that you have to deal with?"
Well, they didn't hold anything back, and revealed some pretty major red flags they see in their partners but don't seem to mind living with.
So, here are some relationship red flags folks put up with:
Note: Some submissions include topics of domestic abuse and emotional abuse. Please proceed with caution.
1. "Despite him saying he didn’t want to be like my ex and didn’t want to break our trust by asking to see my location constantly, he became so unbearable about where I was and what I was doing I finally just shared it with him. I know it’s toxic and I shouldn’t have and 'I should know better,' but I’m planning on standing my ground and having a talk with him about it. It’s so controlling, I’m a grown-ass woman, and I shouldn’t feel like I’m being watched all the time."
"My ex of over a decade did that to me and left me crumbled like a piece of paper, so I never went anywhere. I just stayed in the house because it was easier than having to get yelled at for going somewhere he wasn’t aware of.
This boyfriend isn’t like that. His is more based on his insecurity than it is dictation of where I am allowed to go and when, and also making sure I make it home after driving 60 miles to work each way through areas of no service. But it’s still a red flag, and I feel stupid for accepting it because it can escalate."
2. "Crying (and no, not in a 'men can't show emotion' way). I mean manipulative crying. He cried when he got caught lying to me, he cried when I wanted to go to places with my friends without him, and he cried after the first time he hit me in the face."
3. "When I met him, he was in a seemingly good place mental health-wise. As a result, it wasn't until things got hard (like my parents dying, relocating for work, and the pandemic) that I realized he has absolutely no emotional regulation. Now I'm living with a grown-ass man who loses his shit at the drop of a hat, and cannot begin to function if he's sleepy or hungry. I thought I was getting a partner, but I got a toddler."
4. "His spending. It has gotten a smidge better, but he sees money and it's already spent. I have had to beat so much sense into him. Every time we pay down a debt, there he is — card in hand, ready to do more damage. Granted it has been things we have 100% needed for the house, but in that case, then he wants the name brand best of the best. Nothing else will do. I told him we're cutting up the cards if he dares to bring up anything frivolous right now. I'm also looking into financial advisors — I really think THEY would beat more sense into him than me."
5. "I don't have a high sex-drive and it's caused three MAJOR fights between us over the last 10 years. He thinks even if I don't want to have sex that I should still want to please him. We almost got divorced recently after I dealt with a horrible, unending miscarriage that resulted in a necessary D&C surgery. He blew up saying we weren't having any type of sex."
6. "He can't keep a job. I've had my job for several years now (despite it occasionally crushing my soul), and he's had about seven in the same number of years. It makes me feel like I can't look for new work because my job is so secure, and I can't count on him to stay employed. He takes great care of me mentally and emotionally, but I just can't depend on him to bring in a steady paycheck."
"I’ve been there — my ex-husband now has a new 'mommy wife' to support him. He hasn't had a steady job in his entire adult life and he’s 41.
We met when he was almost 21 — he mooched off of me, and then took advantage of my grief-stricken mom after my dad died. Then he mooched off of his mom, had his license suspended for many years due to non-payment of child support (I had to go on welfare raising our kids), and now I think his wife’s pension has been drained."
7. "He sucks at communicating. He has gotten SIGNIFICANTLY better with a lot of hard work from both of us, figuring out what style works best for him, and adjusting my style to find a common ground. But sometimes he will still just shut down and start gatekeeping. He gets it from his father 100%. He has been working on breaking that shitty attitude he was taught, and I am very proud of him. With that being said: Some days he tosses that out the window and just sucks."
8. "I’m a Christian who LOVES dogs and Christmas time. My husband, however, is agnostic, allergic to most dogs, and he can’t stand Christmas. We actually have a great marriage and rarely argue. But, I would like him to give Christianity just a try because he hasn't tried it."
"But there's trauma there. He does get on my nerves when I get excited for Christmas, and he really couldn’t care less. And he 'loves me enough' to the point where we’ve had dogs in the past, but he even can react to dogs that don’t shed at times..."
9. "He's a smoker — a light one, but still. Before it was literally my only thing that I thought was necessary. In the end, I fell in love hard and it didn't matter. I'm not exactly happy about it (recently it pissed me off when I noticed my coat smelled of cigarettes). So now I refuse to let him in the car right after he's had one but other than that...🤷🏼♀️ (and he never smokes indoors)."
10. "He's a freakin' slob. He constantly pulls out bags and boxes of crap and just leaves them out because he wants to organize his junk. He has a thing about putting stuff on table and dresser tops — the kitchen table, kitchen counters, coffee table, hall table. He has to see his crap. I can't stand it, and it will probably lead to our separation. I can't say anything either or he gets incredibly emotional and distant and then shoves things away into closets and drawers 'just to make me happy.' I tell him I'll help (or let's hire someone to help), but no. And he came from a very organized, beautiful home/upbringing — so I don't know where this comes from."
11. "Nearly complete financial ignorance combined with impulsive spending. I realize this came from his 'someone else will take care of it,' 'it's okay to live in poverty,' and 'money doesn't buy happiness' parents. But it is literally the only thing that puts a strain on us."
12. "He doesn’t like animals. He’s not unkind to them, but he has no interest in them. He’s been allergic to most animals since he was a kid, so he was never around them and just never formed an interest in them. I LOVE animals, and as much as his disinterest in them is baffling to me, I try not to see it as a serious personality flaw."
13. "He hates music. Doesn't find it important. Me? I love sharing music with others and find it to be very intimate. I asked him, 'Well, what about live music? Do you prefer that?' and he was like, 'It's okay until it gets too loud.' Ughhhh."
14. "When we first got together he said we could talk about anything, no matter how bad. We would always be honest with each other and talk it out. If either of us ever caught feelings for someone else we would be honest and talk about it. Well, it was all a lie. He won't talk about anything important about us and our relationship. He caught feelings for a coworker, and has lied about everything. I found out most details from him when we were drunk. He is closed-off and we talk about nothing. I see no point in trying when he puts no effort into us anymore. I can't give trust to someone who keeps breaking it daily."
15. And: "My husband has an anger problem. For example, he says vile things in road rage and screams very easily. Unfortunately, he’s not able to go to therapy anymore because of his job (he’d get fired as he’s in the army). But he’s a great guy and really sensible despite this. I try to calm him down when we come to this point, but it becomes more fruitful to just ignore it as well as possible."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.