Recently, Reddit user u/Methamphetacream asked the community: "What’s the gnarliest thing that's happened to you during sex?"
Well, unfortunately for them, a LOT of horrible things have happened to them. Like, I'm truly appalled by their stories...these poor, poor people.
So, here are some scarring sexual experiences that I'm pretty sure you'll thank god have never happened to you:
1. "I was in the middle of nowhere in West Texas getting a blow job outside from a woman I barely knew. It turned out I was laying on top of a fire ant bed. But I didn't want to risk the blow job, so I took those stings as long as I could, trying to make it to the end. The ants won. We left, and I was in agony for quite a while."
2. "When I was pregnant, I was taking a nap, and my husband was making jalapeño poppers. He washed his hands and came into the bedroom and spooned me and then started trying to rub/finger me. It was fine at first until I started feeling the burning. Turns out, washing your hands isn't enough, and the jalapeño juice was now on my bits, and everything was on fire. He felt so bad."
3. "I was at a college party, and the booze was flowing. We heard a high-pitched scream, and we all ran to see what it was. Some drunk naked woman was clutching her clothes and ran past us out the front door. Inside the bedroom was a guy freaking out, wiping chocolate off his face. But it wasn't chocolate: They were having a sloppy 69 with him on the bottom. She had a massive orgasm and rained yesterday's Sloppy Joe shit right onto his face. It started a chain reaction of vomiting (yeah, I puked, too — you would've done the same)."
"I randomly remind myself of all sorts of regrettable moments and have to remind myself that those people probably don’t even remember it. But this — they definitely remember it. Poor girl."
4. "I was dating a very fit woman in college that could bench more than I weighed. We were going at it in her favorite position (ankles at her ears), and the next thing I knew, I was waking up to EMT and the police carrying me to the ambulance. Turns out, the bookcase headboard wasn't attached to the frame properly. She grabbed it in the middle of her orgasm, and it landed on me, splitting my head open and knocking me out. She was pinned underneath and had to scream until one of my neighbors called the cops and ambulance to get us out. I needed two units of blood, and she was covered head to waist in my blood (not to mention the bed looked like a crime scene). I ended up with a few new scars, and she has PTSD and passes out at the sight of blood."
5. "This didn't happen to me, but during my nursing training, a couple was admitted to our teaching hospital. She had a laceration on her head and burn wounds on her back. He had an injury to his penis. It turned out that they were pleasuring themselves while frying a cutlet. She pleasured him with her mouth, and as he climaxed, he lost control of the pan and the hot fat inside spilled out and poured down her back. In shock, the young woman bit down on her partner's penis, whereupon he hit his partner on the head with the pan in reflex. Joy and sorrow are sometimes so close together!"
6. "After a night out, my ex-girlfriend and I proceeded to wander down a back alleyway (we were quite drunk). I went down on the floor, and she got on top. All was going well in the opening moments, but it slowly dawned on me that I was feeling very comfortable (too comfortable to be on a concrete alleyway floor). I started to observe my surroundings as my ex bounced away, oblivious to what I was looking at. To the right of me was a small heater and to the left of me some old boots. I then started to feel what I was on top of: It was an old mattress. It was at that precise moment we both heard a rustling noise behind us — somebody was watching us, making odd noises."
"We bolted. We never saw who it was, but it was safe to say they saw everything. Unfortunately, a pair of knickers had to be left behind as we left in such a mad hurry."
7. "My frenulum broke (for those who don’t know, it's the little spot of skin that holds your foreskin up). I was hitting it from the back, and all of a sudden, there was a sharp pain and lots of blood. Not wanting to believe my eyes, I asked my girl at the time if it was her. She laughed at me for some unholy reason and said, 'Hahaha, no' as the blood literally pooled over in my hands and onto the floor. At the same time, I didn’t want to pay an ambulance bill, so I threw on gray sweatpants, ran out of my bedroom door, pushed past my fucking mortified roommate ('What is going on?'), and into my Nissan Sentra."
"I ran at least two red lights on my way to the emergency room, but when I got there (probably due to the sight of my newly-dyed red pants), I got waived into the ER faster than I ever have in my entire life.
They barely took any of my info; they saw me and just started rushing me into the back area. In the end, the doctor gave me a strange cock Band-Aid I had to wear for two weeks and some antibiotic.
The lesson is sometimes spit and bravery just isn’t and will never be enough."
8. "A girl I was seeing was giving me head as I was laying in my bed (we were both pretty drunk on red wine). She says, 'I want to try and deep throat this thing...' She immediately gags herself and pukes up an entire bottle of red wine all over me and my bed."
9. "I brought my girlfriend to such an orgasm that I got a knee to the face. Black eye, fractured lower orbital, broken glasses. That was a real fun one to explain to my parents when they got the optometrist's bill."
"Sir, you deserve a sex purple heart...wounded in battle...thank you for your service!"
10. "I was getting some backseat car head near the woods when I noticed a dark spot on my sexual device (my dick). I ignored it at first, but when it didn't move or disappear, I told my ex-girlfriend to stop while I checked it out. She tells me it's a birthmark, and we argued for a minute because I know what my own meat looks like. After close examination under my phone flashlight, it became apparent that I had a dick tick. My ex had been sucking on a dick tick — I pulled that sucker out, and she kept going."
11. "I used to have one of those old analog SodaStream machines where you just pressed the button with the bottle screwed in. A few times I put way too much carbonation in, and the water was almost boiling with CO2. I told my girlfriend at the time to hold a bunch of it in her mouth and suck my dick to see what it felt like. That was a terrible, terrible idea."
12. "I got four stitches in between my lip folds because he lifted my ass up a little too high and brought me back down too hard. He slipped out before we had time to course correct. I bled so much it looked like a crime scene. Now my vagina always looks like a sleeping Muppet with its tongue hanging out."
13. "I’ll just say this: I LITERALLY fucked the shit out of a Tinder date. I noticed, she didn’t, and I tried to keep it hidden to avoid awkwardness. Rolled the sheets up and tossed them in a dumpster once she left. Maybe that was the wrong move, but I had no precedence for this."
14. "A girl left her tampon in by accident, and I was young and dumb, so I didn’t know what was happening. I just kept going. I got rug burn on my penis from rubbing against it (I also had to assist in the removal once we figured it out)."
15. "Her new kitten had a panic attack and jumped on me, clawing the hell out of my ass."
16. And finally: "I was having sex with a girl I picked up at a bar back at her place. She was riding on top while I laid back on her bed. Her bed happened to be a futon, and when she bent down to kiss me, it folded up and she flew across the room like a learjet. I was laughing my ass off until I looked at her, and she was holding her face with rivers of blood gushing from a gash that split her bottom lip all the way down to her chin! I bounced up and was all, 'We gotta get you to a hospital!' She started screaming at me to leave and basically threw me out naked with my clothes in my hand. I never saw her again."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.