Some People Were Born To Be Dads And Others Definitely Weren't, And Here Are 20 Examples To Illustrate Both Sides Of The Story

    I wish my dad gave me a mental health day when I was 6.

    Kayla Yandoli
    by Kayla Yandoli

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Warning: Some posts include topics of verbal abuse, domestic abuse, rape, suicide, and threats of violence. Please proceed with caution.

    1. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Dad angry that his kid won't give him their social security number
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    Kid questioning why he needed it, him still angry
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    Dad's final response: "I don't need it you should give it to me without question. You just lost $250,000"
    reddit.com

    "Never give him any information that could jeopardize your financial future. It seems super obvious he was about to use it to acquire a loan using your identity for some scheme he had planned. I wish you well, and hope you have a much better next few days and a good life. Please continue to be smart with your private information as you've just displayed."

    —u/Lt_Viking89

    "Yep, it's horrible parents who actually do this — my boyfriend's mom used his sister's social security number to get a credit card when she was 18, and destroyed her credit. She finally got it up to a good number when she was 22."

    —u/jen12617

    "When I was younger, my godmother suddenly asked my mom for my brother and my social security numbers. My mom trusts her friend a whole lot, and knows she only wants the best for us — she was still dumbfounded and asked her why. It turned out our godmother wanted to add us in her will, so it was a lovely intention and made sense with her wealth and family size that she’d include godchildren. Ya know what our godmother didn’t do when my mom asked why she wanted someone else’s SS number? Freak out, accuse my mom of not trusting her, play games, and retract her intentions because someone thought they deserved to know why they had to give up their SS numbers. 

    I somehow doubt your dad actually had such a generous offer on the table for you, but I love you answer to it: 'Oh, well — my loss, I guess. Moving on.' It completely deflected his attempt to make you regret questioning him with everything you had."

    —u/BraidedSilver

    2. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    Dad who saved pocket change for his daughter, gave it to her in a pill bottle
    reddit.com

    "A lot of folks who grew up without a dad/decent dad are probably feeling that familiar pang of sadness by this post. I know it hurts, but use this post as an example for the type of parent YOU want to be — each and every one of us deserves a pill bottle of coins, especially our kids. Use all of your sadness, resentment, and fear and turn that energy into making your kids' lives as fruitful and full of love as possible."

    —u/EnriqueShockwav

    "I always tell people that the only reason I'm a great father is because I know what it feels like not to have one. As long as I'm alive, my children will never know that feeling of being unwanted or not being a top priority."

    —u/TheFranchise36

    "I'm the biological dad to two children, and I adopted a young adult who was a former student of mine. I love them all and they know it. They have given me five sweet grandchildren, and I'm so proud of them all. They're solid citizens and loving parents to their children — I know that when I leave this life someday, they'll pass down the love that I've planted in them."

    —u/Elocutus55

    The dad's note reads:

    Dad's note: "$11.19 — 6/1/18. Coffee money. Love, dad"
    BuzzFeed

    3. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Dad telling his kid to change their mailing address in a horrific way
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    Dad: "You are full of shit. You were spoiled"
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    Dad threatening his kid with physical violence
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    "I'm sorry you're dealing with this — the petty side of me would sign him up for about 20 mail order companies."

    —u/Penguinator53

    "Imagine rapidly looking through a stack of mail, occasionally seeing someone else's name, and letting that actually affect your mental well-being to the point of confrontational anger? Has he never lived in an apartment building before? Other people's mail is, like, 80% of it."

    —u/EagerSleeper

    "Because my dad and I share names, he deliberately opened my mail knowing it wouldn't be for him — things like correspondence from the universities I'd gone to when I still lived at home. I repeatedly asked him not to. It got to the point where he'd deliberately do it to bait me into a conversation where he'd attack me verbally and emotionally. Just ask your dad to throw it out — if he can't be bothered to just throw it out, he's using it as bait to rage at you. Fuck that shit."

