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8 Spine-Tingling Tales Of Enormous Penises

It Came From Inside The Pants....

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1.

My first boyfriend had a real big dong. I didn't know it was big because he was my first boyfriend and I hadn't watched porn really. I don't think he watched porn really (I know, I know), because he was a sensitive artist type, so I'm not sure he knew it was a big dong either. [Editor's note: I'm pretty sure even sensitive artist teenage boys have seen some porn.]

Anyway, we didn't understand that we needed to buy Magnum condoms and we broke condoms all the time and I remember thinking they should make condoms better. And he had trouble keeping the whole situation erect, maybe because we were always snapping condoms on it and because he was a sensitive artist type or because physiologically it took a lot of blood to do so.

I remember when I met subsequent penises thinking they were really small and then eventually realizing, no, they were just average.

—Anonymous (female, straight-ish)

2.

I was a sophomore in college; he was a struggling actor. We met at a party and hooked up a few times. The first two times were normal, pretty good sex. His dick was massive, but I wasn't about to stroke his ego. The third time, I decided to be nice and tell him how big it was. He then asked if I could "handle the elephant's trunk" and then lightly started hitting my face back and forth with his dick, complete with elephant sound effects.

Poor guy, I think he thought he was being sexy. Oh, and I didn't see him again. I don't think I would be able to contain my laughter.

—Anonymous (female, straight)

3.

I started seeing this guy after breaking off a five-year-long relationship. Things went slow for a while because we had so many friends in common, we wanted to make sure it would work out before jumping into a relationship and then having to call it off. Great, fantastic.

After some weeks of keeping it PG-13, we went to his house...aaaaand he couldn't get it up. Didn't think much of it or notice the size.

Some days later we tried again — he did get it up, but when he went to put it in, it was just…impossible. It was as if it were my first time all over again. I remember thinking of that SATC episode where Samantha really tries to make it work but the guy is just too big. We gave up.

But now I was intrigued. So we gave it a third shot. After a party where we both drank way too much, we ran to his place. He didn't have condoms so, as he told me later, he asked his friend for one as we were exiting the party. The borrowed condom turned out to be red. So when he put it on, I had no better idea than to yell, "OMG IT LOOKS LIKE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER."

He didn't think it was funny. Finally that time things worked and it was great.

We dated for a year. The whole time I kept asking him if he really — BUT LIKE REALLY, REALLY — had ever considered going into porn.

—Anonymous (female, straight)

4.

After I had my IUD put in, my boyfriend could feel the strings. (The IUD is in your uterus but the strings hang down into your vagina so you can check to confirm that the IUD is still in place.)

So my doctor trimmed them a bit shorter. When I told him during my next appointment that my boyfriend could STILL feel the strings, he looked completely taken aback. That's when I knew I was dealing with an EP (enormous penis).

I married it.

—Anonymous (female, straight)

5.

So, years ago, I devoted my entire existence to sexual conquest. It's pretty common, particularly for gay meth addicts, to just obsessively cycle through one hookup to the next, trying to stay high and get more sex. As a (general) bottom with storied experience with the D, I figured that I was up for any challenge. I was a professional, so I thought.

I meet a fellow on Adam4Adam who claims to have a footlong penis. I think it's bullshit: I know that most penises online are around eight inches and in reality they're more like six. So, I'm guessing that this guy is just exaggerating to try to rope in hungry bottoms. I figure, at best, he's nine inches and just exaggerating. Male ego and all that. So I invite him over.

"Seriously, I don't want to come over and you not be able to take it. You good?" I remember him asking. Something like that. He very clearly asked me if I could really take it.

I confidently invited him over. I got really high, and I was half expecting him not to show up based upon the fact that he was advertising something so ridiculously over-the-top. He did, in fact, show up. He's scrawny, like 5'9", maybe 130 pounds soaking wet. I'm like, Well, the proportion would make an average dick look huge anyway, so that probably helps him too.

He tells me to start sucking his dick. It flops out. It's incredibly large flaccid — like nearly actual inches. I'm ecstatic. It's clear that he's hung.

So, I'm working on this thing and it just gets bigger. And bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Finally, he's like, "Lemme get dat ass." I pull off from sucking it and look at it. He wasn't exaggerating. The thing was a solid foot long, like as long as my ulna. Its thickness was proportionate too, meaning it was like a goddamned soda can (almost, but not quite). I tell him I need to ride it to get used to it; he agrees. So, there I am, straddling this scrawny guy with this humungous penis. I couldn't even get the head in. Bear in mind that I'm high as balls on meth (again, I'm in recovery). I STILL can't take this thing.

"Buddy, I'm sorry, I don't think..."

"Aw, come on man, you SAID you could take it. This HAPPENS EVERY TIME WITH YOU BITCHES."

We tried for about 10 minutes. He started getting soft. I felt incredibly demoralized. He gets ready to go, grumbling really nastily the entire time, calling me a punk, a bitch, etc. It's clear that he was very frustrated and this was a common occurrence. I was sort of scared — not that he'd rape me or anything, but that he'd beat me up.

He left. I felt incredibly demoralized, like I failed at my one primary objective. I never heard from him again. The more that I think about this, the more I think this poor guy, like, NEVER got to have intercourse because of how freakish and physically impossible it was. Rather sad if you think about it.

—Josh Kruger (male, gay, also in recovery)

6.

I have had an encounter with enormous BALLS. I slept with a guy with huge balls. The first or second time we slept together, he must have noticed me staring, because right away he was like, "Yup, those are some huge balls, aren't they? Don't worry, though, it's cool. An ex was really concerned and made me go to the doctor about it. He told me I was in the 99th percentile, but totally healthy." Then we had sex and it was great. Lesson: If you're chill about your weird junk, it won't seem so weird.

Anyway, it was kind of hot and now I'm disappointed if a guy has small balls.

OH, also, this guy was bicycle rickshaw driver (rider?), so you'd think his huge balls would make that hard, but apparently not.

—Anonymous (female, straight)

7.

I went home with a guy I met in the drink line (just kidding, it was on Grindr!) at a Hackers theme party. He used to be a stripper at Austin's finest tacky gay bar, [redacted to preserve the privacy of the enormous penis-haver], had the body to match, and was apparently into me, so I naturally packed him into a cab and bolted. When we got home, I grabbed his crotch while we were making out and was truly shocked by the dick I found. I have SEEN a fairly wide variety of dicks, including a fair few bigger than mine (as someone with a B-student penis), but I have never seen a dick this big. Its size is now sort of a legend in my mind, but I truly remember it as about the size of a Gillette [shaving cream] can. It was my first time seeing a dick that size outside of porn.

I can't deny that it was a really pretty, perfect penis, and its size made it just tantalizing — like a Wayne Thiebaud pie or some similar overextended food metaphor. In what I would discover to be great hubris, I went down to try to blow him, and could barely get past the head. He was cool about it, and cool about the remaining sexual encounter, and I finished him off with a handy.

The bad part? I googled him after he left the next morning, and it turns out he was a real-life [redacted], prominently featured in an HBO documentary.

—Anonymous (male, gay)

8.

I was dating a guy with an EP (enormous penis) who said that condoms hurt his EP so much that he (conveniently) could only use this one brand with a "brownish box" whose name he couldn't remember. I went to about 10 sex shops like a trick-or-treater looking for the mythical condoms that would fit his EP.

I returned with a pack of Magnums, which he said were still too small, so we didn't end up using condoms at all, which may be the scariest and stupidest thing I've ever done. [Editor's note: I do not approve of this!]

Coda: the sex was great.

—Anonymous (female, straight)