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27 Thoughts I Had While Watching Episode 2 Of HBO's "Ballers"

I watch Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s new show Ballers and write my thoughts. Of which there are many.

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1.

This tiny lady is totally busting The Rock's balls.

2.

Rob Corddry just jerked off behind her. I hate him.

3.

Also, he just took a single sheet of paper and laid it down in what is very obviously a completely empty filing cabinet. That's where he keeps his paper.

4.

Fun fact: Apparently tiny lady blew all of the '72 Dolphins front four. Good to know.

5.

Rob Corddry just asked if he could go down on The Rock. I'd be down for that. It would be nice to see some male nudity on this show.

6.

It's Beardy's first day of practice and he's rocking the backpack with one strap off. I respect that.

7.

Beardy's girlfriend just gave him a ridiculously giant necklace of the number 18 as a present. He reacts as if this particular necklace means a lot to him. Do they explain it? Nope.

8.

FLIPPING TIRES! AWWW YEAH! I want to flip a tire.

9.

We finally get to meet Reggie from Crenshaw. He is not fat like they said he was.

10.

Beardy's agent seems to only spend time eating brunch poolside at a hotel.

11.

He also wears his backpack with one strap. Everyone on this show is just too cool for school.

12.

FAST CAR! LOW CAR! FAST LOW CAR!

13.

Uh oh. Someone's wearing Beardy's number. I feel like this won't end well.

14.

Beardy's agent is scared of planes. He's so terrified that he turned the color of one of those fancy silver microwaves.

15.

The Rock is wearing a really nice cable knit v-neck sweater. And chewing on pills.

16.

He also has three thousand dollars in his bank account, which is apparently not a lot of money.

17.

The assistant coach of the Dolphins just came to the Chevy dealership and told Mini Forest Whitaker that he should come out of retirement. I mean, I want MFW to be happy, but it seems like his life / work balance is better when he's off the field. At least that's what I get from this show's incredibly nuanced subtext.

18.

Beardy is trying to buy his number back from #18. #18 is not having it.

19.

Also, there's a patch on their jerseys for "Doctors Hospital". Is that a hospital named after someone with the last name Doctors? Or is it a hospital specifically for doctors and the person who made the patch doesn't understand punctuation?

20.

Man, that hotel has a lot of columns.

21.

New character! Lady reporter! She's not naked! Also, she's wearing a really well starched blue button up with the collar popped. I like her.

22.

The Rock is watching his $300,000 slip away in a single brunch with Vernon's entourage. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate brunch? I think it's because I can't have complex carbohydrates and I don't drink, so it's essentially a useless meal for me.

23.

Mini Forest Whitaker was watching tennis on TV and just quickly turned it off when his wife walked in the room like he was doing something he wasn't supposed to. Does his wife hate tennis? Why would she hate tennis? Does she not like clay? Balls that come three to a cylinder? Incredibly wide, low nets?

24.

MFW and his wife are getting frisky and he just broke the ottoman.

25.

Beardy's GF is painting a still life of some tropical fruit. I think that this is the writer's attempt at making her character three-dimensional. Valiant effort, guys, but not quite. Nice still life, though.

26.

The Rock just gave Vernon a very well said "put the breathing mask on yourself first and then others" speech. I wish The Rock was my financial manager. I wish I had the finances for a financial manager. Now, excuse me while I go pour this jar of coins into a Coinstar machine.

27.

Guys! I just realized that there was no female nudity in this episode! HIGH FIVE!

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