    —u/Glacial_Till

    4. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    Dad texting his daughter from the kitchen, checking in on her: "Wine? Fancy a hot scone?"
    reddit.com

    "My dad brought me a cheese plate one day after I'd been fucked-up by a migraine that lasted two weeks. I remember feeling so weak and sad about the future — at around 17-years-old — and he walked in with that fucking cheese plate. He kissed the top of my head, told me he was sorry I'd had such a rough time, settled me into my bed, and left me to rest. He moved across the country from me a couple months ago, and I don't think I'll ever be okay with it."

    —u/kittenpettingfool

    "I would have given anything for a dad like this."

    —u/rumblebumblecrumble

    "My first year of college was my first year ever away from home. My dad was battling all kinds of health issues that left him hospitalized quite a bit, but he always managed to call me a few times a week.

    I was taking a 'Calculus for the Bio Sciences' course, and I was absolutely floored by that class. It was right around the end of the semester, and I had a huge test to prepare for — I was terrified and had a massive panic attack. I texted my dad and the message was incoherent, as my shaking hands and autocorrect formed their own sentence. My dad was texting me all kinds of positive things and telling me I could do it if I put my mind to it. So, I spent the afternoon and evening buried in my book and notes — and at around 11:30 p.m., I heard a knock at my door.

    My mom and dad were standing there (they lived about three hours away) with Whataburger, a cup of my favorite coffee, and a card that said, 'Do not open me until your test is complete.' I finished my test days later and managed to get a B — I opened the letter, and my mom and dad wrote, 'We knew you would pass' with a $100 gift card to Chili's (my favorite place). Rest in peace, dad — you had an undying faith in me and it meant the world to me.

    A good dad can make a huge difference."

    —u/BeyondXpression

    5. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Dad asking his kid where their mom is in a verbally abusive manner
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    Dad: "I've been a good father to you, why do you treat me like this?"
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    Dad: "Hope you vomit blood and choke to death"
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    Dad: "Why abandon me when I'm sick"
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    Dad: Some men murder their daughters, rape them, torture them. Just be glad you got a good man as your father"
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    Dad: "I know you, you tell people I'm abusive"
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    "'I didn’t murder or rape you' — what an abysmally low bar for a PARENT. God."

    —u/EpicWalrus222

    "'I only verbally abuse you and call you terrible things. You should be grateful.'"

    —u/killerjags

    6. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    Son thanking dad for teaching him how to be a contractor
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    Dad telling his son how proud he is of him, and how much he loves him
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    "My dad is still my hero — he has a dry sense of humor and doesn't quite understand complex things like depression. Even though he doesn't understand it, when I told him how I felt, he still stuck by me and gave every bit of his time and effort to make me feel loved. He wasn't a romantic person or even a people person — his marriage failed, but he says he doesn't mind because, 'I might not be a good husband, but if there's one thing I hope to achieve every day, it's to be a good father.'"

    —u/Automatic-Law319

    "That's wonderful — it's also wonderful he's lived long enough for you to say it. We don't always realize the small things our dads instill in us that make us better people until it's too late to tell them. I have a friend who's dad died when he was 28, and he regrets he never had the chance to tell him that."

    —u/Rechlai

    "I turn 43 in a couple of months, and my dad is 78. I've been thinking for years now that I should just gather up my courage and try to have a real, honest conversation with him, like this one. For some reason we're always all jokes and puns with the occasional 'I love yous' and hugs. I'm proud of you, and so happy for you."

    —u/worldsworstnihilist

    7. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Dad: "Personality disorders cannot be treated"
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    Dad: "They can only be identified. A person who is victimized by a person with a personality disorder can be"
    reddit.com

    "As a fellow older sibling who parented my little sister and has had to look out for her best interests, don’t fuck around with this. I have a personality disorder (BPD) that went untreated and ridiculed by my parents during childhood, and now I have PTSD that impacts every aspect of my life. Your dad is not being a good parent — he's being outright abusive and neglectful. Call CPS. 

