What Every Summer Is Like For People Who Hate It

    It's too hotttttttt.

    Right about now, everyone around you is THRILLED. "It's finally summer!!!!!!!!" they scream. You, meanwhile, are filled with dread.

    You've begun looking up 10-day forecasts, seeing a sea of 85-90°+ days ahead of you, and wondering how you will survive.

    Clothes-wise, you'll never be ready. There are no legal outfits small enough.

    And your hair? Forget about it. You will be angry about this EVERY. DAY.

    You are now on a three-month hunt for elusive shade.

    You're like a heat-seeking missile to restaurants and bars with good AC.

    You want to avoid the beach like the plague but it's ALL ANYONE WANTS TO DO.

    Once, just once, this summer, you are going to agree to go, because you'll think, "Maybe this year it'll be different."

    You will have a brief, black-and-white vision of beach-frolicking and think, "Maybe I'll get a piggyback ride out of this."

    Twenty minutes into your reluctant beach trip, you will realize you have made a horrible mistake.

    You will start dropping hints to your friends. "It looks like it might rain???" you'll say. "There are literally no clouds," they'll say. You'll try again. "Did you guys hear a shark??"

    You will go home and vow solemnly to never fall for this shit ever again.

    "NO THANKS, I'M BUSY" — you, to all beach, boardwalk, and being-outside-for-multiple-hours activities, for the rest of summer.

    When your friends are like "Let's have a picnic in the park!!!!!!!!!!" you're like ...

    Summer is the season of guilting people into doing things because "it's nice out!"

    Summer tries to make you feel bad for continuing to enjoy your hobbies from other seasons, like eating and watching Netflix.

    On days with 30% or more chance of rain you watch the sky, HOPING for it, just so you'll "have" to stay in.

    If you do go outside, you'll have to see people running. Summer is when people's exercise becomes all VISIBLE and PUBLIC.

    Summer is practically everlasting. For now, all you can do is find your allies in mutual, sweaty discomfort.

    You'll only start to feel a little relieved on August 31.

    Let everyone else complain the first time it dips below 50 degrees. You'll be out there like: