Reddit user u/JamieBobs asked the Reddit community: "I found out my child isn't mine. When do we tell him?" Well, instead of parents giving advice, people shared stories of when they found out their dads weren't their bio dads. These DNA secrets were pretty eye-opening, and revealed just how important honesty is when it comes to family.
So, here are some people who learned they'd been lied to about their bio fathers from birth (most likely scarring them for life):
1. "I found out after my dad had passed when I was 29. He raised me, acted like a dad, did dad things — his jerk of a sister just wanted to cut me out of grandma's will. My dad didn't have a will and not a lot of money. It was a horrible experience with court that dragged on for too long, and a judge whose only answer was for me to do a DNA test. After my dad had passed, my aunt had someone come and take his hair (she had this planned). She never asked my dad if he wanted that, either — it was a horrible way to find out."
2. "When I was 10, my mum told me that my dad wasn’t my biological father. They agreed they’d never tell me, and he raised me from birth — but she told me out of spite after a particularly messy divorce. My bio father didn’t want anything to do with me, and it broke me. It turned my sister into my half-sister. My dad remarried and had more children, and I know I’m not blood-related to any of them. It makes me feel like an outsider. It gave me serious abandonment issues knowing my biological father never wanted anything to do with me (I attempted contact at age 12, but was rejected). My dad had always treated me like his daughter — maybe it has something to do with how I was told, but I wish they never told me. I can’t say how I’d feel if they didn’t tell me, and I subsequently found out."
3. "A girl in my class happened to find her birth certificate a few days before a class trip. The man listed on there as her father was not the one she knew as her dad. She told no one and had a breakdown on the trip (I found her by herself sobbing in a basement bathroom). There can be important reasons not to tell, but mainly safety-related ones. Just feeling like there is no good time to do so and fear of it being awkward and difficult doesn't fall under that."
4. "After my mom died, I found out I was conceived by a sperm donor. She never told me. My dad (not bio) hasn’t found out that I know — it’s still technically a secret. I couldn’t care less about who my bio dad is because my real dad raised me, and I love him for all the little stuff. I’ll never tell him I know because it doesn’t really matter — so, it’s a tough situation."
5. "I grew up in a family with five kids (including myself). When we were 20-something, we found out the two youngest were from a different father. One of them was my sister — she felt betrayed, like she lived a lie. She has a lot of resentment. Because of this, she decided to tell the youngest, too (he was around 13 years old). He felt strange emotions about our father, but he has more time to internalize them as he grows and matures. We all love each other, we are a family, but my sister has some issues dealing with it because she felt it was weird how my mother could keep this secret for so long."
6. "I mean, my dad isn't my bio dad, but I knew my bio dad was a piece of shit before my adoptive father was in the picture. There was zero risk of me going out to try and establish a relationship with my bio dad, as I had first-hand experience that he was not worth the effort. In fact, when I was 30, my bio pops reached out to me on Facebook wanting to make up for the past. Like, dude: We don't even share a last name anymore. You were absent since I was around 7, you were a shitty father until that point, and you willingly gave up your parental rights to me when I was 12. You had your shot, and you blew it."
7. "My sister and I have different dads — my dad raised us both. He, however, knew all along she wasn't his. For some weird reason, my family decided to make this topic a secret (but apparently only a secret hidden from me). Well, after 20 years of everyone hiding it, my new girlfriend came into the family and started spotting 'odd irregularities' between my sister and I. One day, after we moved in together, my girlfriend decided to nudge me to the conclusion without outright saying it."
"She asked: 'Didn't your mum and dad meet and get married the same year you were born?' Me: 'Yeah.' Her: 'Isn't your sister five years older than you?' Me: 'Yeah, she is...'
Her: 'Do you remember that big family fight where someone from your dad's side of the family was a total dick and screamed at your sister that she wasn't a blood relative?' Me: 'Yeah, I still don't speak to that jerk.'
10 minutes later, I was like: 'Wait, do my sister and I have different dads?' My girlfriend: 'Yes, you moron!' Me: 'Ohhh, shit...'"
8. "My wife is the middle child of five. Her dad passed away in 2001, and her mom in 2005 — we are both in our early 60s. About 10 years ago, after a number of her siblings took DNA tests, they found out that her youngest sibling is a half-sibling by a different father. As you can imagine, this caused a lot of consternation among the family. It turned out that her mom cheated on my father-in-law, and he knew. They never told the kids, and it was a scandal."
9. "My brother was told when he was 18, but my parents were and are still together. Maybe this makes it different, but he essentially said: 'He's the only father I've ever known and treated me like his own child, and was fine with it.' He met his bio father once, but that was all the interest he ever had. I think it's very dependent on the person unfortunately."
10. "Growing up, my sister and I always assumed my dad wasn’t my dad. We look nothing alike, didn’t act similar in the least bit, and my mother cheated on him a lot. When I was 20 or so, my dad and I talked about it. I told him that regardless, he raised me — he’s my father, and that’s not going to change anything. We never really cared to do a paternity test or anything, then my sister bought me one of those genealogy kits for Christmas. It still took me six months to get around to doing it (just turns out I took a lot after my mother)."
11. "My mom remarried when I was 3, so I don't know my bio dad. But, it was clear very early that my adoptive father was very, very different than me. I don't recall how young I was when I was officially told that he wasn't my father, but it's something I remember always knowing from a young age. It didn't damage me to know, I didn't have a hard time understanding it, and it didn't make my life hard knowing that while he was raising me as my dad, he had different biology. It was actually helpful knowing our DNA was different because it explained why I was so different than him."
12. "I've never known my biological father, but I've been fortunate enough to have my adoptive dad. My parents told me around the time I was 5, and my parents didn't stick together. My adoptive dad has remained my dad all my life, and I'm grateful for that. Fast-forward and I have a couple of kids of my own, and I'm fostering a couple of others as well."
13. And: "In high school, my cousin slept around on her boyfriend too much. She ended up getting pregnant by someone else who didn't want the baby or anything to do with her (he's in prison now). She ended up marrying the boyfriend, and they had two daughters together. They waited until the oldest kid was 18, and her dad broke it to her that he wasn't her real father. It was a double whammy of him not being her dad and him being the dad of her two sisters. She ended up running away from home later that week with some 18-year-old guy who just joined the Army. It sounds like she found her footing later in life, but we don't really talk — I only talk with the other two. They just say she's doing 'well enough,' and I leave it alone."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.