    I wish I’d had someone in my life with the stones to do that for me — you needed to intervene, and this stuff is already so hard to deal with. The damage a home environment like this can do truly has no ceiling, so try not to choose a comfortable relationship with your dad over your brother’s life. He’s already vocalized being suicidal to you."

    —u/sarahelizam

    "As someone with a personality disorder, keep fighting the good fight. Your brother will have a miserable life if he doesn't get treatment and if your parents won't advocate for him. I'm glad he has you in his corner — your dad needs to learn how to be a fucking parent, and do what his child needs to be well."

    —u/IncenseAndIron

    "Why is it always the dads who refuse to get their kids help? I didn’t get help as a kid because therapy was for 'quacks' and it was 'against the Bible.' I literally could not get help until I flunked out of high school and became an adult. It was only after my suicide attempt they were all like, 'Okay, let’s see what a therapist will say and do.' It turns out I had autism and because of the shit I was put through, I also had severe depression and anxiety. So, keep fighting for your brother — I wish I had someone like you fighting for me back then."

    —u/sekishiashura

    8. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    Dad sending his daughter a gift, and telling her she's a gem of a person
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    The text reads:

    Note from dad: "You are such a wonderful person, and I am so proud of you"
    BuzzFeed

    "Save this letter forever — trust me!"

    —u/Funnyface92

    "Every time I see things like this, it really makes me wish that my father and I had tried harder to talk to each other when I was younger. We're good now, but not snail-mail gem sharing good."

    —u/Sonneboat

    "Man, my dad was so sweet like this — he really made sure his children felt special, and specifically complimented us. I miss him so very much."

    —u/DisregardThisOrDont

    "I can’t imagine my life without him — he really does compliment my siblings and I individually, and has a special bond with each one of us. Dads like this are so rare — I’m glad you had a similar experience, but I’m sorry for your loss ❤️."

    —u/Ivymoon89

    9. A father I'd HATE to have:

    "At this point in my life, I've reached such a high degree of 'fuck it!' that if someone ever said that to me, I'd probably say something like, 'Satan has a God-tier ass, then.' Someone like this person's dad is so impossible, so you might as well mess with them when they have the gall to get in your face like that."

    —u/Bartokandcroutons

    "I had a similar experience with my dad. He told me if the mosque tells me I’m allowed to get a dog, then he’d buy one for me on the spot. I ran to the mosque he went to and asked an Islamic scholar there, and he wrote me a note that said, 'Yes, it's halal to own a dog' — especially for the reasons I had. I was suffering from abuse, and needed companionship because my parents didn't provide any. My dad saw the note and bought me the dog, only to kick me out of the house because the scholar couldn't have possibly been right."

    —u/Bicycle_Violator

    "As a former Muslim who was heavily indoctrinated, this stuff is so damn common. My mother would hint that because I had stopped praying, bad stuff was going to happen to our family. My parents told me stories about God killing people if they left the religion they followed — one time my mother told me I wasn't allowed to have a dude over because of religious reasons, but my younger brother was allowed to invite his girlfriend over."

    —u/LukatheCyka

    10. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    "Wow, I just lost it in the middle of the store. My mom and I shared a birthday, and when she passed away, my dad did something out of character. He recreated my mom's and my 'skip day' — he took me to McDonald's and we went to a movie (something my mom and I used to do). He said to me that he knew he couldn't replace my mom, but he wanted to try and make a hard day easier. He passed two years ago, but the relationship we formed after my mom's death will be with me forever."

    —u/darksideofthemoon131

    "Man, what a great guy — I strive to be this type of dad to my kids. My dad passed away six years ago, and never got to meet his grandkids — I miss him so much. He was a big kid at heart, and as we got older, we had a slew of odd nicknames for him that he loved. We rarely ever called him 'dad.' 

    He was the first to buy us Atari and Nintendo when they came out, and he loved playing it as much as we did — things like that will stick with you forever. Kudos to your dad."

    —u/ARGOJO

    "I remember one time my mum was out visiting her ill father, so it was just my dad and I at home for my birthday. I had a thing for tanks when I was a kid, so he baked me a cake and cut it up into a shape of a tank with fudge for the turret and everything. One of the first times he baked a cake, and I will never forget it."

