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    Is A Childhood Without Toilet Tag Even A Childhood?

    To the best/worst variant of freeze tag out there.

    You may be wondering: What is this woman doing?

    If you grew up in a certain part of the United States, you're thinking, "Don't tell me what I'm wondering. I've played that game." But if you grew up somewhere else, you might be thinking, "Yeah, what the heck IS she doing?"

    What she's doing is playing Toilet Tag.

    Toilet Tag is a variation on freeze tag, in which the frozen/tagged parties must pretend to be toilets.

    It's hard to map the exact boundaries of Toilet Tag Nation, but anecdotal evidence and an informal survey seem to suggest it's most prevalent in the middle of the country, with a number of proud, coastal pockets.

    Here is how to play Toilet Tag:

    1. Decide who's "It." (This is the same process involved in any other game of tag. You can figure out how you want to decide who It is. You're all grown-ups here.)

    2. Everybody runs away while It counts to 10 (or whatever number).

    3. The person who's It chases after the other players, ultimately tagging someone who, let's be honest, is one of the slower people at this gathering. You can decide among yourselves whether clothing counts, or whether you have to touch skin. In my opinion, clothing counts. Not everybody is Florence Griffith-Joyner.

    4. If you lie about being tagged, you should feel bad and just go home.

    5. Once you're tagged by It, you freeze on the spot — just like you would in ordinary freeze tag. But then, squat down so that your lap forms a "seat." Hold one of your arms up to form a 90 degree angle, with your hand straight out like the flusher. Some people put up both arms to make it easier for the other players to untag them, but to me that seems inauthentic to actual toilets.

    6. Wait for one of your non-toilet friends to free you by "flushing" your hand.

    7. Once you are free, run around avoiding It and flushing your friends, unless you hate them.

    8. The game ends when everybody but "It" is a toilet, or when everybody is tired and wants to do something — anything — else.

    There are also variations on this variation.

    For example, if you are a teacher, you can make everybody carry around actual rolls of toilet paper. Haha.

    If you want the game to be a little tougher, you can decree that players have to sit on the human toilets in order to flush/untag them.

    Sometimes this is mean and/or inappropriate. But your call.

    Look how much fun it is for everyone involved!

    Also, it's not a bad glute workout.

    Go play toilet tag! Reclaim your youth!

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