1.
TV MA? Does this mean I get to see The Rock's butt?
2.
The lower case font in this title sequence makes me uncomfortable. This song is bangin' though.
3.
Holy shit. That dude just jumped up onto something that was 6 feet off the ground. He's MAGIC.
4.
Rob Corddry is in this?
5.
PUGS ON A TREADMILL!
6.
The Rock is having bad football dreams. Poor The Rock.
7.
Ah! He sits up in bed and he's not wearing a shirt! Will I get to see The Rock's butt so soon?
8.
9.
Naked lady count: 1 (I'm starting a count because I have this CRAZY hunch that there will be more naked ladies)
10.
The Rock chews his prescription meds instead of taking them with water. I think this means that he's tough. Or at least his jaw is tough.
11.
New character! He is not The Rock. He is, however, wearing a fur vest in Miami and is driving really fast while singing "Fantasy" by Earth Wind and Fire to his girlfriend. I am assuming it's his girlfriend because he's rubbing her thigh. She could also be his optometrist. I'm not going to put any labels on their relationship just yet.
12.
They're telling each other how much they love each other. So, yeah, I'm going with optometrist.
13.
The girlfriend just informed Mr. Fur Vest that she would do anything for him, including kill herself. Da fuq?
14.
Oh, he's married. Uh oh. And he lied to her about it.
15.
And she just vice gripped his dick.
16.
And punched him.
17.
Twice.
18.
Aaaaaand car accident.
19.
HE DIED?!? I'll miss you, you football playing, fur vest wearing adulterer.
20.
The Rock is giving his eulogy. I want The Rock to give me my eulogy.
21.
There's a woman at this funeral flashing her crotch to The Rock. I guess funerals just do it for some people.
22.
23.
The women at this funeral were just referred to as funeral hoes. Is that a concept that exists that I'm not aware of?
24.
The Rock has a big temple vein.
25.
26.
Popping more pills. Grinding them down with his man teeth.
27.
28.
Rob Corrdry's first line is in Spanish, so I couldn't understand it, but his second line refers to the hot snatch at the funeral. I feel like I'm not going to like Rob Corrdry in this.
29.
There's a lot of vague talk about getting leads and pressure from "the guys upstairs". I have no idea what either of them do for a living. Optometrists? Yeah, that feels right.
30.
Mini Forest Whitaker mourns by laying on the couch and watching Dr. Oz. I feel like we'd be friends IRL.
31.
He is also jobless, so we'd have a lot of time to hang.
32.
SMASH CUT TO SEXY LADY PARTY TIME.
33.
Are these all actual, real life football players that they're talking to at this party? I don't watch football, but they all seem niiiice and awkward in front of the camera.
34.
Apparently, it's Brittany's birthday! Happy birthday, Brittany!
35.
The Rock actually just gave some really sound financial advice: "Never buy a depreciating asset. If it drives, flies, floats, or fucks: LEASE IT."
36.
I really hope this show is just sound financial advice sandwiched between fast cars and The Rock chewing on painkillers.
37.
One of these football players just bought an elephant. He did not listen to The Rock's advice. Although, I don't think you can lease an elephant.
38.
Beardy's having sex with a girl named Dashi in the club bathroom. He is clothed, she is not. Naked lady count: 2
39.
There's a preppy redneck in a polo shirt just looking to get in a fight with Beardy.
40.
Aaaaaand fight.
41.
New character! And he's having sex with a woman. He is covered, she is not. Naked lady count: 3
42.
43.
Vernon, the character who needs $300,000, lets a guy who is affectionately referred to as "Fat Reggie from Crenshaw" handle all his money. I knew it was just like that 30 for 30!
44.
The agent tells The Rock that he was a sure thing and The Rock disagrees with him. Come on, The Rock. Believe in yourself.
45.
Rob Corrdry just awkwardly gave Beardy the shaka sign. Which was hilarious. I still don't like him, though.
46.
47.
The Rock is giving Beardy a really intense speech about getting his act together and all of the things he needs to stop doing. It culminates with "… and no more fucking Twitter." Wise words, The Rock.
48.
New character! It's a woman and she's not naked! Yay! I'm not quite sure, but she's holding Beardy's hand so I think she's his optometrist. She knows more about football than Beardy, works in PR, and is wearing a shirt that looks like it got caught in a wood chipper.
49.
Mini Forest Whitaker got a job at a Chevy dealership and his wife is so happy and they're really adorable! And now they're gonna do it!
50.
Beardy just got down on his knees and prayed to God that he could, once again, "ball on these motherfuckers." Amen.
51.
Mini Forest Whitaker is trying to sell a car, but he just keeps saying torque and horsepower over and over. I really do feel like we'd be best budz.
52.
53.
I just learned that Beardy gets icked out by raw fish.
54.
The Rock just tried to withdraw money from the ATM to see a movie and was informed he had insufficient funds. That happened to me once and I cried in the parking lot of the Chase bank. The Rock didn't cry. I have a lot to learn from him.
55.
I'm still sad that I didn't get to see The Rock's butt.
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