    —u/OrientalMessiah1

    11. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Dad complaining about being at his kid's Lego robotics tournament, wishing they'd play sports instead
    reddit.com

    "Robotics are rad! I went to a programming summer camp once where they taught kids the basics of object-oriented programming (we made little video games) and how to program robots to do obstacle courses. It was so fun and difficult. If anyone has a kid who's into robots, I hope you treasure and nourish that interest and help your kid bloom instead of down on them."

    —u/StragglingShadow

    "I’m glad other fathers stepped in to make him look like a jerk, even if he didn't realize — I'm the father of an only child who happens to be a girl. I couldn’t have been more proud when she was born, and I couldn’t be more proud now whenever she brings home reading prizes. No matter what she accomplishes, I will be happy, because what makes her happy makes me happy. I love to see her smile, and how anyone could think otherwise simply baffles me. Although I wish she liked playing toss with me once in a while, I would never shit-talk her for not liking it — we'll just find something else to do together, like play with Lego. Have fun with your kids — life is short."

    —u/The7Pope

    "I can't stand this 'OtHeR kIdS pLaY fOoTbAlL!' line — it's the sentiment of an awful dad who thinks his kids should just be little versions of himself. They're supposed to have the exact same interests and ambitions that he held in his youth, and it's just so toxic. 

    Sure, expose your kids to the things you love — that can be a perfectly healthy thing for kids and parents to do together. But, don't get all pissy if they're not into it (similarly, it's fine if your kids are into stuff you find stupid or boring — you are allowed to be bored or roll your eyes when with other parents). Just don't post your garbage online!"

    —u/papasatansanglouie

    12. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    "My dad would do the same thing — he'd draw the Zelda maps on paper so we wouldn't get lost (I especially remember the Zelda 2 dungeons). When I started playing World of Warcraft, my dad had his own account — he only went out and killed monsters, and never did any end-game stuff. I would say something like, 'I need 10 of this item to craft' and I would let him know where to go — I would get home and have literally 200 of that item in my mail! I eventually brought him to a few raids, and the shenanigans he would get into were legendary. He was an absolute legend in the guild and IRL."

    —u/Zikerz

    "I recently got God of War** for my PS4, and my dad seemed really interested in it — so, I held off playing it until he was back home from his trip overseas. The game is fantastic, but it was made even better because I could talk to my dad about the mythology and he’d help me out when I missed a collectible or something. It b**rought me back to when I was a kid playing Spyro the Dragon with him."

    —u/Calvin-18

    "The best part is you waited until he got home, which means he got to watch you enjoy the things he did for you — that's all dads ever want."

    —u/cicalino

    13. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Father-in-law: "Enjoy 'em while you can before they tell you're a POS for punishing them to hold them accountable"
    reddit.com
    Father-in-law: "I'm glad I'm old and dying because I don't want any part in what's coming that we r already starting to see with all the marches and rallies"
    reddit.com

    "Forgive my nit-picking, but 'Cat's in the Cradle' is about a DAD who reaps what he sows. He's absent for most of his kid's life, and by the time he gets his head out of the sand and finds time to spend with his kid, there's just no relationship left — so, it doesn't happen. I think the lesson of the song is: 'Parents: APPRECIATE YOUR KIDS and make time for them over your career'— it IS NOT about the kid abandoning the dad and regretting it."

    —u/tuna_tofu

    "If he relates to that song, he's self-reporting as an emotionally absent father."

    —u/crucibleduke

    "Him: *They’re snowflakes.*

    Also him: *Gets offended that people get offended.*"

    —u/YoMommaHere

    14. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    "My dad checked the weather one morning and saw it was supposed to be light showers, and decided in the car he was going to take me to Disneyland instead. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t notice where we were going until we were half-way there (we lived about an hour away). I’m pretty sure it’s my favorite childhood memory — it was a rainy weekday in the off-season, and the park was emptier than I had ever seen it before. There were no lines, we rode Indiana Jones, and they didn’t even make us get off to ride again."

    —u/LegendOfDylan

    "I love this. I was bullied a lot in middle school, and for the most part I dealt with it, but some days I just…couldn’t. My dad knew damn well I was faking sick, but he never questioned me — instead of leaving me at home to watch The Price Is Right and nurse my pretend stomachache, he’d take me to work with him at his architecture office. He and his coworkers would set me up with an autocad session or some colored pencils and drafting paper, and I’d have the best day ever. I’m an industrial designer now, and I love my job :)."

    —u/Haoledayinn

    "In my last year of high school, I asked my dad if I could have a day off to catch up on all of the assignments and notes that I needed to. He agreed on one condition: I give him permission to have the day off to catch up on all of the marking and class planning he needed to do (he was a teacher). We got nothing done, and instead got distracted by music and video games — but we needed that day."

    —u/prolillg1996

    15. A father I'd HATE to have:

    "What does court have to do with it? Are you a minor?"

    —u/PennyLane_87

    "No, I'm 23. She uses it as a threat, but I've had enough of her BS."

    —u/eloyellow2 

    "Honestly, I just wouldn't respond to her anymore. If you've decided to remove her from your life, you should block any access she has to you, and if she does manage to message you, just ignore it. You're just feeding her narcissism by responding — take it from a 34-year-old who spent too much of her adult life feeding into a narcissistic mother's tirades."

    —u/PennyLane_87

    16. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    Dad who died of cancer sent daughter flowers every year for her birthday after he passed
    reddit.com

    "Wow, just wow — what an amazingly thoughtful thing your dad did. I think based on this post alone, he'd be extremely happy with the woman and person you've become."

    —u/-eumaeus-

    "You might want to consider preserving them. There are people who can put them in resin — that would be a nice thing to keep. He was very sweet."

    —u/daisyfacethemusic

    "My dad died just before he turned 70 and did a similar thing for my mom. He’s been gone for about five years now, and my mom just got her Valentine's Day flowers from him again. I saw a checklist of things he was getting in order on his desk one day when I came home to visit when things were starting to go down-hill. On it was pre-pay for 10 years of flowers and gifts on their wedding anniversary and Valentine’s Day, he finished writing his personal history, and he finished writing letters to his children. Cancer sucks big time, but the silver lining is you are really forced to think about things like that and cherish the time you have left (and hopefully get a bit of closure)."

    —u/Fresh-NeverFrozen

    17. A father I'd HATE to have:

    The texts read:

    Dad: "I can't get into the head of an immature 20-year-old. The next step is hers!"
    reddit.com
    Dad: "Maybe I went about [visiting my daughter] wrong, but at least I'm trying"
    reddit.com
    Dad calling his daughter and ex-wife wife hypocrites for drinking
    reddit.com

    "My dad cheated on my mom with NO LESS than seven women that we know of, left us to move 500 miles away, and took in the children of one of his mistresses. When my mom asked him why, he said, 'Her kids really need me.' He left my brother and I behind like we were nothing, and he's never made an effort. He always wants us to come see him, and he always says he doesn't have money so we'll pay for things for him. He moved back and forth for a while, and then recently relocated to a beach because, 'You are men now, and you don't need your dad around anymore. My job is done.'

    Despite all of this, we STILL try and make it work with him, but any time we can't, it's immediately a 'woe is me' pity-party, victim-playing fit. It's the worst. I feel for y'all — it sucks so much, and it's impossibly complicated on an emotional level."

    —u/fracturedsplintX

    "I love how these kind of dads use the ‘you’ll regret it when I’m gone!’ line, as if that immediately would take away the fact that they were pieces of shit when they were alive."

    —u/MsJacq

    "You did so well, and should be really proud of yourself — it's tough to give honest advice when people aren't receptive to it. Don't feel bad that he didn't turn on a dime and agree to better himself because he's been in denial about it himself for a long time. If there is any strength in him, he'll think about what you said for a long time, and maybe it'll inspire him to try again. It doesn't necessarily mean he will get clean, but I'm hopeful for you guys."

    —u/ButtonJoe

    18. A father I'd LOVE to have:

    "That's great to see — that kind of relationship with your father is priceless. Maybe in another life I will feel what that's like."

    —u/Fit-Cartographer-318

    "My father would do stuff like that whenever he picked me up from places. I got a full monologue texted in the style of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride about how he would be there at dawn to hunt for the man with six fingers.

    Once I mailed him homemade cookies, but wrote a letter in the style of '60s spy-fi series The Avengers (as if the cookies were possibly dangerous and needed testing — his specialty). I loved that old man."

    —u/DawnSoap

    "Years back, I drove 10 hours for a visit to my parents’ house that I grew up in. They were out of town for one more day and knew I’d be there when they got back, and the problem was I didn’t have a key. My dad had emailed me scavenger hunt directions that described locations in reference to stuff I hadn’t thought about since I was a kid — I first had to find a key that was hidden near the hamster graveyard. The key wasn’t for the house, though: It was to where my doll house was stored (aka the shed). It took a couple of more steps into my childhood memories until I finally got the key to the house — even after a long drive and having to pee, he made it all super fun."

    —u/shhhhnotsoloud

    19. A father I'd HATE to have:

    Son calling out his dad for insulting his wife
    reddit.com
    Dad manipulating son
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    Dad: "You're a special person who bends shit to your benefit"
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    Dad: "Coke would have been cheaper. Quit talking shit out of context, dumbass"
    reddit.com
    Dad: "I tried the best with you! I raised you the best I could! Where was your mom while I raised you!"
    reddit.com
    Son: "What about when you beat my cat and I tried to stop you"
    reddit.com
    Son's continued list of abusive things his father did to him
    reddit.com

    "You must have been emotionally exhausted after that — I’m so sorry that you have a jerk for a dad. You deserved better growing up and deserve better now. I hope you and your wife are okay.

    The last slide was so hard to read, the abuse you put up with 😞 — just know how strong you are as a person. Your dad sucks and likely won’t ever see the error of his ways because alcoholic abusers generally don’t. Don’t waste another minute of your life on him — hopefully he stays blocked, and you and your wife can live in peace together. But, I know how hard that can be when memories come back and start biting at you."

    —u/sunshinekraken

    "I quit talking to my entire family about a year and a half ago, and it's been amazing. It's quiet, there's no drama, there's no one insulting me for not having kids or a spouse yet, for not losing weight — the list goes on and on. I love my life now because I do what I want, and I no longer listen to anyone telling me how 'shitty I am.' I don't have to worry about my drunk dad attempting to hit any of us — I'm no longer a mediator. I no longer listen to my enabling mother trying to get me to forgive him. I'm happy, and I hope your future is just as happy."

    —u/star_guardian_carol

    20. And finally, a father I'd LOVE to have:

    Single dad adopting a teenage man
    reddit.com

    "Adopting teenagers is one of the most noble things you can do, in my opinion. Since they compete with babies and small children for parents, they are forgotten by society and age out of the system and straight into poverty — all alone."

    —u/Never_Ever_Commentz

    "As a father myself, I don't know how anyone could abandon their child like that. But, this man has his heart in the right place, and I am so happy for them and that they're a family."

    —u/XtraCheezeePro

    "Someone just left a teenager at a hospital? I actually can’t cope with the heartlessness of so-called 'parents' anymore. All I've seen lately are babies being murdered, and now this boy's been abandoned (and he's old enough to realize everything that's happened). Thank God for this dad taking him in — at least there are some people out there who can still be called humans."

    —u/Lash58

    "I've always believed you can pick your family. Whoever you call 'dad' is your dad, whoever you call 'aunt' is your aunt — it's as simple as that. I hate that stupid quote, 'You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.' It's just not true."

    —u/ChillyPickles

    Note: Some posts have been edited for length and/or clarity.

    If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-2253 (4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.